Help-My Marriage Is Crashing Because Of Family Entanglement
Hmm, I don’t know how I should say this but I need your advice. Its a long story but please bear with me. It’s about my ex’s brother. Before you judge me, please hear me out. I know what you are thinking but it didn’t start like this.
I met my ex eight years ago. He is from a well to do family and he is the second son. Their father is a very controlling person, their mother too. When we dating, his father made it known that he didn’t like me. I broke up with him but he kept coming back for me and I liked him alot.
The father continued to dislike me and I was scared. His father controlled him and he was spineless. I broke up with him and moved on from then. But my ex brother stayed in touch. Though he was married at the time, his marriage was not a happy one. He said his father imposed the marriage on him. I never knew he liked me or had feelings for me.
However, as time went on, like two years later, he separated from his wife and he began to fully come after me romantically. I was like, the same father that did not like me, how will he agree now. I had fallen deeply in love with my ex’s brother but we are keeping it a secret from everyone cos of his father and brother may not agree.
I told him that I will not put my life on hold for him ,waiting for him to divorce his wife. He then convinced me to have a quiet traditional wedding. We kept everything hidden from his family just to avoid everything blowing out. He rented an apartment for me and since then I been staying there and he comes to see me and sometimes spend time with me.
Two years ago, we had our first son. His divorce was finalized and we opened up to his family. Of course, they were enraged but we went ahead and did our court wedding. His family cut him off. I felt really sad but I been praying for peace and settlement among the family.
Our life has been like that for the past two years. They have never come to see us and we don’t go to visit them. Although his elder sister in America and the one in Abuja, they call us, we are in touch. I have sent several messages to my father in-law and my ex to forgive and forget but in return, they curse me, call me prostitute, gold digger. I finally stopped talking to them.
In March this year, my ex finally sent my husband a message and they reconciled. He then started coming to our house like every Sunday evening, we have family dinner together. Sometimes, he jokes and calls me our wife, that I could not resist their family charm, that I ended up marrying the brother. Everything was a joke.
Everything has been ok since then. My husband travelled for a business strip in July this year. My ex, his brother still used to come see us Sunday evenings. He will play with our son and we just jist generally. That Sunday evening, he came to our house, I got a smell from him that he had taken some alcohol before coming to our house.
I gave him food and he ate, we video called my husband and he was like he wanted to go, I told him to get an Uber cos he looked tipsy. He said he can drive, but he will rest small. Which was ok to me. He sat in the sitting room, I was with my son playing in our room until he fell asleep.
After that I went back to the sitting room to wake my brother in-law up cos it was getting late. He was deeply asleep, snoring. I called my husband to tell him and he said I should leave him and go to bed. I left him sleeping on our sofa, went to have my bath and tried to go to sleep.
I was woken up from sleep like and hour and a half later. My brother in-law, my ex was on top of me, trying to pull apart my night gown. It took me a few moments to realize what he was trying to do. He was trying to sleep with me. I kept pushing him. He was begging me to please let him.
I started crying and telling him not to do this, that it will scatter the family after all we have been through. He said some things in anger. That I betrayed him by marrying his brother. That the life I have with his brother should have been him. That he regrets his action. That every time he sees how happy I am with my husband and our son, he wishes he was the one with me.
That I also turn him on every time he sees me. I begged, kicked and cried and begged. He eventually got up and got himself back. He apologized and left my room. I was so scared, I locked my room door, held a wooden spoon just in case he came back. He left …this was around 1am. He begged me not to mention it to his brother.
That night was horrible. I cried all through. I wanted to call my husband but I was also thinking that would really mess things up with the brothers. I know how happy he was when they reconciled. And the fact that he trusted his brother with me when he travelled, it will kill him to find out what happened in his absence.
The next day, his brother called me to apologize and said he will no longer come to our house cos he cannot bear to see me without loosing his mind. That is fine by me but since my husband came back, he has been wondering why his brother stopped coming to our house.
My husband called him several times to come over but he always found excuse to come up with. My husband suggested we go and visit him but I declined. He has now started suspecting something happened between me and his brother while he was away. I want to tell him but I cant. I told yes, we had a misunderstanding but its nothing serious.
That made my husband demand to know exactly what happened. I lied and told him that the brother called me a gold digger. That made my husband angry and call his brother up to shout at him. That one did not say anything but that he is sorry for everything he did but he will no longer be coming to our house.
My husband said fine. I know he is not happy but he wont let his brother disrespect me. We have been on our own until his brother’s engagement came up last week. My husband told me about me about it, that his mother pleaded with him to come. And he said he will not come with out me. That if the family don’t want to see me, then, no need for him to come.
The mother agreed. But it appears his brother found out I was coming and begged me not to come. He sent me a message begging me not to come. He said if I came, he is not sure he will go ahead with the marriage.
So I told my husband I was sick and cannot make it. My husband was surprised but he said ok, lets go to the hospital. That was when I told him the truth…that I cannot go because I suspect his brother still has feelings for me. My husband was like, its a lie…I showed him the text his brother sent me.
My husband was enraged and drove out in anger. Apparently to meet his brother to confront him. His brother, my ex and my husband fought that day. Everything scattered. The whole family got involved. His parents abused me for bringing trouble in their family. My husband came back and asked me if I tried to seduce his brother when he travelled in July.
I was shocked….his brother changed the story to me trying to seduce him…now, I tried to explain that he was the one who tried to rape me. My husband asked me: why didn’t you tell me. I told him I was scared and didn’t want anything to come in-between them again after they reconciled.
The next thing I heard was: you should have trusted me with the truth. Now, I do not know who to believe but I guess I cannot trust you or my brother anymore. My husband has moved out of the bedroom into our guest bedroom. I have begged and cried my eyes out. I have sent his brother countless messages to tell the truth but the whole family has turned against me.
Exactly what I tried to prevent. I love my husband and will do anything for him to forgive me but I did nothing wrong. I was only trying to avoid trouble, that was why I didn’t tell him. My husband has not spoken to me for the past one week….my friend told me to give him time to calm down.
But last night, my husband did not come home. He sent me a message that I should not bother about him. That it appears as long as long as his brother and I have history, that it seems our marriage cannot be peaceful. That I have feelings for his brother, that is why I did not tell him what happened with his brother when he travelled.
This was my fear initially but my husband was the one who convinced me that whatever I had with his brother did not matter, now, he has broken that promise and I am alone, I am broken and don’t know what to do. I am sorry I did not tell him his brother tried to force me to have s*x with him but I was trying to protect their bond…
What do I do to get my husband back and believe me? I don’t even know who to talk to, to help me beg him cos his family is blaming me….Is my marriage truly over?
Please help me…please help me…
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