HomeAdviceHelpless-My Marriage Is About To Break Up Because Of Orgasm. Pls Advise

Helpless-My Marriage Is About To Break Up Because Of Orgasm. Pls Advise


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Helpless-My Marriage Is About To Break Up Because Of Orgasm. Pls Advise


I need your advise. I think me and my wife are not s*xuallly compatible. Maybe we should never have gotten married. We met through a friend three years ago. It was a long distance relationship because she was in Kenya doing a work project for her oil and gas company. I fell in love with her heart, very loving, very thoughtful lady, that is apart from her stunning beauty and intelligence.

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When she returned to Nigeria after her six months project, she said no s*x before marriage. I was cool. I thought she was being a classy woman. Well, fast forward to marriage, I see myself as someone that is into intimacy, I thought she was as well. I am not perfect but my past relationships, I have not disappointed either.

Two weeks after marriage, my wife said she wanted to talk to me. I wondered why. She said that she does no want to hurt my feelings but she wants me to put more effort into lovemaking. I asked her how? She said, she has not experienced orgasm with me since we started making love. That was news to me because I spend a minimum of 20 to 45 minutes when we make love. And all these while, she moaned and seemed to be enjoying s*x with me just as much as I have been enjoying it with her.

To tell me that she is not enjoying it but she was faking it was a little disappointing but I took it as a man and promised to be more sensitive to her feelings. Since then, I try all the tricks in the book that most guys know. I do foreplay, I do fingering, etc. And when I asked her, she will sometimes say yes but most times, she does not come.

Maybe because we were young and newly married, this became very frustrating to spend an hour making love and she still does not come. I found that strange and I told her maybe she needs to relax and be less anxious. And she responds that I dont know how to make love to her. That hurt me honestly because I thought I was putting in the effort.

This situation has greatly affected our marriage. I began to loose interest in s*x and she too felt she was not going to bother about it. So, for like two weeks, we can go without s*x. This made me very frustrated cos when I feel horny, she will be giving me attitude. Thoughts of cheating started coming into my head. I tried my best to push them away.

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Many times, I decide to be the bigger person, I call her and say: let us talk and she goes, she is not interested. I tell her I love her, send her romantic messages. I try my best, I swear but she just puts me off all the time with wrong attitude. This made me seek help from from online research etc and I found out that some women have problems like being frigid or generally do not have the ability to experience orgasm at all.

I shared my research with her and she said that she had exs before me and all of them gave her orgasm all the time and I am the first man not to give her orgasm. That broke me and I began to actually think something was wrong with me. Since talking to her was not working, I left her alone. I also did not know what else to do. I have tried my best. I did not think she was ready to try as well. It was tiring.

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We were both miserable too. We quarreled one night and I told her she does not behave like she wants to be married cos all she is thinking about is orgasm. At least, its not like I don’t last long, I do. Its just her that takes forever to reach a place of pleasure. Even with my tricks. Then she now said: Lanre, we are not s*xually compatible. I was shocked.

I was wondering what she meant by that and she said: Lanre, I am so sorry but I actually began to think something is wrong with me but since the problems we have been having, I mistakenly connected with an ex and I confided in him that I am having issues in my marriage s*x and he wanted to help.

We met in his car and it didnt take him 2 minutes of fingering me, I had the best orgasm of my life. My mouth went like: what the crap is my wife saying? She said, she is not having penetration with her ex…he just fingered her and she came. She had the audacity to say they didn’t have penetration???!!!…like is that supposed to make me say she did not cheat on me?

I got angry and started throwing things cos I felt like I could have strangled her if I didn’t throw things. Here, in my living room, my beautiful wife of less than one year, telling me that I cannot give her s*xual satisfaction and she went to seek the help of her ex to finger her and he gave her the best orgasm. Which man will hear this and not want to kill someone?

So, I told her, since you have gone back to your ex, what now do we do? do we divorce? cos…the same fingering I have fingered you …it did not work…your ex…only 2 minutes…magic happened abi?..the most painful part is my wife’s response: she said, I don’t know Lanre. I love you but we are not s*xually compatible.

Since she says she does not know…I decided to leave her alone to decide but truth be told. My heart is broken. I feel so much pain and frustration. Sometimes I want to get even with her…maybe go and f*ck someone else…to show her too that I am not the one with the problem. But I love her too much to behave in such a stupid way. But everyday, I am wondering, what is the way forward?

I asked her if she wants a divorce…she says no but she wants us to work on our s*x. I have tried everything I know I can do. I even listened to some s8x therapies online to try some of the tricks they recommended (I mean all tricks from giving head, to fingering, to everything you can name) but my wife still isn’t Cumming. Maybe she is right…maybe we are not s8xually compatible. I also am finding it hard to forgive he fact that her ex fingered her. What if he did more than finger her…what if they actually had s*x.

All these is what is making feel that maybe my marriage was a mistake. What do I do now? Please advise me. Its not up to a year…I feel like there is no hope. For me, I don’ mind to keep trying until something works for us but every time I look at my wife, she gives me the vibe that she is regretting getting married to me. Maybe break up now and free ach other to go and find the person that will each of us will be s*xually compatible with? I am tired and do not know what to do anymore.




Photo Credit:iStock


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Helpless-My Marriage Is About To Break Up Because Of Orgasm. Pls Advise
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. The truth is your wife doesn’t love you, her mind is not with you and in the marriage, her mind is somewhere else. See a therapist and if things continue the same way please go your separate ways,she has started seeing her ex already, is that not a sign that her mind isn’t with you ?And you people are also not compatible. I won’t say you should pray about it nbanu, you people need to reach an agreement, this marriage is just too young for all these orgasm palava jare,how can one be married and at the same time be single? You can’t be married and be miserable now,just imagine that you didn’t hold yourself for two weeks that means you would have had it outside, her mind is not just with you,a woman whose mind is in lovemaking just needs some tickling and sweet foreplay, then watch her reach cloud 9,after staying 20-45minutes yet she doesn’t reach orgasm,my brother abeg save your energy for something else biko nna,she has a problem and not you. Peace be with you

  2. Hello sir, please calm down, relax and free your mind from all negative thoughts.

    Your marriage is a not mistake simply because you are not getting some things right. No marriage is perfect but the couples deliberately and mutually work on their shortcomings to make it an ideal marriage/home.

    ** You said you asked her if she wants a divorce…she says no but she wants you both to work on your s*x life.

    ** You also said “For me, I don’ mind to keep trying until something works for us”

    ** Finally you said…..”But I love her too much” ……..

    These are the materials to let you know that your marriage is Not a mistake.

    Please forgive your wife for that gross mistake she made for seeing her ex. It’s a bridge….cross over to better and greener marriage bliss.

    You need to endure a bit more, be more patient and humble. Show her more understanding and your willingness to satisfy her.

    Ask her specifically to lead, guide and direct you whenever you want to engage in lovemaking.

    If necessary, both of you should visit a Sex Therapist .

    Be Well

  3. It is clear, your wife do not love you even if she have said it that she do love you.

    A good wife have nothing to do with her ex. But your wife did to the extent she allowed her ex to fingered her. Who knows if they had s*x? For me, she has cheated on you.

    Yes, s*x play an important role in marriage. A good wife should tell you what turns her on not to look into your eye and tell you that you guys are not s*xually compatible.

    A good wife will never ever open up about her s*xual life with her ex. But your wife did because she doesn’t respect you nor your marriage.

    Well, may be she needs divorce but she don’t want to be the one to open up.

    Hear me sir, your marriage is still very young for this shit. Let her support you to spice up your s*xual life. She should tell you what turns her on.

    Tell her that you what both of you to meet a s*x therapist and see her reaction.

    But put it at the back of your mind that she will keep on seeing her ex to do the services because the lioness heart is no longer with you!

    May God settle your home.

  4. This piece really got me angry but this is what I have to say:
    1. Never think there’s something wrong with you your wife is the problem here.
    2. You can’t satisfy some women no matter your efforts remember you are still young and you have a lot ahead of you. There are beautiful women out there who will respect and appreciate you for who you are.
    3. If your wife truly loves you she will teach and show you her weak spot that turns her on instead of going back to her else. Who does that?
    4. She told you no sex till marriage. I doubt her sincerity, how are you sure she has not been seeing someone else while you were busy waiting till marriage. You can’t trust people
    I don’t know while most good men always end up with the wrong partner.
    5. Sit her down and ask her some questions about her past life that’s if she will be honest enough to tell you. For a woman to compare you with her else then something is wrong somewhere. Also do your investigation.
    I wish you the best

  5. Thisnreally is a frustrating one as a man to experience this. It is super killing and emotionally traumatizing. But nonetheless, as you have said you both are still love each other. Love alone doesn’t keep marriage. Yes it doesn’t. Her mind is probably not with you when it comes to love making and so it will be hard for her to settle in with you to the point of getting there.
    Let her forget about her past experience with whoever she made out with cus it’s stil holding her if not I am afraid this will take longer time than expected.
    Be patience and I hope things will work out for you two


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