HomeAdviceHis Wife Refused To Come Back - He Is Loosing Patience-Please Advise

His Wife Refused To Come Back – He Is Loosing Patience-Please Advise


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Hello ma,

Please post this for me on Lively Stones group for their advice. Its for my friend,lets call him Kay. Kay and I have been friends since university days and we have been close since then. He was my best man when I got married and I was his when he got married. However,his marriage broke down 3 years ago after several fights with his ex wife.

They were just very toxic for each other. Mainly because the wife was not ready to be submissive. Everyone tried to settle them but it didn’t work out. My friend was single until last year when he met a nice lady from my wife’s office. Lets call her Ebun. Ebun is a nice Christian girl and we all thought she was best suited for Kay.

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Their relationship was based off on “no love making before marriage”. Kay was happy because Ebun is a 100% wife material:kind,domestic,pretty (infact,very pretty),hard working and very godly. They got married In December last year. It turns out that Ebun was a virgin and she never told Kay.

According to Kay,Ebun is a 33 year old virgin but she kept it a secret from him because she was shy. But that is not the problem. The problem was that,Ebun complained that Kay’s manhood was too big and he could not penetrate on their wedding night. Well,,Kay felt it was just her being afraid because she was a virgin.

But the problem continued. Every time he tried to make love to his wife,she would be crying in pain. This continued for the first month of their marriage. Kay became frustrated as he had not been able to make love to his new wife for over one month after marriage.

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Unfortunately,Kay got really upset one day and forced himself on Ebun. It was a mess,she was traumatized. But she hoped breaking the hymen would have solved all their problems. Their mistake was that they did not seek advice because they were both feeling it was too private…how can you tell someone that your husband’s private is too big?

But the first time was not the only time Ebun felt pained. The other times,she also could not take in Kay’s private and that was where their problem became serious. Ebun was having serious tears and bruises anytime they made love. She would cry and not be able to walk for weeks.

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The last time she was admitted to the hospital because she had so much bruises and infection after. Her family got wind of it and came to pack Ebun’s stuff from Kay’s house. This happened around February. Since then,Ebun and Kay have been separated. Kay has been begging Ebun all these months but she said she wants a divorce because even if they reconcile,his privates are still too big for her opening and she will not be able to make love to him.

After all these came to light,we advised them to both see a doctor to help see what can be done. The doctor said they could perform a minor surgery on Ebun to help her opening get a little wider. He also said if they are patient,with time,lubricant the opening will get bigger.

However,Ebun is still traumatized and unwilling to get the surgery or move back to her husband’s house. Everyone is asking Kay to be patient but he says he is giving her till the end of the month to make up her mind or they divorce. They both love each other but Ebun is hurt that Kay is not being understanding while Kay is feeling that Ebun is not making enough effort and he thinks she is being selfish.

My wife and I are very worried for kay. This is his second marriage. We want it to work. Ebun is a good girl and we love her. How do we help them? We have been praying but both of them are really hurt with each other.

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Kay is angry that Ebun told her family that he RAPED her but he said she never told him she was a virgin and that its his right to make love to his wife. Ebun feels traumatized by this stance from Kay.Kay has promised not to force himself on her but she said she needs time to heal. But since February she has not returned home or tried to get the surgery.

Kay said she is just being a spoilt brat and cannot wait forever. What can we do to help them?


Anonymous Lively Stones Whatsapp Member


Photo Credit:123RF

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His Wife Refused To Come Back - He Is Loosing Patience-Please Advise
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. I feel they both need to see a therapist, foreplay could also be good. Your friend needs to be calm and understanding with his wife also

  2. Oga ju,inside life.I wonder why she didn’t mention it in the first place.I want to keep my virginity has led to separation.Pls sir ,still give her sometime to heal and if she doesn’t pls remarry I don’t even know why her family came and packed her things from your house in the first place.It is well.This thing called marriage sef

  3. Hmmmmmm. Speechless

    This is scary to me now.
    I’m 33 as well and still a virgin, I think I need to go break it now to avoid stories that touches d heart when I get married

  4. What I see here is a medical condition that can be cured. And most likely the cause might be from FGM, female genital mutilation, generally called female circumcision. The husband’s genital might not even be too big as she insinuates.
    Let him lovingly convince her to see a specialist and get the needed medical assistance possible. She will be fine.

  5. Really? one story is enough to make you arrive at this conclusion. shall we go back to why you have stayed this long.?How is breaking it now different from breaking it then.Girl, knowledge is power. Marriage is not for 2 selfish people.being a virgin doesn’t mean naive.You must fully be comfortable with you body to enjoy sex.Sex is like a tempo, you move to the rhythm that suits your partner and you.see a therapist.God is interested in the details, ask him for help.This problem isn’t bigger than him. Mr ultimatum,be emphatic. Your impatience will make you loss a beautiful thing. wait for as long as it takes.Healing and all. Marriage is not just for grown men and women. It is for matured and regenerated minds who seek God, willing to sacrifice and grow while at it. I pray that light shines their path.

  6. Hello,

    You need to help your friend. He does not seem to understand his wife.

    Being a married man comes with alot of maturity and your friend needs to show his maturity.

    His wife has had a traumatic experience in his hands…he is not likely going to win her back if he does not change his approach.

    He was wrong to force himself on her even if they are married. Lady too was wrong not to tell her husband she was a virgin.

    But going forward,your friend should exercise patience and show nothing but love and understanding to his wife.

    I go with the doctor’s second option: lots of lubricant and patience….it will take some may attempts of trial and error …but with love and foreplay and lubricant and patience…he and his wife can eventually make love without pain.

    Everything is in your friend’s hands…..his wife is emotionally pained…he cannot expect her to just snap out of the pain…it will take him to show her he can be patient and loving.

    He should actually ask him to forgive her for not understanding her before now.

    I also believe your wife has a small opening. But that can expand with proper stimulation and lubrication.

    No ultimatums…he should just be patient and loving….


  7. I would say that it was wrong for the husband to have forced himself on his wife, husbands can rape their wives if he forces himself on her? Sex between husband and wife is supposed to be with mutual understandimg that she is your wife does not mean you must always have your way weather she likes it or not. I’m not making excuses for her here, I encourage you Mr Kay to take easy with her. This whole issue can be resolved with proper foreplay and putting her I’m the mood, her sexual organ Will corporate by releasing the lubrication she needs to make her sexual organ ready to take in your manhood however big it is. Please don’t divorce her, this issue can be resolved with patience and understanding. Thank you!

  8. […] He Doesn’t Respect Me He Treats Like A Trash…I Am Loosing Myself […]


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