Our Wedding Is In Two Weeks But I Can Hardly Recognize The Man I Am Marrying Anymore-Pls Advise
Good day ma,
I would like to remain anonymous. I need advice and prayers. I am 29 years old. I am engaged to be married this Easter. But I am scared. My relationship started two years ago with my fiance. We met through a friend. He was spoken very highly of. He works in a good company and he is also into NGOs helping youth from the street who are into drugs. His NGO also works with prostitutes, trying to rehabilitate them.
I loved his personality, well-spoken, good Christian, and motivational speaker. I also am into HR. I also do some NGO work that helps poor children. We dated fine and everything was good. Kissing was our only form of intimacy cos we wanted to wait until marriage.
Before now, I have been in relationships where it was intimate and I regretted it cos it didn’t work out, so just for the records, I am not a virgin and I told him. He was like, we will honor God with our bodies before marriage. But all that changed in December. We had our wedding introduction in December, so we both traveled home for it.
Soon as we came back to Lagos after the introduction, my fiance and I were making out in his place, and like before, if he was getting too much, we stop but I noticed he was not stopping…I struggled with him…before I knew it…he was pinning me down and held me so strong…I have never seen him like this…
I pleaded with him but all fell on deaf ears. My fiance raped me. I eventually stopped struggling but I was in shock he assaulted me. I was dumbfounded. When he was done, he was like another person. He apologized…begging me not to be offended …that he did not know what came over him. That he was picturing us being married…that maybe he felt since we have done an introduction, what else is remaining … the wedding is in three months.
Ma, all the reasons he gave made no sense because I told him if he can wait two years, how is three months too far to wait? What pained me was that he forced me. This is not how I pictured my first time with my soon-to-be beloved husband. But he kept begging and begging me …I slept cos he gave me some pain killers from the pain he inflicted on me from the rape.
I didn’t speak to him for one week. Eventually, I forgave him because I tried to remember that he is a good man, one that has been good to me for two years. One everyone knows as a good person. So, I tried to forget this one mistake that he made even though, I felt pain anytime I remember the rape.
So, three weeks later, we were in his place, we had spent the day shopping and planning our wedding. I was about to leave when he told me that he wants to talk to me. I asked him what…so we sat down and he started to shake as he was talking to me. He said that he needs me to pray for him. That something is happening to him and he is ashamed of talking to anyone. That he noticed that since he raped me, his s8xual urge is gaining serious control over him.
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He said he feels like the devil is trying to tempt him and bring him down with the things he is trying to free others from. My fiance confessed to me that he was so ashamed of what he did to me that he tried smoking Indian hemp after the incident. He just wanted to forget the images of how I looked at him like a monster for what he did to me.
And that while he smoked, he was high and he ended up sleeping with a prostitute and since then, he has been struggling not to sleep with prostitutes and smoke hemp. I was really scared. I have never seen him like this. He usually is the pillar of strength in our relationship. To see him like this, shaking and confessing to me…I did not know what to do.
The next thing he said is: mi Amor (my love in Spanish) help me…our wedding is just less than two months…do not let me go to prostitutes anymore…I don’t want to do drugs anymore….please help me cover my shame…save me….he was shaking and I had to hold him …reassuring him I was going to help him….we started making out and he was like…let me make love to you my love…let me sin with you instead of a prostitute….help me, mi amor…
I lost my sense of guard…allowed him to make love to me…telling myself that I have to help him overcome his problem with s8x. Ma, I felt so horrible doing that but he was thanking me for saving his soul from sin. So, for the next few weeks…he would come to me anytime he was feeling the urge and I allowed him. I told myself, it’s my husband to be after all.
The only problem is that I am having a serious mental breakdown myself. I feel helpless trying to help him. I enjoy s8x with him but soon as we are done…I start feeling so bad …I even thought of breaking up with him. But our traditional wedding is next weekend and the wedding is on the 3rd of April.
My husband to be raped me…I can’t get the images out of my head…I also feel scared that he may have an s8xual addiction that if he does not have s8x with me, he may go looking for prostitutes. I feel scared and I confided in our marriage counselor in church. He said I should forgive him for the rape that I can see that he has a problem which he confessed to me…that he is a good man and I should stand by him so that the devil will not bring him down.
The counselor said that men who do good work are always tempted…that he is surprised that my fiance has kept himself all this time without s8x with me. That God is giving me an assignment, to help my fiance stay focused on his calling, that I should not let him go after prostitutes when he has me. I asked him what about the rape, he said ist a mistake and I should forgive him for that.
That made me put aside my fears. But last week, my fiance called me to come to see him, an emergency. I rushed to his place and next thing, soon as he opened the door, he rushed me and started taking off my clothes. I was like baby slow down…please talk to me. No, he went in forcefully, slammed me on the floor and pounced on me like an animal in heat.
He didn’t even use a condom. I smelt marijuana on him. He was high…I am completely devastated. He finished and started shaking. He told me that I am not always with him and this thing is taking over him more and more…and he cannot control himself. I told him to go seek help with a counselor but he was like, he cannot expose himself to anyone cos if his reputation.
No one can know that he is struggling with s8x or drugs. He says he knows that once we get married, he will not have the urge anymore cos I will always be there …but I asked him does that mean he will be raping me as he did…after all I was willing to help him …he said he was sorry that he does not know why he forced me.
It’s like something has truly come over this man that I have known and trusted for two years. I look at him and I do not recognize the man he is now. And he thinks that once we get married everything will be fine. Our wedding is next week and the next…I am so upset that the man I am walking down the aisle with has raped me twice in three months….and he keeps saying I should help him cover his shame.
It’s too late to walk away right…I know…but what if I am walking into something I cannot handle? I wish I can forget the images of him just doing anything to set himself free by pinning himself and kicking me and injuring my body to have s8x. I feel helpless. When will this stop? Will marriage actually stop it?
Like the last time, he has been very remorseful about what he did. But I told him that he seriously need to go and get therapy cos I am scared of him taking advantage of me again and blame it on his weakness. He said he will go to therapy after marriage. That we should try and avoid a scandal before the wedding…cos a lot of people look up to him and he just wants to get married….see if having regular s8x will help him and if it doesn’t…then we can go see a therapist.
Ma, this is my problem. Should I wait till after marriage to go see the therapist…am I doing the right thing by helping him? what if this is truly the beginning of an addiction? drugs and s8x? How do I forget the trauma that the rape has brought me…please advise me….
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