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My Wife Has Refused To Return Home Despite All My Efforts-Pls Advise

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My Wife Has Refused To Return Home Despite All My Efforts-Pls Advise
My marriage is only five years old and I don’t know where we are heading. Could this be the end or is there hope for us to make it? My name is Osas (not real name). I am a civil engineer and project manager. I got married to my wife as a virgin and our love was so sweet back then.
After our second child came, it became tough to manage the home, work and kids, so we decided my wife would become a stay at home wife to look after the children. I am never one for house helps or nanny.
As a stay at home wife/mother, I give my wife monthly allowance as her last monthly salary from her last job. I didn’t want her to feel like she sacrificed her ability to earn a living. And God has been blessing me to be able to provide for her and the children so far.
However, after the second child, I started observing that my wife no longer care for herself, her looks. She started growing fat, she will not do her hair for months and when I return from work, sometimes she has not had her bath for the whole day.
My wife gave excuse of too much work on her hands and so even though I kept talking to her to look good, she didn’t bother. And I actually did not want to sound like I am disturbing her so I left her.
The issue is that the more my wife became unattractive to me, the more attention I received from women outside. I would try to buy nice wigs, clothes that I see these attractive women outside wearing but my wife will not wear, she will say it’s for wayward women.
So, I stopped bothering her. S&x with her became unattractive too. Even when she tries to make advances, I just withdraw cos I am not finding her attractive. I also avoided gisting with her like we used to do. Cos, all I see is a woman who does not care about how her husband wants her to look like.
Sometimes, she accused me of neglect or cheating on her cos of our lack of intimacy.  I just ignored her. After work, I just go straight to bed, If she touches me, my thing cannot rise and stay more than a few minutes.  Then, instead 0f her to change, she will start crying and accusing me of not being in love with her anymore.
Four months ago,I came back home and discovered my wife has moved out of our home. I called and called her no but it was switched off. I called all our friends, no one had see  her. I had to call my family who now told me to call my wife’s family before making a police report.
I called my wife’s elder brother and he told me my wife is with their mother.  I was shocked and asked why,he said my wife said she is no longer interested in the marriage. I asked what did I do…and he said…she is depressed and suffering from neglect from me.
That weekend, I travelled to my wife’s town and the mother greeted me warmly. My children on seeing me,ran to me.  I broke down and started to beg my mother in law cos my wife refused to  come out to see me. I pleaded and pleaded.  Until my mother in-law allowed me to go inside and see my wife.
I talked and talked and begged and begged with all the saliva in my mouth. I explained to her that her lack of care for her looks drove me away and My wife said she cannot continue in the marriage anymore. That since she cannot do anything about her looks …that means…I will no longer want her or desire her.
So, asked her why does she not make an effort to change her looks and she said she does not think anything is wrong with her. After all, what wasabi expecting after 3 babies and 3 CS . That she does not like the fact that I criticize her looks instead being understanding of what her body has been through.
Yes,I agree I have been selfish in my criticism of her looks but its not like she cannot do anything about it,she’s just unwilling to do. I asked her what if she does plastic surgery for her tummy to look flat and she said no.  My wife said in her state of unattractiveness, she mistakenly slept with our driver. My whole body trembled at the thought of my driver inside my wife. Oh God,,…what have I done?
My wife said that she feels the only way for her not to keep feeling neglected in the marriage is to leave so she can be free to do what she likes. She said she regrets giving me her virginity cos she never enjoyed s&x for once in our marriage. That she discovered that s&x is amazing from our driver and that I treated her like she was no good by the many times I rejected her s&xual advances.
Right now,I feel like a fool. I left my wife because of her looks but now, she has found happiness in the hands of my driver. Was I wrong for wanting my wife to look good and s8xy like other women who have even had children like her? my colleague at work has 3 children and she works on herself to look smart… I pleaded with my wife to give us a chance and she says no. I left their house late that night without wife and children.
Since then,I have been doing all I can to win wife but she has not only blocked me,she only allows me talk to the children through her mother’s phone. I have begged everyone in her family to help me beg her. They say I should give her time cos she’s hurt but how much time does she need? It’s been four months since she left. Even my dad called her to plead with her.
So she is upset I neglected her but she cheated on me,if i could forgive her for cheating…why can’t she forgive me for my own flaw? I didn’t cheat on her…is her sin not worse than mine? I never beat her before. Why is this woman pushing my limits.
I told her mother that if she does not return by the end of may, then I will have no choice but to move on. The month of May has ended yesterday and my wife is not back. Is this a sign that this is the end of my marriage? What else can I do? My mother in-law says she said she needs more time…how much time do I need to wait?
Some times I feel she may be having an affair with the driver cos I fired him after learning what he did. Are they meeting secretly? But she’s in Ikene and the man is a married man.I am tempted to investigate the man. Could they be meeting or is there another man in the picture? Or should I just give her more time as her mother said? How much time should I wait?
Please advice me.
Anonymous
Photo Credit:iStock
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My Wife Has Refused To Return Home Despite All My Efforts-Pls Advise
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

5 COMMENTS

  1. If you are being honest with this write up then I suggest you ignore her and move on. Make sure you cater for your kids and be a daddy to them, don’t neglect them too. If she comes back fine, if not still fine. Just be happy.

  2. Truth of the matter is guilt is worrying her for for cheating, cause for someone like me if i should cheat on my spouse and later open up or he finds out i dont think am ever returning back to that marriage for the sake of it not being used against me in future and I think the thought of you not being attracted to her is also a factor, if she comes back the problem continues, cause she has refused to do plastic surgery as you said you suggested… Truly body changes after child birth especially through CS you should stop comparing your wife body to other women, some have normal delivery and with normal delivery its easier for the body to get back in shape than for a body that had a baby through CS, different women with different delivery process, another factor is you are not considering is a lot of women wear body shapers and girdle this days, you see them outside and you ask how come this body after 3, 4 or 5 kids, but my brother make them reach house takes off all the many inners, you will be shocked! Personally am guilty of this, you might say cant she wear this items at home my brother they are highly uncomfortable couple with dealing with three kids but for compromise sge can do them once in while,, this days the more you see the less you know, so stop comparing the next woman with your wife, learn to love her inside out not outside in, even if you marry again, we women go through the same thing after child birth very few escape it….

    Now that’s by the way, my brother take out time and ask yourself can you bring yourself to be a attracted to the new body your wife now has? If yes what would it take to do so? If you know you can and you have truly forgiven your wife for cheating on you pay a visit on last time, don’t a portion blames, just admit your fault, let her know how far and much you have thought about the issues and how you will start seeing her differently, make her feel good and about herself let her know you have forgiven her and if she doesn’t give you a favorable response by going home with you ask her to open a direct line of communication through to her, and press on for a few weeks, if she no still agree, then you should probably let her be and move on…
    She might come back and she might not but keep the above in mind for her or your next relationship women change after child birth, what you see outside is packaging..
    Stop comparing… And love your content.

  3. Bros your wife cheated on you with driver and she was bold enough to tell you and also blame you for neglecting her. You asked her to come back and you refused. If I’m in your shoes I’m done with that marriage. Sleeping with my driver is the height of it and I will never take that for any reason whatsoever.

  4. Please give her till the end of July,if she doesn’t return please face your front biko. You have tried na,after all it is not bad if you want your wife ,your love to look good. Even though say she don born 10 children ,abeg still look hot na,ihe nka owunu rice bikonu

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