- How My Mother Allowed Bitterness To Deprive Me Of Having A Father
Good day ma,
Pardon me, my story is a bit long but I will try to make it short. I am 36 years old. I need your advice on something that has been bothering me for so long. So, my parents separated when I was one year old. Actually, they were dating and engaged but my father’s mother from the west while my mother is from the south east part of Nigeria.
But they both met in Lagos and fell in love . My father’s mother never liked my mother and when they planned to get married, she did everything in her power to frustrate the marriage. My mother was really frustrated cos she told me many horrible stories of things that my father’s mother did to her. My mom said my father never did anything to stop his mother from maltreating her.
Eventually, my mom got pregnant and my father’s mother found out and ordered boys to attack her on her way from work one night. That she was left for dead. My mother said, that she survived with her pregnancy was a miracle cos she was hit in her stomach several times. That is why my name is Olochukwu (meaning the handwork of God).Those who attacked her called her,omo-ibo…stay away from Sola , that is my father (not real name) if you want to stay alive.
My mother said when my father came, he refused to believe that his mother would stoop so low to attack my mother and he was angry at my mother for suggesting that. Because of the attack, my mother’s family took her back to the East and that is where my mother gave birth to me and raised me all by herself. When my mother left, my father never asked after my mother or the baby which is me.
I grew up hearing my mother say so much hateful things about my father. It was clear my mother was bitter and that even made her not to trust men, my mother remained single all her life. She was truly broken by what happened.
Well, I am grown and ready to marry. My mother never told me who my father is, even though I kept asking her. I did not know his name to go and look for him. I tried sometimes to make her or her family tell me about my father but they all refused. I think my mother warned them not to tell me.
I used to wish I had a father to walk me on my wedding day but I did not know how to reach my father. I had to let the idea of ever meeting my dad go. Well, I have been married for two years and I have a four months old baby. My mother’s eldest brother called me last year and told me that he feels I have a right to know my father, so he told me my father’s name and told me to promise not to tell my mother he was the one who told me.
So since last year, I have been trying to find my father on social media. I asked alot of people and DM alot of people in secret. Until five months ago, a month before I gave birth, I found my father. When I contacted him, he was shocked. He was so happy too. He told me something completely different from what my mom told me.
My father told me that he was an irresponsible young man when he met my mother ..that is why he could not protect her from his mother but that 20 years ago, he started trying to reach my mother, but my mother refused to give him access to her or myself. That he regrets loosing me and my mother.
My father then told me not to tell my mother that we found each other. I gave birth a month later. My father travelled down to Port Harcourt to see me and my husband and our baby. He was so happy. Yes, he is married with another family but it was clear he missed me and he was really sorry for what happened. My father cried the first day we met. He said he knows he does not deserve forgiveness but he is willing to do whatever it takes.
Now, even though my father didnt want me to tell my mother that we have found each other, I could never keep such a secret from my mother. I knew it would be a hurtful thing but I also wanted to be truthful. I told my mother a week after I met my dad. And do you know what? My mother said I betrayed her and rubbed all the suffering she suffered for me in her face.
My mother disowned me for disobeying her, for contacting my father and for allowing my father into my life. All efforts to explain to her that she should forgive and forget fell on deaf ears. She said she will hold it to her grave. I and my husband have begged and begged. Even my father too has sent several messages cos she will never grant him audience if he tries to see her.
Its been almost four months now. My mother refused to talk to me. Not even try to come see me now that I have a new baby. She said, its only on the condition that I swear that I will never see my father or talk to him again. I cant understand why my mother does not want to understand my own pain.
I grew up fatherless…yes…he was irresponsible but he tried to make amends but he was rejected. Do you know what I went through growing up Being called a bastard…being mocked by other kids? being called all kinds of names? I have daddy issues. I envied my friends that had great relationship with their dads. I was almost even s8xually molested by a man I took as a father figure (story for another day). …all because I lacked fatherly love… I don’t do well in relationships cos I missed a father figure growing up. I was only able to marry by God’s grace.
God gave me a very patient man to marry cos I also have trust issues. Men called me toxic or even quick tempered woman. I carried alot of my mom’s anger. All of these because of what happened with my mom and dad. I was a restless teenager. Many thought I would never settle down and marry …that is why I got married at age 34.
I just want an opportunity to know my father. To find some closure and heal some wounds. But my mother forbids it. She says she raised me without him, why do I need him now that I am grown and do not need his help? That my going to look for him is a betrayal. I know she is hurt but what about me? I need my father…why is it so wrong to need my father? That does not mean I forgive him for what his family did to my mother but I just want to give him a chance.
I love my mother. She is my everything. Without her, I will not be here. I cannot bear not speaking with her. Should I cut off from my dad for peace sake? My dad is begging me not to cut him off again. What do I do? My husband said I can have a secret relationship with my dad…so my mother does not find out. How do I even do that? Besides, the day she finds out…the betrayal will be worse and she may not take it easy on me for tricking her.
The elders in my family are not helping…they feel my mom has suffered too much…that her wish should be respected. This matter is bothering me. I need your advise. What should I do? Should I cut off my dad again? Am I betraying my mother if I dont?Please advise me.
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