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My 3 Years Relationship Just Crashed- Was This My Fault Or An Excuse?

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Hi,

I need help. I messed up my life. I do not know what is wrong with me. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We planned to get married this year before all these lock down wahala came up.

Since the lock down,we have been arguing alot and I think I have pushed him too far. He just broke up with me and I do not know if he will ever forgive me. It all started actually before the lock down. I noticed he was not calling me to check up on me like he used to do.

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When I asked him why,he would say his job. His job that he has been at for more than 4 years. How come its now that its so tough for him to call me. To the extent that even weekends,I hardly see him. He will say he is at work.

He explained that the office was carrying out a project that requires everyone to give more and more of their time. I could not understand. I began to suspect him. Maybe he was cheating. I felt he was less and less concerned about me as the day went by.

Yes,he would call but I did not feel like I was the first priority for him. His job was. I did not want to end up in a marriage like that. I thought that is how its supposed to be. The worst was when he even cancelled on a visit to my parents place. Even though he called my parents to apologize,I felt like he was truly loosing interest in me.

And then came the lock down. Fine,he works in a company that is regarded among essential services. But to think that he went to work every day of the lock down,made me really mad. The weekend he came,we fought cos I told him he was not trying hard to fix our relationship cos I feel we are drifting apart.

Well,he apologized to me,asked me to bear with him as he was having a hard time at work. So, I said ok but he should tell me what is going on so I do not get worked up when I don’t hear from him or see him.

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Again,he called less. I was frustrated. I stopped picking his calls when he eventually calls. Then one day,he sent me a text saying I am being insensitive. That really angered me. I called him some names that I did not really mean. That really hurt him ma. He sent a text to say,if I really can insult him that way,then its best for us to go our separate ways.

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I told him fine. For a week,he and I did not speak. I went to his place last Sunday evening.He did not return until 9pm. I was actually shocked and very emotional. I cried and told him that he has changed and I know he is cheating on me. Like who goes to work on sunday and return by 9pm.

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That was when he dropped the bomb. He told me that his office was downsizing and his name was in the list to be sent away too but he pleaded with his boss to let him do 3 peoples’ job. So they let him stay on and that is why he has been working so hard at work.

By this time,my fiance was truly hurt and told me to leave his house. That he is under alot of pressure from work and does not think he is ready to get married now or even marry someone who will not understand the pressure he is going through.

That is how my 3 year old relationship ended. I have tried to beg him but he says he is not ready to talk about it. Its been very hard for me to be patient with him. His silence is killing me. I do not know what to do. How do I be a better partner to him,how do I show him I can be supportive and understanding…

Especially now that he says he is not ready for marriage…should I still be waiting for him to be stable or walk away..why would he say that to me in the first place. Is his job enough reason not to want to get married now? Maybe he is truly loosing interest in me…maybe there is some girl giving him more attention than me…

Tell me,have I ruined my relationship…is it all my fault or is he just trying to break up with me…what should I do?

 

Anonymous Lively Stones Facebook Fan

 

Photo Credit:Beliefnet

 

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My 3 Years Relationship Just Crashed- Was This My Fault Or An Excuse?
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

15 COMMENTS

  1. Wonderful *money* to you all. *Wealthcome* to the month MAY.
    Iv always opined that ,not all relationship to marriage. If a relationship is not going the way you like and you have tried to work it out.
    This based on a story I will sharing with us shortly.
    Do you think my opinion is wrong ? If YES why ? If NO why ?

  2. If it’s not meant to be then you can’t force it. Try to be a bit more tactful and sensitive in your methods of approach. Your boyfriend too is guilty of bad communication and has probably acted out of pressure. He should man up and deal with issues. Give it a break. Cheers.
    .

  3. Give him a little time to think and get him self back on track.
    When a man is facing pressure from work, he will surely be distabilized .
    Try to support him with prayers and also encourage him….stop talking about marriage for now.

    Regards

  4. Sister calm down!!! You blood is to hot. Marriage is not the end to everything so don’t start acting desperately.
    I think you should give him space and let him be. Just be a friend don’t pressure him.
    If you truly believe in your relationship with him, then just be his friend from afar. Show him you care by your attitude. You can send him messages or call him but give him space. And if he doesn’t even want to hear from you at all, then distance yourself totally and focus on your life.
    After things calm down, he might be in a good frame of mind for a relationship or you might even realise he is not the one for you.
    Don’t force it !!!!!

  5. Give your fiance space and give your relationship time and see if it’s strong enough to weather this storm.
    If it is things will get back, if not, let it be.
    I think you put your guy under some pressure but he didn’t communicate too that’s why there was some drift on you both.
    Apologize to him and let him be. If he reaches out to you, fine. Once things get better between you both you MUST bring up the issue of communication between you both, no matter what, you both should be able to communicate,he failed in that aspect and could get worse in the relationship so let him know and be patient while he works on it.
    Things will be well.
    Do take care.

  6. First off, Pray for him, Nobody wants to loose a Job this period, secondly, Give him space but be friends with him, don’t pressure him, in times like this, you are suppose to comfort and encourage him. Ensure you also learn how to trust your guy, not all men cheat. Get something doing too, you will think less of the issue. God help you.

  7. My dear, why are you feeling so insecure about your fiance? Has he cheated on you before? If he hasn’t done that before, then you should have understood him better.

    Also it’s not only the job that is keeping him away from you, your desperation to get married quickly has a negative effect on him. He is definitely not ready to settle down. Guys don’t like to be pressurised into settling down. They want to settle down when ready. So due to your desire to get married quickly, he will be getting pressurised because of it and be giving you space so that he won’t be hearing about that everytime and also to delay you.

    Now that you know all these, give him the space he needs. Keep on sending romantic text messages and maybe phone calls during the weekend to ask about his health, till he gets better to fix the relationship and have good communication with you. If after a long time, he did not change or you couldn’t wait that long, then move on. It’s not easy leaving a relationship of many years, but if it will never end up in a good marriage, then no need to continue with it. So just try to take things easy, understand your fiance current situation and also have it in mind that he is not ready for marriage at this time and stop talking to him about it atleast for this period of time.

    It is well with you !!!!

  8. Hello,

    To be honest, I think both of you have to take responsibility for what is going on in your relationship.

    You need to recognize that you were very much inpatient with your fiance and he should have opened up to you about his challenges at work.

    In any case, you both need some time apart. I agree…there seems to be too much anger and tension between both of you.

    What your guy needs is peace of mind. After facing so much pressure at work,he does not need any drama or argument from you…what he needs is a friend who can help him decompress from the pressure from work.

    He needs an encouraging voice…someone to cheer him on and tell him everything will be ok. Men need comfort too.

    He also should learn to not bottle up his emotions or problems. If you marry a man who cannot talk about his feelings or his insecurities, he will pour his frustrations on you from time to time.

    I would recommend counselling for both of you. Marriage should be on hold for a short while. You both need to breathe and find peace and calmness before you can move forward.

    Pray for him and pray for yourself as well.

    Be patient….take some time to pray and reflect and take the step towards counselling.

    God bless you.

  9. Good day sis. From all I read here, you’re too clingy and insecure! The marriage talk entered your head! I implore you to pray earnestly for him. If it is the will of God, it’ll work for your good. He needs to open more to you too! As for you, learn to trust him and give him time to think/work towards you coming back you.

  10. If I were him I would let you go long ago. Men don’t lie how to communicate easily especially something about his job and income. That will always be a man’s priority because that’s the first definition of manhood. A man’s profession and income is pride. You were too insecure and insensitive. Even in your post you still don’t get it but still feel insecure and weirdly enough, you don’t trust him. Dear you are not ready for marriage. Leave him to set his life in order. This poor guy has suffered all these years with you. Chai, somebody’s son.

  11. The poor guy is trying to sort is life at. And there you were giving him more problems and stress. Did you expect him to still keep you. Give him time… Give him space. If he looses his job. Would you start feeding him. There you are talking about him putting you as priority and talking about marriage. When lots of things are on his head. You are at fault… Stop add more stress to you partners already stressed life

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