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How Malice And Anger Almost Scattered Our Marriage-How Do We Heal After This?

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How Malice And Anger Almost Scattered Our Marriage-How Do We Heal After This?

Hi,

Keep me anonymous. I am enraged but also very confused. This all started during our courtship. My husband, then, my boyfriend has a very bad character that I have tried all my best to manage and ignore. We have even broken up twice during courtship due to his character.

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I am talking about how he likes to keep malice and give silent treatment anytime we have a misunderstanding. I am a very extroverted person. I like to express myself and not bottle up my emotions. My boyfriend will avoid confronting the issue but he will just disappear from the scene for two weeks or more and come back later.

This happens anytime we disagree on something. He always expects me to yield to his own argument and when I don’t, he will keep malice and give me complete silence. He will not pick up calls, no response to chat or text. He will even block me on social media then.

There were times I got tired and broke up with him. One time too, he too broke up with me. It was a beautiful relationship but his management of disagreement is very bad. Most times, I do my possible best to avoid an argument, knowing if it gets out of hand, my boyfriend will just ghost me instead of talk about it.

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When he finally proposed to me after three years of dating: I was scared in my heart but I was counseled that he will grow up and mature with time. That dating is not the same as marriage. We both even talk about it. He made it clear that he had outgrown that behavior of running away.

Although he did say that I am stubborn and he does not like it when I don’t take his own decision on any matter. I am an alpha woman: I was raised to take my own decisions even though I know a man is the head of the home, I respect him as the head of the home but that does not mean that if I disagree with something he has to say, I will not air my opinion about that. And by God’s grace, God has been helping me.

We have been married for 4 years. We have twins less than a year after marriage. So we both agreed that we will hold on for like when the twins are five years old before having one more child. Having to raise two babies at once is not easy but God is helping us. In the meantime, my husband has still not changed his character.

Anytime I cannot help myself by ignoring his behavior on something and I disagree with him, he goes back into his character. He will start sleeping in the guest room. He will refuse to eat my food. He will not speak to me. He will just be acting like a stranger until I go and beg him. This usually annoys m especially when I am not the one wrong in the matter.

But because its marriage and I want peace in my home, I just beg him when the malice has reached like 2 weeks plus.  That is how we have been living until one year ago. A lady moved into the other flat in our compound. A young lady, single. I noticed this lady does not greet me but she greets my husband.

I told my husband, he said I can ignore her then. This happened for almost a month she moved in. By the second month, her car broke down and she started following my husband in his car to go to work cos both work on the island. To me, I was upset with my husband for allowing a single woman to ride with him every day to work. A single woman who does not even greet me as the man’s wife.

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So, I brought up the conversation and my husband said I should let it go, that I am just being petty. That really annoyed me. I told my husband if he will be happy I am riding with another man who is not greeting him? He said he trusts me and so no problem. My issue is not that I don’t trust my husband but I don’t trust this woman. My husband said I am just being a drama queen.

One day, in the morning, I was driving out to go drop the kids in school in my car, and this woman just passed me without saying good morning and the next thing she did was go straight to my husband’s car. The height of disrespect!!! I got so upset, I came down and walked up to this lady and told her to get out of my husband’s car.

I made a scene by telling her that she is untrained and a flirt for not acknowledging me by greeting me but she has the audacity to get into my husband’s car every day. This slut of a woman cursed me and said I should stop being insecure …that if my husband wanted to cheat with her, I would not know and that if she didn’t greet me, why didn’t I greet her.

That day, I was so embarrassed and enraged cos my husband did nothing but drove away with this bitch in his car. I have never felt so disregarded in all my life. My husband actually chooses this woman over me. That evening, our quarrel continued. He said I embarrassed him, that this woman is engaged and her fiance is in Germany. And so, does that mean she does not have eyes for my man?

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If she does not have an eye for him, why disrespect me? And it’s been almost one month of dropping her, what happened to uber or public transport? And in my husband’s style, he got angry and stopped talking to me after that night. And yes, he is still picking and dropping this girl off. This really pissed me off, I had to report him to his friend that is also his mentor who spoke to him and called him to order.

My husband then stopped dropping her off but he still refused to speak to me or makeup with me. We were in the same house, one, two, three, four, five months…both living like strangers. No s8x, no talking, just asking only after the children. This behavior pained me so much cos I feel my husband does not regards my feelings. I tried to swallow my pride again, to go beg him and settle but the day I tried, he said something that ticked me off.

He said my not coming to beg him earlier showed that I am proud and always wanting to be right even when I saw he stopped dropping the woman, that I did not come to beg him, instead, I was being proud and that pride will give other women chance of stealing him from me. I asked him what that meant, he said that if I think its by s8x, that he can get s8x outside, that if as a woman, I don’t humble myself, he can do without sleeping with me.

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So I asked him why I should apologize when am not wrong. He said I don’t value the marriage, otherwise, I will apologize to him and stop being stubborn. I felt hurt. As this man did not even see anything wrong in what he has done. I told him I wanted to apologize for peace’s sake but since he is rubbing it in my face, that its the woman’s duty to always apologize, then I hold my apology.

I cried and cried. We were like for another one month. By this time, my husband has started sleeping outside. He was trying to break me by telling me he can get s8x outside. I got so upset and decided to show him too that I can do the same as him. I am a pretty woman and very desirable to men too.

One of the nights he was out, I was feeling so lonely and horny, I got into my car and went clubbing. I met a random stranger and we went to a hotel and had s8x. All this while, my heart was just filled with rage, I didn’t think of my actions. I just wanted to be f*cked. I had been without s8x for almost 9 months while my husband was getting it out there.

When I got home that morning, I wanted to die. I felt so sick in my stomach for what I had done. The worst was, I enjoyed the s8x with the stranger. I knew I would not be able to stop now that I have started. That was when I started thinking of divorce. I spoke to my family about divorce, they said no but I went ahead and told my husband. I sent him a text.

That day, he got back home early and went on his knees, and started to beg me. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was holding me and apologizing for all he had put me through. I began to cry too. Why did he have to allow me to go outside before he is making up with me. Of course, I didn’t tell him about the thing I did but every day, it eats me up.

Our marriage is not perfect, I know my husband is doing what he can for us to be back but I know his character will show up one day, and perhaps we will be back to keeping malice again. It’s so childish for keeping malice, who does that. I swear, sometimes I regret marrying him. He is a sweet man but too childish. If he continues like this, what is to say, I will not cheat on him again? And how do I even carry on without confessing to him what I have done. He told me he slept with someone but she was a runs girl but God, I cannot tell him I did too.

How will our marriage ever heal completely if I cannot confess to him what I did? I fear he might even keep malice with me forever. It is as good as divorce. Maybe I should just keep quiet. Some people might suggest therapy but there is no way I will confess what I did to my husband, my marriage is as good as over or what do you think I should do?

 

Anonymous

 

Photo Credit:iStock

 

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How Malice And Anger Almost Scattered Our Marriage-How Do We Heal After This?
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

4 COMMENTS

  1. Whether you realise it or not, your husband is abusive, entitled and very very selfish. Plus he doesn’t value you AND HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. You are going to be unhappy if you continue with that man child. Don’t waste too much time with him. Start planning your exit

  2. Oh dear!!! I can feel your pains!!! My husband is just the same with your husband,but the only difference is that he doesn’t cheat that I can verge to.
    But you see ghosting out and giving silent treatment,my dear, he’s so good at it.It can be really painful and frustrating!! Believe you me.Getting a divorce is not an option,since he’s apologizing,why not give him a benefit of doubts and accept his apologies!! Both of you can see a therapist and openly tell him what he made you do and how painful you felt about it.
    Make sure you forgive yourself totally so you can be healed.
    All the best dear.

  3. Forgive him and move on,don’t cheat again ooo and don’t tell him. Go on your knees and ask God for forgiveness okay,it is well with you. Even if he goes back to his character, just ignore and keep praying for him. God bless you,remember no marriage is perfect

  4. Dearie I can feel your pain. My husband has similar traits as yours, keeping malice whenever he feels annoyed with me. We have talked about it over and over again but sometimes he tries to express himself instead of malice then other times it’s outright malice! I used to apologise in the beginning but then I stopped and started to ignore him when he starts but when it’s getting out of hand I report to people who can talk to him and with prayers we tend to solve the issue at hand so I can understand how you feel.

    That being said, what has happened has happened, please forgive yourself. Since he told you about his extramarital affairs it’s only right that you should tell him of yours. It’s not going to be easy I know but go to therapy if you’re scared on saying it one-on-one.

    I pray you guys can heal after this and make this marriage work for the sake of your beautiful twins.

    God bless you.

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