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Help: I Think I Am Loosing My Mind Over This Thing Called Marriage

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Editor’s note:
This is a long story from a Lively Stones telegrams member. In part 1 of this story,kindly gather your thoughts and let us advise based on what is going on here. What can be done to help this situation too. Drop your comments in the comments section. 
Thank you.
Jzhane
Please share my story ,and hide my identity
My story is a very long one but I will try to make it short .Before I was bold enough to put this together ,it took me a while because I have read series of story on your blog and am also in your telegram page.
And I think what was responsible for the problem am facing was for the fact that I was not patient enough ,  I just came out of a broken relationship and I jumped into the available one all in the quest to get married.
I got married in year 2006 I was 27 then ,my husband is a lecturer in one of the colleges of education in the south west and I was in year two doing my degree then. We are blessed with three lovely daughters. Ever since  I got married I have never experienced peace of mind ,it has always been from one abuse to another.
After I finished my degree I was waiting for service and told him I want to learn tailoring he said no way ,I agreed . I continue staying at home till service came . After the service  no job , I was home doing nothing for good seven years .
During those years I saw hell ,my husband will do virtually everything by himself including going to the market and buying everything , including soup ingredients ,and he’s still doing that till now .
I must not tell him I needed money ,it will seems as if am pouring hot pepper on him ,whenever he’s not at home , if my kids are crying for common ten naira biscuit I will not be able to afford it , even in the church ,until he changes money n bring it I will not be able to pay any offering .
When I couldn’t console it any longer I applied into a private school and I was given appointment my husband did not allow me to go , that there is no way he will allow me to work there .
Money he will not give me and also prevents me from working. I continue in my suffering as a good wife praying for God to give me a job. During those time if any of his family members or anybody gives me money my husband will collect it and tell me it’s my contribution to the up keep of the family since I have never contributed in any way.
Finally I got a job in their staff school and I was being paid 30k ,I was happy that at least I will have my own money and be able to take good care of myself, not knowing I was joking.
Do u know that despite the fact that my salary is not up to 10 percent of his salary my husband will stand at my neck to collect 5k from me every month ,saying it’s my contribution to the family . For the sake of peace I succumb.
Less I forget during those years of my staying at home , I must not touch his car , l remembered there was a time we had 3 cars at home , he bought new one and wanted to sell one ,I don’t even know how to drive . He will drive his kids to school in the morning and bring them in the afternoon .
One day a Friend of mine who has been observing the way he will always be in haste with the kids and never be patient with them called him and told him dat “oga sebi your wife is at home doing nothing and you have 2 cars let her learn it and be bringing your kids to school with ease because you are always in hurry with your children.
When he got home he started abusing me that I have gossiped about him to my friend , and God is my witness I did not tell her any thing, saying maybe am the one fueling the car.
When I started working ,I was taught how to drive and started taking my kids to school ,since they are now in the school I am working. I nearly developed high Blood pressure  because of the car ,every morning when cleaning the car he must not see a scratch on it ,he will abuse me till the end of that day.
My husband will call me to analyze how am spending my money . Despite the fact that he’s not giving me anything, gradually it became part of me.My husband is the hostile type that does not want anybody in our house even his cousin and mine ,he will talk to them anyhow.
He will be saying in their presence that he cannot use his money to feed people anyhow . There was a time I was crying in my room that one of his cousin walked up to me console me and asked me that ” why did you even marry my uncle ” that she has been pondering over it for so long that I should not be offended but because she feels my pain.
Every time the comes around because she was schooling where my husband works .He will beat me up at any opportunity and also abuse me in the presence of anybody including my children , I will enter my room and cry.
He does not allow me to sleep in the same bed with him ,even when I forced that . My body must not touch him even by mistake he will move his body away, he makes love to me when it pleases him.
My husband can nag from now till tomorrow , he’s hostile ,he’s aggressive ,he’s not loving and caring is not in his dictionary at all, he keeps saying he will send me home to my parents ,sees himself as my god. Telling me there is nothing anybody can do for him .
Despite all these , I remain a loyal n faithful wife.Until one day ,I was having…..
To be continued….
Photo Credit:Lindaikejisblog

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Help: I Think I Am Loosing My Mind Over This Thing Called Marriage
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

20 COMMENTS

  1. I have not read the part 2. The only sensible option is for the woman to stand up to him and assert her right as a human and a wife. On the alternative she should involve close relatives and seek for help , i.e counselling ,prayers and therepy for both of them. Finally temporary separation to avoid mental, emotional and physical fatality.

  2. You really cannot continue living like this… This is quite so unhealthy… Pls, seek help from close older relatives and also counselling… I’m really short of words madam

  3. Madam this is living in hell, you have been denied your freedom as a human. Your mental, physical, psychological health is at stake. I’d advise you call both family members and let them know all that has been happening, let them talk to him. Secondly if the problem still persists please inform the police and get a restraining order on him. In the meantime you can move out of the house with your kids to somewhere close to your work area. I’d also advise you get human rights commission involved

  4. The truth of the matter is, you are in charge of how much of power you are willing to give someone over your life. The moment you decide to take away that right of power he or she has over you, then you begin to right things in your life.

    Its easier said,written than done, you will just have to take it one day at a time.
    You are physically, emotionally, mentally psychologically, financially, s*xually, verbally, socially been abused.
    In your efforts to be the obedient,submissive,subservient wife, you crossed a line and became something else, I don’t even have a word for it.
    The man in question has issues and it is not your duty to find a cure for him at the detriment of you own peace of mind and health.

    The first thing is to acknowledge that you have had enough and are ready to move on,because we all know how some Nigerian married women behave, they would rather die in a marriage than remove the tittle Mrs. from their name.

    You didn’t tell us if you had still had any relationship with your family and friends. Because you will definitely need some help to take the next steps forward.

    You seriously need to move out,first and foremost.And with your kids,nobody gets left behind, those kinds are in danger of so many things I can’t even begin to write about.
    You need financial aid,and that is where family and friends come in. you need to speak up to someone, you need to tell people what you are going through. It has to even involve changing locations. You need to heal,and all this will not happen in one day.

  5. It is quite pathetic that we have men who still behaves this way, in this generation. Firstly I believe you should pray for your husband. Secondly, Table the matter before the people he has great respect for. Thirdly, if there is no improvement, pack your bags and leave the house. God will help you.

  6. Restraining orders from the police is best…. No family member can talk sense to him, because he doesn’t regard them…this is really a pathetic situation….

  7. It’s so unbelievable to think a man can marry a wife to enjoy abusing her. Madam you have patient and I commend you on that. But for now i think. In as much we say pray for him, you can do that from a distance to save your life. Get his people and yours to talk sense into him or his pastor or mentor(if any). If not please separate for now to a save place with your children and try to find yourself because you’ve gone through a lot of emotional abuse and need to heal. Until when he’s able to work on himself and his anger and decides to behave like a real and normal human being. Sending you a big hug and praying help comes to you soonest. Be strong dear.

  8. Madam this is slavery of the highest order coming from a supposed educated man but a beast at heart! His type are never wrong! He’s the type that sweeps for those 15-18 yr old jambites! Only if you knew his Escapades! Madam! Madam!! Madam!!! You’re a the one to rise and liberate yourself from the shackles of this supposed marriage! Yes! You! I know of a man that uses belt on his wife if there’s any iota of complaints from his children! Immediately his children hears their father’s okada sound approaching, they go to the road to wait for him and immediately the complaints are made, he won’t even wait to put the okada on it’s standing, he’ll lay it on the floor and pull his belt, flog his wife like a dog and naked her to the glare of all and sundry! People wondered if she was held by juju! The day the woman summoned courage after the day’s beatings, sat on her chair, almost naked as usual, the man died the following day on his okada! People so rejoiced! In fact the landlord of the house they lived threw a party, his wickedness was up to that! Mind you, I’m not suggesting this, but you need to tell him enough is enough in your own way, if not, you’ll die a death that’s not yours! Brace up, act now!

  9. This is the A.T.S style but in reality men don’t behave like this nymo.my advice to the lady is to get to her senses n cope with the new generation n give the baby daddy some space.i know it’s not easy but it’s better than staying like a prisoner.Being free is better than having the luxury in shame

  10. This is the A.T.S style but in reality men don’t behave like this nymo.my advice to the lady is to get to her senses n cope with the new generation n give the baby daddy some space.i know it’s not easy but it’s better than staying like a prisoner.Being free is better than having the luxury in shame

  11. I really cried reading this. Abuse in whatever form it is, is evil. The only advice I’ll give to you is to stand up to him, at this point your humility will actually nudge him on. Seek guidance from God and counselling from a therapist.

    Lady speak up now, speak up now, confront him now even if it means he sending you back to your parents house, trust me he’ll come back for you. Talk to someone and confront your husband before it’s too late.

  12. Hian, madam,there is no other word than YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.
    Emotional abuse is worse.
    You either stand up for yourself,defy his words,do what pleases you OR leave.

    Ayam waiting for part 2 sha

  13. Until the day u get angry to this abuse, that is the day you will be able to get over it. And by saying “angry”, it means feeling too hurt and sad to summon the courage to;

    either fight & tackle ur husband over the abuse with altercation (not with fist) or to

    leave the house for him, and let him be the boss of his own house.

    You must try the former first. If it didn’t work and led to bigger problem for you, then the latter will be the best option to take.

    You need to also see a therapist privately on this matter. You have been damaged physically and emotionally. Now that you felt bold to write this part, be bold enough now to end this abuse. Don’t lose your life over being loyal and submissive.
    It is well !!!

    Patiently awaiting the remaining part.

  14. […] Here is the second part of the story we ran earlier on today. We apologize for the very long post. Click here if you missed the story… We appreciate all your comments. This lady is reading your comments. […]

  15. It’s sad you are in such mess in the name of marriage.

    The fact remains that your speaking up is a proof of your need for help.

    Obviously there was an early sign you ignored but the ordeal is done.

    I will suggest you pray for a change of heart and better transformation for your husband.

    Pray vividly that you won’t diw in his hands and you receive wisdom now to save your life and that of your kids.

    I’m only in pains because the kids are infuenced by all that has been happening.

    Such a toxic place won’t help them to grow into beautiful adults.

    Seek help from family members, elders and get welfare involved incase you wish to leave him but most of all, get women’s right activist and organizations involved.

    Better alive and hungry then married and poor or even dead.

    God will hlp you through.

  16. […] seconds ago Editor’s note: Click here and here for the first and second part of this story. If you have waited for the final part of the […]

  17. This is a very sad case of abuse… You should focus on increasing your value so he can see how well you are doing without him… Goodluck

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