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Help: My Marriage Was A Huge Lie & The Most Devastating Heartbreak

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Help: My Marriage Was A Huge Lie & The Most Devastating Heartbreak

Dear Ma,

I came across your blog recently and I must say that I am most impressed by the content and the way issues are dealt with right here. I want to share my story and also receive counsel from you guys. Please hide my identity.

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I met my ex husband in church three years ago. He seemed like a very good guy,always committed in church activities. He had actually just relocated from PH to Lagos. He was well known as a very committed brother and it was surprising that he was such a successful single man.

Well, I instantly had a crush on him. I met him after seeing from afar and I was really blushing when he shook my hands. His charm was easy to fall for. I imagined he had that effect on most girls.

We would see each other from then on and smile and say hello. Until,I could not hold it anymore,I asked him why he is still single. He said he was waiting for the right girl. I was like,what if the right girl is standing in front of you,would you know? He took my cue and was like,maybe you are the right girl.

He took my number and that was how we began to date for the next few months. I was struck in love. He was everything I wanted in a man. Prayerful,hardworking,had his own job and very caring. I wanted to marry him and I wanted him so much. We had times we make out but I was a virgin and told him that I was waiting for marriage.

He asked me to marry him and I said yes. He wanted a small wedding because he did not believe in spending for a wedding which is just an event,he wanted us to save for our marriage instead. I just loved how he thought. So wise and smart.

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Our wedding was a small intimate affair and it was the happiest day of my life. I considered myself very blessed to have married such a handsome and committed man. Until, rumors started to fly. It first came from my cousins. They said that they heard my husband had gotten someone pregnant in PH before coming to Lagos.

Thereafter, we also heard he is married to someone in UK. It seemed like bad people trying to ruin our happiness because I asked my husband and he denied everything. And I believed him. But barely a year into the marriage, the truth came crashing on me.

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His UK wife called me and told me they were legally married. That she found out he was cheating on her with PH girls so she went to UK to cool her head.That they have 2 sons. She showed me pictures. That my husband is mentally unstable. That he lies a lot and even with me,he has been talking to her about reconciling with her for their son’s sake.

And yes,it turns out he got at least 3 ladies pregnant in PH. I cannot explain everything in this email. It will take so much time. All these revelations happened in one year of marriage. I am only trying to sum it up. Now I understood why he wanted a small wedding.

His family knew about their son’s deceit and kept quiet. I was so broken and depressed that I contemplated suicide several times. My family tried to support me but I went through the most humiliating divorce of my life. All my ex husband could say was sorry. I felt like killing him.

Our divorce was finalized in the second year and since then,my life has never been the same. I suffer from depression now and again. I have serious trust issues. I do not know if I will ever be able to find love. I could not come out of my house for almost 7 months.

I find it hard to go to church now cos I feel betrayed after getting a good church man to marry only to have been publicly humiliated. I kept my virginity for 28 years, only to loose it to a cheating husband.

All my life, I refused to date men whom I felt were not serious about me. How did I not see this coming? How did I not sense this would happen to me…I feel like I failed myself and maybe God failed me too.

I do not know how to move forward in my life. My family is worried about me. I am worried about me. What should I do? I yearn for love yet I am scared to even think I could ever fall in love. They say time heals but I feel like I am forever damaged goods. Is there any hope for me?

Please advise me….how do I even begin to hope again….its been more than a year after the divorce…its so hard for me…

 

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Help: My Marriage Was A Huge Lie & The Most Devastating Heartbreak
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

12 COMMENTS

  1. You are not damaged sis,there is hope for you I swear, sorry for using that but you got to summon courage, put on your makeup and nice shoes,there is hope for you,am so happy that you found out on time,just imagine you didn’t find out on time , by now you would have been pregnant for that good for nothing man,so tell me what would you have done?Matters would have been worse than this,having a child with that kind of a person is just an abomination (aru) .Can I shock you?Your husband is around the corner,come out of that house,don’t be shy,damaged or worried,forget about him and be happy, as long as there is life ,there is hope nne.Oga ha digide,this too shall pass.My sister biko cheer up,there are still some good, wonderful, handsome and God fearing men out there and I know you shall meet one who will treat you right.Shalom

  2. Its so sad that we have within us terrible men, cheats and big liars, my dear you have to forgive yourself .God has a better plan for you that’s why you didn’t have kids for him I guess.
    You can’t close your ends to other good suitors, the best man is just somewhere around to help you heal up.
    Brace up , make your self happy.
    Takecare of yourself and move on .

  3. Hmmm.too bad ur story really make me feel hurt… U just need to pick up urself again and be stronger in God.. So many things happen for a certain reason, just thank God is nv too later for u 2 divorce him.. Happiness start from an individual first,u. Need 2 find ur happiness from urself first,make urself happy by looking good,do things DAT will make u happy and forget abt the past and be hopeful for the best.. Better days ahead u soon be celebrated for good….

  4. My Dear you don’t have to kill your self over the mistake you made because you really pushed for the marriage . If you knew you would have taken it slow ,maybe God was giving you sign and you didn’t see it. Thank God you discovered it on time. Thank God you didn’t have any kid for him. It may not be easy but you can move on.

  5. He deceived you but by God’s grace you have come out of it. Thank God you didn’t have a child for him. Forgive yourself,love yourself and the right man will come. Cheers.

  6. You need a vacation away from all these mess. Change location for a while. While you are there, try to pick up your life. You need to come out and engage your mind in positive activities. Get a job, learn a vocation, do something, come out!!!!!

    I know you are feeling sad but all is not lost. Look at the positive side of your life: you are young, you don’t have any children tieing you to your ex husband.

    You life doesn’t begin and end in marriage. You have a purpose, you can be the best. God has deposited so much potentials and abilities in you. Live your best!!!!

    Try and build a career for yourself, this is the time to surround yourself with friends and family not with another love relationship. You need to find yourself and rebuild your life to be able to make better choices going forward.

    For the future, don’t be carried away in any form of serious relationship, especially when marriage is in view. You always have to do your independent research. Who are his friends, his growing up, his work history, how does he treat other people, his family. A lot of people hide things well and except you are diligent enough, you will be carried away.

  7. My dear, I really understand the depression,confusion,anger,rage,betrayal and suicidal feelings you are battling with.
    This are signs that yes you were really committed and trusted him.
    It may seems it will take forever to see them off but it won’t.

    What I want you to do is always remember that there is more to life than getting caught and staying to negative things that gets you drown in your own mental ocean. You have a life to live!
    Going to vacation might not be of help sometimes cus things like this are up in the head and heart and not the environment.
    Good thing is you were able to discover that too soon. God saved you from the danger it probably would’ve caused in the near future.
    I will suggest you first find someone to have a real life conversation with.
    Vent out the anger and sense of betrayal you have in you,read books,listen to podcasts and talks. Try as much as you can to stay off anything relationships. You’ll be better off without them and you will be healed fast without them.
    Try to be focused on you and your health and get involved with anything worthwhile. Make a checklist of daily activities that will keep you busy and also try as much as you can to make friends.
    I pray God see you out of this fast.
    God be with you.
    Shalom!

  8. I’ll advise you to move on with your life, it’s a good thing you realized before having kids….pray you find someone who will treat you right, who wouldn’t be a cheat.

  9. You ain’t damaged sis,this too shall pass with time…

    In my own words, you initially allowed him to start a relationship with you when he wasn’t even looking at your side, you systematically asked him out…This is not a big deal though cause he should have come out straight if he was mentally stable for real…

    Life goes on sis…someone who deserve you is waiting out there, all you need is just for you not to give up Ma…

    The lord will see you through in this trial time…

  10. Dust yourself Girl, Brace up and Smile again. Live Again!!! Love Again!!! There is always light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass. Shalom.

  11. So sorry about the heart break,but u need to allow urself to heal, PLEASE HEAL URSELF,UR HEALTH,UR EMOTIONS,UR HEART,N ALLOW LOVE TO FYN U PLEASE. N that man na complete scam,wolf in sheep’s clothing,the devil’s advocate. Don’t mind that man,it was becos u were infatuated by his charms n fell for it. This a lesson a for those of us who think all that glitters is Gold. But my dear heal,becos only u can heal urself n no one else will help u do that,ask God to help u heal. N u will if want to,becos u know y that man has moved on a long time ago,n u need to do the same thing
    Cheers n good luck.

  12. Hello,

    I am so sorry you had to go through this. It must have been hard but note God will never allow a challenge that will break you.

    You went through this and you came out stronger. It was a lesson…not a death sentence!

    Now…read this aloud: God loves you…you are desirable and strong….you are beautiful and teh world is happier because you are in it.

    So get rid of all those fear and thoughts of suicide…you are too beautiful for such thoughts…

    And you deserve all the love and happiness coming in your near future…so stop crying and hiding from the world. You dodged a bullet.

    Thank God for his strength…and start building new plans for a brighter future.

    Just because some guy was a jerk does not mean…the rest of the world is full of jerks.

    At least, in your next relationship…you know not to make same mistakes of not doing a proper background check or ignoring red flags.

    You will be fine…talk to a therapist or a counselor. Trust God..He has beautiful plans for you.

    God bless you.

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