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My Wife Is Not Over Her Ex- Is There Any Hope For Our Marriage?

My Wife Is Not Over Her Ex- Is There Any Hope For Our Marriage?

Good evening madam,

I have been referred to speak to you as a Counselor because of my marital issues. I need your counsel. There is an issue with my wife and I. I feel so betrayed by my wife’s actions and I am beginning to wonder if I made a mistake with marrying her as my wife.

I met my wife four years ago. At that time, she had a 7 year old son from a previous marriage of about 9 years,she said. They had broken up for like 2 years before I met my wife. According to her,while they were dating, he was very abusive to her for several years.

Her ex husband beat her so much that she had lost 2 pregnancies to miscarriage because he beat her when she was pregnant. She told me that stayed that long in her marriage because she wanted to be a good wife and endure all the abuse for her child’s sake.

She also said he was cheating on her with several women. She treated herself from STDs that he gave her from those women. My wife has a permanent scar from one her ex husband’s beating.

When I met her, I saw a woman who is kind and deserved to be treated with same kindness. I also was married and divorced. My divorce was a result of family pressure from my wife’s people. They never allowed us enjoy our marriage and they eventually forced their daughter out of the marriage.

I was single for three years before I met my wife. I loved her and her son. We got married and my wife gave birth to our twin daughters..Two years after our daughters were born,my wife started to exhibit some strange behaviors.

First, I noticed she was talking to her ex husband more often than before. I queried as to why he was calling her regularly and she said that he has changed and begging to be in his son’s life.

Well,I do not have a problem if he wants to be in his son’s life but this same man she said did nothing for his son for many years and that she would never allow him near her and her son again.

So you can imagine my surprise at her change of heart. I was just not comfortable but I kept my cool. She would talk to him on the phone and say they were discussing the boy’s secondary school arrangements.

I saw the way my wife’s eyes lit up when his call came in. I told her I was not comfortable with this and she said I was being paranoid.I then noticed she would step out to take his calls . She said she did not want me to feel uncomfortable.

All these I reasoned were a bit weird. But I also did not want to sound jealous because she began to make statements like:he is the father and he has a right to call me about his son. I spoke to her mother about this and she spoke to her daughter. My wife became angry and accused me of trying to control her.

So, I decided to keep quiet and let things play out. For weeks, I watched in very uncomfortable silence,how she would always go out and take his call almost every day for like 10-15mins. An Idea came to me, I took her phone and cloned it. Such that all her calls are recorded on my system and I see her text messages.

That was when I saw my wife flirting with her ex. More than flirting,more like cheating. They talked about how they missed each other. How she missed him f**king her. She also stated that she stayed so long in their marriage despite the beating because the s*x was the best she ever had.

My wife told her ex that her current husband is ok but he is better. He told her he too is married but he thinks of her all the time. All sorts of randy messages and conversations they shared with each other. He even went as far as saying because he is her first,he disvirgined her…that no other man can satisfy her like him…

Can you believe this? I called her family and released all the evidence to them. My wife thought she saw a ghost when I presented my evidence. She went down on her knees to start begging. That she made a mistake …maybe the man has a spiritual hold on her …that she has no idea why she did all that.

I asked her if she has met with him physically since we got married and she said no. Her family is so embarrassed and they are begging but I just do not know if I can forgive this. Clearly,my wife stayed in that abusive marriage for so long because of s*x?

How will I now be compared to her ex when he says he is better than me?She said she was lying to make him feel good. Her family says the man has an influence over her. I am very upset and I really do not think I can trust my wife again.

I do not want a divorce because I promise myself that my last marriage would be my last divorce. But with what my wife has done,how do I continue in a marriage like this? Her ex would always claim his son and that would bring him into our lives.

How am I sure his influence over her will ever go away? More importantly,how do I ever trust my wife anymore? I look at my beautiful twin girls,they do not deserve to grow up in a broken home but I feel so pained and betrayed.

What can I do? Is there any hope? Should I ban her ex from ever contacting her or his son? Will my wife ever truly love me more than her ex? Please advise me.

 

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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

5 COMMENTS

  1. Let the wife to her ex knows what they are up to too,in other ways they ll be separated, when the woman gives him fire he ll sit up and leave your wife alone.
    Good luck

  2. Yes i support wat u say @justina wat rubbish if it a man now they will say he is cheating please ooo our gender should stop disgracing us abeg .infact stop or that calling if he want his son he should come nd carry instead of that foolish calling of 10 to 15

  3. I think you should still hold on a bit. Stand as the man and be in control of your home. Put a solid stop to all the communications with her ex. Call the ex guy and have a one on one conversation with him to behave maturely. Also tell your wife to stop all communications with her ex’s. Or they would be consequences. Be the man in control. Don’t let her begging emotions sway your judgment. Be strict on the matter.

    I still don’t know why people hold on to their ex’s even in marriage.

  4. Call a family meeting. With the ex and the ex’s wife and discuss an arrangement for the Son. If possible the Son should live with the father for a while.
    Clearly your wife cannot be left unguarded because her preference is sex over well being/sanity. So you need to let her know you are watching her and she has to prove her commitment to the marriage.

  5. What you can do is: have a talk with your wife, the only condition to meet with her ex is if you are also in the same room.

    If the ex needs to call to speak to his child,it must be through you who is the head of her home now.

    Secondly,can the ex take the child to live with him or can they arrange for holidays for the child to go live with her ex?

    If yes,then let it be done so….your wife needs to cut off from her ex…she may never be truly over him but she does need to start focusing on her new life with you and her children and stop dwelling in the past.

    You can also schedule to speak with a professional therapist. There may be underlying issues needed to be addressed.

    Maybe she is stuck in her past where she interpreted her abuse as love….she needs help and distance from her ex.

    If she accepts help…get her help. Pray for her and be observant…maybe she is truly under an influence but prayers and communication can help.

    All the best.

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