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33 Years Of Virginity But One Year Of Horrible Marriage & Abuse -Please Advise


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33 Years Of Virginity But One Year Of Horrible Marriage & Abuse -Please Advise

Good day ma,

I want to remain anonymous. I am very unhappy in my marriage. I feel my husband does not love me because he cheats on me and says its my fault. We dated for two years before we married. He was a good man then. We actually met through a church member. I think he was trying to impress my friend to show that he is a good Christian, so he agreed to the whole no s8x until after marriage when I told him I been keeping myself for marriage.

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What I did not know was that he was having a side chick while we were dating. When we got married, my wedding night s8x was very painful, even though I keep telling myself is just a matter of time for the pain to go away but it seems not to be so even after two weeks, three weeks and two months of marriage.

S8x became very painful for me ma. I have been crying since I got married because it started to cause between my husband & I. Initially he was patient but after two weeks, he became hostile. He said he expects me to go and sort myself out. I have taken painkillers and alcohol anytime I want to have s8x but it does not help anytime he wants to penetrate.

I reached out to my friends who are married and they advice me to use KY jelly and I have used that every time but soon as the tip of my husband enters me, I feel pain and cry. In his feat of anger and frustration, my husband told me that he will no longer touch me until I am ready. That he will be satisfying himself with his side chick until then.

I had no choice but to report him to the church. That was supposed to help but he got so angry with me for reporting him that he told me that he wants a divorce. That s8x is important to him and since both of us are s8xually incompatible, then we should divorce. This is the same man who told me he does not believe in divorce when we were dating.

Someone gave me some exercises to do on myself to ease the pain I feel in my vagina. I started to use dildo for opening of my vagina area too. When I went to meet my husband to plead with him that I have tried to help myself to open up, he agreed that we can try and that was when he was able to penetrate me successfully. This was like almost four months after marriage.

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Now, even though I still feel pain but I manage to disguise my pain just to please my husband. The s8x must be filled with lots of lubricant before he can penetrate and sometimes, my husband does not like lubricant. And so, I get bruises from having s8x. Ma, my experience has made me hate s8x.

From what I read, I was told about foreplay and other things a man can do to make s8x pleasurable for his wife. I told my husband all these but he refuses to do them. When we quarrel about it, he runs after his side chick. I started to develop feelings of revenge towards my husband because I hated him for thinking he could continuously betray me because of s8x.

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I have just been so unhappy after almost one year of marriage. One night, I came back from work, my husband was not back. I made poundo yam and vegetable for him and kept it on the dinning table. I went to sleep and woke up by 11.45pm. My husband was still not back. I called and called his line…no response. And then , NEPA took light.

I was sweating from the heat…no feedback from husband…no light…I felt so miserable and almost felt like killing myself. I had to use my phone light to go outside to beg the¬† security man from the next compound to assist me to put on the generator. The young man after helping me to out on the gen, I asked him if he had eaten, he said no…so I asked to come and carry the food I made for my husband.

He was so happy that when he finished the food, he washed the plates and returned them…I asked him to place the plates on the dinning. He then asked me if can do anything else for me. I was not hearing him well, he said ma…e get anything else you want me to do for you this night? I dont know where the next words came out from but I heard myself saying to him: can you have s8x with me?

The young man looked at me and said: ah madam…no o but I fit do am if you go pay me. I told him how much. He looked at me and said 10k. I said ok. Everything happened so fast…right there in my sitting room, this Fulani boy began to finger me, suck me, did all kinds of mad things to me and before I knew it…he was inside me. I felt no pain. I was not even aware when he entered.

Things happened in less than 10-15mins. I saw that he came directly into me. I got up, gave him 10k and told him to swear not to say anything. He swore with his mother’s life not to say anything. After he left, I sat down…wondering what happened. Why didn’t I feel pain when he penetrated me? Why was this s8x different from my husband’s. For the first time in months, I slept very well. It seemed like the s8x made me sleep better.

My husband came back the next morning and I did not nag him like before. I didn’t as him what happened. I just ignored him and he noticed it. The next thing, he started trying to make love to me. I refused cos I was thinking he would make me feel pain. I was afraid, he would notice I had been with another man but this man forced himself on me.

He kept insulting me as he was forcing himself. Telling me I was good for nothing. That his side chick is better than me. That she has even put to bed, a baby boy for him. That he spent the night with her…taking care of the baby while I was at home sleeping like a log. that he is only f*cking me cos his side chick did CS and he wants to show me what I am missing. Hmm…I cried silently but not so much from pain but the fact that I have just found out that my husband has a .baby with another woman

So from then, I never cared if husband came back home or not. I decided not to feel guilty from my own crimes cos I was as guilty as my husband. The security man was happy to help me put on the generator, help me wash the cars, anything to get inside our house and f*ck me. I was living dangerously. I could not recognize myself but I was too drowned in sadness that I did not care what I was doing. As far as I was concerned, my husband was cheating and causing me pain…And I was using my security guy as pain relief for my pain.

Now, I am pregnant. I found out last week. From every indication, its not my husband’s child. And I am not about to have a child for a security guard. I have been crying since …no one to talk to …or confess to…I feel like life has been unfair to me. I stayed a virgin all my life to be married to someone who treated me like rubbish and now I found myself living like a slut.

The sad part is… I feel like I am addicted to s8x with this security guard. I need help. What should I do? Tell my husband the baby is his? Lie to him? Abort the baby? What if I never have a baby with my husband cos we don’t love each other anymore. He has treated me so bad that I discovered I hate him more than I ever loved him.

I have lied to the security man that my husband has started suspecting me …so I want to stop seeing him. But I still send him 10k almost every week. I got married thinking I would be happy but marriage has made me become a shadow of my former self. I have changed. I no longer pray cos I feel dirty before God…but I also feel angry that my husband hates me ,has a baby outside our marriage and the family, no one cautions him.

My family just wants me to be praying for God to turn my husband around…yet I see no way I can ever forgive him for all that he has done to me. Only a year of marriage feels like 10 years of pain, abuse and neglect. I am sad…and very often, I feel like ending my life but I fear God will condemn me if I did that. How do I move forward from here? What should I do?

Should I give up on this marriage and go start afresh? Then, I may have to terminate this pregnancy so no one will know. Please help me. I feel trapped and tired of life.




Photo Credit:centreforgrowth


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33 Years Of Virginity But One Year Of Horrible Marriage & Abuse -Please Advise
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. While reading this, I felt nothing but compassion.
    I really do understand how you feel.
    The truth is that good things don’t always happen to us just because we are good people. Having a man treat you like trash even when you kept yourself for him can be traumatising.
    I don’t condemn you for what you did but you need to stop.
    Forgive your husband so God can forgive you. He might never ask for your forgiveness but remember you are not doing it for him.
    Talk to your husband about what has happened. Do not kill an innocent child.
    Pray to God and also speak to your family. The consequences might be terrible but you have to bear it.
    God can help you through this if you will let him.
    Remember to forgive and keep loving.
    All of this is too hard to do but give it your best. Nobody can make you happy. You owe it to yourself.
    Carry Jesus with your dominant hand and take Joy on the other. Do it for you.
    Pray for your husband to change so he doesn’t loose his soul to the enemy.
    I’m really sorry for all you are going through. It won’t last forever.

  2. Well said @flower. Pls heed to the counsel above.

    The Lord will see you through but take the first step of running to Him. Let Him wipe away your tears. He knows how you feel better than you know. Forgive your husband & forgive yourself too.

    It came to pass. Receive courage. After you have prayed tell God to soften your husband’s heart & tell him what has happened while he neglected You.

    May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.

  3. My dear, I will advise you to start praying for yourself, your husband has chosen his path and he’s not a baby to be told what to do. It’s obvious he deceived you into marrying him. I will suggest you separate from him and stay on your own. You can divorce if you wish, it’s legal spiritually and physically. From all indication you have enough resources to cater for yourself. Be happy life is short. I wouldn’t say you should abort the baby especially if you are above 30. Just try and start your life again and love yourself more. Don’t waste your youth praying for a man that will probably change and love you in his old age when he’s feeble. If you can afford it, please be a single mum. Tell your family and his about your decision, ask God to forgive you and move on. No point wasting your youth in a loveless marriage. God bless you

  4. Separate from your husband and the security man and start a new life with your child. Get closer to God to help you heal and forgive you of your transgressions.
    You don’t owe your husband any explanation if he wants one he should look for you and he if looks for you, tell him you are pregnant for another man. You don’t have to mention the name of the security man for his safety.
    Let God guide you.


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