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After 6 Years Of Pain I Made A Vow Not To Get Married Until I Become Rich

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Hello ma,

I need advise. Please hide my name. I am a single mother of 3 children. I married my secondary school sweet heart at the age of 20. I actually got pregnant and I thought we were going to leave happily ever after. Our marriage lasted for 6 years.

Throughout that six years,it was full of abuse,violence and ugliness. Maybe because both of us were young. Things were also not ok for us financially. Love was not enough. We were always in debt. We lived from hand to mouth.

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Eventually,I had to send my children to live with his parents. We were thrown out of our apartment for late payment of rent. My husband was cheating on me and on top that,he would beat me and say I am the cause of all these misfortunes.

The last straw that broke the camel’s back was when I walked in on my husband sleeping with my friend who I borrowed money from. Apparently,my husband was sleeping with her for money too. I was heartbroken. I filed for a divorce and one year later,I was a free woman.

Since that time,I have vowed never to depend on a man for anything. Thank God,I got a new job after a year. I have been saving money.  I also have started my beauty shop business which is growing gradually. My mission is to be a very independent woman.

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So,all the men that have been coming for me,I refuse to listen to any of them because I am not ready financially. My next marriage,I will have my own money. I will be rich so even if the man does not give me,I will be fine. I have suffered enough. I do not wish to repeat my mistakes again.

Since then,I have dated a few guys…nothing serious. Until I met Wale (not real name). A very fine man. Quiet and kind. We met about 7 months ago. We were just friends initially until he began to ask for something more. I told him I was not ready so he said lets just take it slow. From taking it slow, Wale and I have become inseparable.

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He is my biggest fan and support. He is ok financially. He loves my children and his family is cool with me. Mine too. However,with my past,I know anything can change and so I stick to my vow not to get married until I am financially stable by my own standards.

Wale thought he could change my mind,he told me he loved me and proposed to me. My heart was telling me to say yes but my head was reminding me of the truama I went through for 6 years. I told him to give me time. I told him I was not ready.

Wale became withdrawn from me. I thought it was for the best. Maybe he is not the one. I am 28 years old. I need a foundation I can count on. I have 3 children to provide for. I cannot marry and throw my future to a man. Now, Wale is asking that we take a break. I agreed.

That is where I have a serious problem. I miss him so much. I called and texted him. He replied that I should not bother to reach him. That he wants me and if I was not ready,I should not give him false hopes by leading him on. I miss him terribly. I do not want to do. Its harder not to miss him especially in this lock down.

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Everyone thinks I should give him a chance. I have known him for just 7 months. How do I know this will work when the person I knew for more than 10 years betrayed me? The fear I feel when I think of what money made me and my ex husband do keeps ringing in my head. My husband slept with my friend. He beat me. I can never let that happen anymore.

But I also cannot stop missing Wale. I am frustrated and need someone to talk to. Please advise me.

 

Anonymous Email

 

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After 6 Years Of Pain I Made A Vow Not To Get Married Until I Become Rich
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

18 COMMENTS

  1. This is the type of thing my people would say, *He that is bitten by bees runs away at the sight of flies*
    Left for me , I would say she should still pipe low. Infact to me , being financially stable is better than marriage now or who else think same with me ?
    Let’s hear your view.

  2. I am of the opinion for her to be financially independent first, if he really loves you to a fault, he should respect your opinion. I understand that missing him part too, but give yourself time and put extra effort on your business. With time you will be convinced of the step to take. Wish you well…

  3. Once beaten twice shy they say. In my opinion, she can maintain the friendship and should not allow herself to be rushed into any commitments. If Wale is actually meant to be with her, he should understand her fears and worries. All the same, pray my sister, take care of yourself and your children and follow the leading of the spirit. At the end all will end well.

  4. The fact that someone whom you knew more than 10yrs betrayed and violated you, doesn’t mean someone you just met 7 months ago will do same… Are you a Christian? I don’t mean church goer ooo… Is he also a Christian? Pray about it… Have enlightening discussion with him… Talk bout things you both want, after all, you said you business is growing now and he’s also ok… You can both join heads and make real headways… Don’t allow the fact that you had a bitter past experience ruin something that might turn out to be beautiful… Pray bout it. God bless u

  5. Please ma’am don’t allow your past pull you back in your decisions, if you believe, pray about it for God’s direction in your next step….God will surely see you through

  6. My dear sister it is not about how long you get to know someone, some people are good at hiding there true self for long… Just pray about this wale guy and let God direct you because with His direction you will never go wrong and when praying please keep a open mind. Wish u well

  7. Always put yourself first before thinking of others. That is what I have learnt in my own marriage. Having your own money in a marriage is extremely important. It protects you from ever having to depend on anyone.
    The other part: you can never be sure wether this or the next relationship will be better. Thinks can be perfect for ten years and the next a nightmare or the other way around. You decide which path to take.
    One thing is for sure: marriage is not easy.
    Cheating will happen. Lies will happen. Disappointments will happen. But YOU choose how to continue.
    If you stay you work to better the relationship and each other.
    If you leave just ask yourself how many marriages am I going to enter to find the situation I am looking for?
    They say: in the golden years of marriage that’s when you have reached your peak and things are way more sweeter than in the springtime

  8. Hey I quite understand your fear,it is quite understandable, after going through a very rough path at a young age,you are damaged emotionally,physiologically.
    I would suggest you ease up a bit,pray about this new guy, I strongly believe that prayer works for all things,even the things that you think are worth it.commit this into Gods hand,and watch out how it plays.play do not force anything now,if he decides to have a break with nowzthat means he is not genuine, but if he is genuine he will give you time.
    Keep working on your self and kids,pray and allow things fall into place.All the best.

  9. I think if you have made up your mind to become more financially independent,you should focus on that for now and leave any kind of intimate relationship so as not to lead any man on when you don’t want marriage.
    Another angle is, perhaps this guy may help you reach financial goals. Just carefully consider it with prayer.

  10. Due to your past experience in marriage I see you’re hurt and still insecure about relationships with the opposite s*x.
    Heal properly before going into the next relationship. Money isn’t enough, neither is love.
    None of these will be an assurance that the next relationship you enter will last.
    Marriage needs commitment, sacrifice, tolerance, patience and lots of forgiveness. You and your ex didn’t have these probably because you were too young so forgive yourself and your ex. Learn to love yourself and live happily. Trust God in your new relationship, hear from him. You can get counselling and help before you commit again, it’ll help.
    Also, speak to Wale and share your fears with him. If he’s really for you he will help you to overcome them.
    Never let fear hold you back.
    You deserve love and happiness.
    Live your best life always!

  11. Hello madam,
    Just try to study him well and that of his family, leave your past behind and move on.
    Also pray about it.

    Regards

  12. Now, is not only a party, but 1 party with three survivers, so try hard to handle your business to the level of confidence, in other to face obstacle when it comes, remember that, what happens to you, does not that matters, but ability to fight it hard, for it not to weigh you down! Be also careful through God’s leading, cos as many being led by the spirit of God, is definitely not misled!! Stay upright to your decision!!!
    And I pray God will see you through!…

  13. Hello,

    I think you are are well within your rights to want to be financially stable before committing to another marriage.

    The question is: have you really healed yet? If you are so afraid of your past marriage…then its not just about getting financially stable.

    Years of abuse has made you mistrust men and you feel you cannot depend on them financially.

    Well,you need not let fear stop you. Not everyone is like your ex. You need to go to therapy. Start the process of complete healing. Forgive your ex and forgive yourself. You both made mistakes. You got married too early when you were not ready and you both stumbled.

    If you attain a state of complete healing,then you can move on. Thank God you have a job and a side hustle. That means you will not be dependent on any man. You dont have to be a billionaire to be financially independent.

    If you can meet your needs and have enough savings,I would say you are financially independent enough.

    Its just that 7 months is a little bit too early. Get to know him a little bit more. You are not a young naive girl. Spend time being friends before committing to marriage.

    If Wale cannot wait..then let him go. Do not let anyone pressure you into marriage…you did that before when you got pregnant and got married at 20.

    Now its time to do things wisely. Pray about this alot and God will guide you.

    Cheers.

  14. Hello dear,
    First thing I will tell you is to let go of your past. You are only to learn from it, don’t use it to judge other people’s character especially men. If one man treats you badly, it doesn’t mean the next man will be a devil too. I’m not saying wale is the best choice for you, I am only clarifying to you that wale or any other guy might be different from your ex husband.

    You said you want to be financially independent, that’s good. I love women that have the zeal and determination to succeed financially and be responsible too for their family, but I don’t think that should hinder your commitment plans.

    Who said you have to get married and give up on those goals? Before settling down again, you should discuss with your partner about ur goals and objectives to be financially successful too. If he doesn’t support it due to fear of you being successful more than him or any other reasons, then let go of that type of man. You can settle down and still be running your beauty salon business, so let go of your fear. Just find a compatible partner that will go along with ur plans.

    I don’t know whether wale is the best choice for you. That’s up to you. Look for any red flags
    – is he abusive/insultive,
    how does he behave around other people,
    how does he handle his anger,
    does he makes you feel insecure,
    does he smoke and drink if you are not a fan of that,
    what about your compatibility in terms of s*x,
    his he financially responsible,
    how does he spend his money?
    is he stingy or does he give you money willingly even when you were still friends,
    If you are a deep christian, is he compatible with u religiously and spiritually?

    Take your time to know more about him. 7 months dating period is enough for you to settle down but if you have not been studying him well because of your attraction to him, then continue dating till the time you are sure there’s no red flag linking him with your past experience.
    I will strongly advise you not to end the relationship, but study him more, and let him know your plans and know his intentions for you too.

    It is well !!!

  15. Madam, this is a simple situation, I suggest that you pray to God for directions. I also believe you should not judge a man cz of your past. Focus on being independent also and trust God for the best.

  16. You are right to be scared. Still hold on and get your ground. Tho time is going. Don’t be in a hurry. Remember you now have children. Don’t allow them go through that kind of past again

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