My Wedding Was A Mistake – It Is So Hard To Stay Committed-Pls Advise
I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world. I been with a lot of ladies so I would know. Before Gina (not real name)my wife came, I never fancied myself being a married man. Do not get me wrong, all the marriages around me, starting from my parents marriage were nothing to write home about.
My mother is bitter about men cos she had all three siblings from three men. They all probably promised marriage and they all disappointed her. So, eventually…she has us her kids, and she has never married anyone. My Uncles, some of my relatives and friends all have stories about bad marriages…so in my subconscious….what is the big deal about getting married.
That is not to say I never fell in love. I have been in love but soon as the lady starts to bring up marriage topic…I let it go. Not for me. Until I met Gina. Gina is beautiful inside and out. We were friends before we became lovers. She used to speak to my soul. She knew how broken I was…and she was like my personal person despite all.
We joked around being besties too hot to date each other. I knew I had feelings for her…and somehow…that feelings took over one time…I found myself strongly attracted to her…she fell for me too…we broke up a year after cos I did not want to hurt her…the relationship was too good to be true…I was happy…she was happy but I knew she would soon start thinking marriage….so, I let her go again.
We did not speak for another year and when I ran into her…it was torture…she was dating some dude that their pictures together made me sick with jealousy and rage….I called her and we met…I told her I wanted her back…she said no way…that I was unlovable…that she wanted love and marriage or nothing….I said yes…
That was like …unbelievable…even me…I did not believe myself. But I just wanted Gina at all cost…we were in love…I could not stay one day without her. People around me did not believe I was going to get married when we got engaged…a week to my wedding…I almost died of heart attack…I was panicking….I switched off all my phones and went rogue.
I travelled to SA…I wanted to clear my head but I had so much to drink and I partied like a fool…I was with several girls…it was like I wanted to remind myself what I would miss if I went ahead to get married…I was scared to get married…but I did not know how to tell Gina…so I ran away. And did some really bad things I cannot even mention here.
I got sober three days after. Cried myself to stupor…I knew I had to get married…not because I want to but I cannot disappoint Gina…I got back to Nigeria…I made some dumb excuse for my absence…somehow, I managed to fake being ok and got married days later. It was the happiest day for Gina. Everyone credited her for changing me.
Marriage was surprisingly beautiful. I was in love with my wife….she did everything to make me happy…our son came in less than a year of marriage…I settled into marriage life but I had a burden. I felt trapped inside my marriage…for just no reason…here I am with the most beautiful woman any man could want but I was fighting the temptation everyday to be free and mess around with other ladies.
I turned to p*rn to try to divert all the s*xual tension I was feeling…but I only became an addict from it. Ladies still found their way to my dm…sending me nudes and I was battling with trying to stay faithful to my wife. I felt she could no longer satisfy me. I would long for times too hide and jerk myself off to some p*rn. I was hiding my pain.
I asked myself several times what was wrong….why do I feel so trapped when I have such a beautiful family? This has been my struggle in three years of marriage… I made a mistake getting married…but then…why is it so impossible to stay married and focused on one woman?
Two weeks ago…I was weak. I made a trip to Abuja for business…I ended up messing up with some girls in my hotel room. I felt good…happy and free to enjoy my life but I hated myself for doing this to myself and my wife and son… but I cannot control the urge that wants me to do it again…I am struggling and I need someone to talk to…maybe I am not made to be a married man…I definitely not proud of the type of married man I have become…
I fell in love but love is not enough…how do I make myself commit to this thing called marriage when all I want is to be free and live as I want? I have become someone you call a cheater but I just want to express myself…and marriage does not allow me to do that…
The more I feel like this…the more I feel soon, my wife will find out and this may lead to a divorce…maybe that is inevitable…but Gina deserves better than this…I promised her…I promised myself…how do I prevent the betrayal that I see coming if something is not done quickly….I need advise fast…
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