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My Heart Is Breaking -This Relationship Is The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

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My Heart Is Breaking -This Relationship Is The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me

Hi,

My name is Joy (not real name). I am 30 years old. I became 30 last July actually. I am what you could call a big girl in terms of my size. Well, from birth, I have always been big. I was called orobo right from being a baby and its simply because my bones are big. My Father too is on the very big side and I guess I took after him.

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Being called fat is not cool but over the years, after struggling with depression from all the teasing and insults I get from people, I began to develop a coping mechanism by developing thick skin to the many insults I got from friends and even strangers when they feel they can talk about my size.

I call myself big bold and beautiful. Then again, I tried all things to make me reduce in size but even though I have shed a lot of weight, I still am a big girl compared to a lot of people. I am a size 20 if you know what that means. This has also affected my relationships. Many men find me s*xually attractive but not for a permanent relationship.

That is how I got into a relationship with my current boyfriend whom I have been with for almost two years. At first, we connected because the s8x was great but later, we truly fell in love. We met in a conference three years ago and shared the same hotel. We hooked up that night and that was it. We didn’t think we would cross parts again until a year later.

This time, he was ready to pursue a relationship with me. I thought it was just for the s*x cos he kept telling me that I am such a great lover for someone my size. I do not know why men think only slim girls can have skills in the bed…but I told him I was no longer interested in a one night shagging…he said he likes me and wants me to be his girlfriend.

That came to me as a shock cos , if you see me…so I played hard to get a little and he kept on wooing me, eventually I agreed like 2 months later. Since then, we have been having a great time. I found a soul mate in him and our relationship has been quite good.

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The only issue is that, I started feeling somehow since we clocked two years and he is not making any mention of marriage. I mean, we been together since I was 28. If we are going to get married, I am now 30, what is the plan? I brought up the matter after my birthday, sometime in August. He said why am I bugging him about marriage…that he is not ready for marriage.

That was like a blow to me. I told him that I was not ready to keep on dating with no goal in sight. We had a misunderstanding about that and I almost broke up with him but after a week of not speaking with him, we reconciled and he said to me that the reason he is dragging his feet on the matter is cos of my size….he said while he loves me regardless of my size, he is worried that his family would not accept me.

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To me, I was like, why didn’t you tell me all this since we been together for two years plus…he said he didn’t know how to tell me without hurting my feelings. So, he asked me if I was willing to do a fat reduction surgery. At the time, I was ready to consider it cos I thought this was a good option cos I love him and he offered to pay for the surgery.

However, since that time, I have been doing some research in the surgery and its seems like a dangerous option. I am scared. He has assumed me that nothing will happen to me, we have found one of the best cosmetic surgeons to do the surgery but my heart is shaking honestly.

My sister that I discussed this with says I should no bother if I am scared cos my fear might even make things go wrong. When I told my boyfriend that I am scared of going through with the surgery, he said the ball is in my court: meaning, either I do the surgery or no marriage…

I find his stance very annoying. He did say he loves me and would never break up with me except I want to break up with me. He feels that if I truly love him, I should also consider his feelings and make compromise buy trying the surgery…he says he is willing to be by my side all through…that he just wants the best for us, so that no one would be looking down on me.

I am now at cross roads: should I still attempt the surgery despite my reservations or break up with him? Or keep being his girlfriend and forget about marriage? I am faced with no easy choices and I need your advice please. Its not easy finding a guy who truly makes you happy and I don’t want to loose him over my fears but what if my fears are valid?

This relationship is the best thing that happened to me in a long time…why can’t his family accept whoever their son loves…no wonder we have never visited his family; we talk on the phone but we have never visited them. What should I do? I am going through emotional turmoil. Please advice me.

Anonymous

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

10 COMMENTS

  1. You did your research and you saw it is a dangerous option, your heart too is shaking,…I’m really sorry for you, when you start reaping you will be the ONLY one to feel the pain.

    Size can be reduced, it is mostly what you eat, you can stop eating lunch not breakfast, it is dangerous and unhealthy to miss breakfast, it causes ulcer and other health problems, and do exercise but basically it is diet.

    Lastly, I advise you to stop having sex before marriage. STOP IT. Peace

  2. To me go for a surgery is a dangerous move, don’t go through such risk to please him but you can as well try your findings to reach his family first then you can quote him from the reaction you will see from his family, what if it is your guy that don’t really like your size and he’s lying is his family that doesn’t like size, insist and you meeting his family first before you will know your next line of action either to go for the surgery or breakup with him, what if after surgery the family don’t like you either?

  3. My elder brother’s wife wears size 22-24 and she has always been that big, even before marriage.
    It is our brother’s choice and no one dare say a word about it. Bros don’t play when it comes to his wife.
    That should be how protective your boyfriend should be.
    Let him bounce while you love yourself.
    There is a group on Facebook, called intermittent fasting, another group is ketogenic diet and AEC waist trainer.
    Join all 3 groups and lose those weight with ease.

  4. Why don’t you try other weight loss processes that are safer and less complicated. Do it for yourself not because if any man but if you are comfortable with your body then damn that guy and let him go because the issue of your size will always come up and it will be bad for you to be married to someone who is embarrassed by your size.
    Just love yourself and do what works for you

  5. Hmmmm, the problem is not if you go for surgery or not. The major underlying problem is YOU!

    You don’t love yourself enough and you are giving off this vibe of low self-esteem and people pleasing attitude.

    You are giving off the wrong energy to your boyfriend and that’s why he has you trapped.

    I honestly don’t blame your boyfriend for the way he’s treating and had treated you in the past. No one can love you more than you love yourself.

    You need to work on your mindset by changing the way you see yourself. That’s where your true power lies.

    Though these processes might be painful, but I suggest you do the following:
    1. Severe ties with him in order to work on yourself.

    2. Remove everything sex from your life for now cause it’s inhibit your judgement

    3. Draw nearer to God and be open to Him so as to heal your emotional wounds

    4. Get books on Self-love, how to build healthy boundaries, self-esteem. Also subscribe to Pst. Kingsley Okonkwo’s YouTube channel for relationship sense

    5. Diligently follow the advice/instructions you’ve been able to gather.

    6. See yourself as the most important person in the world. Treat yourself with respect and love and people will learn to treat you the way you treat yourself.
    Work on becoming a high-value woman.

    Once you see your value, others will value you.

    DON’T GO FOR SURGERY!.

    Anybody wey no go love you the way you are, make the person shift

    I rest my case!!!

  6. Anyone who isn’t proud of you before family and friends isn’t worth it. Anyone suggesting any dangerous options to you is not your God given spouse. The more you think about him being the best ever in terms of dating and your age,you’ll force yourself to settle for whatever is thrown at you. I can bet you, you’ll not last 5 years in a marriage with this man. He will eventually start going for the small girls or big butts ladies. This is a brewing disaster. All the best.

  7. My sister, Biko loving oneself is the key to a healthy and happy life either in or out of a relationship.

    Tendency exist that after the surgery you may even still add another round of weight coz it’s your gene.

    Your kind of case isn’t the first under the heavens. I have seen a guy dump a moderately slim lady for a size 22 lady.

    Therefore, chill, pester him to show you to his family first.

    @Nene has suggested some tips, research more but be careful about drugs and herbs.

    Finally, I think this guy isn’t confident enough about accepting and loving your size. Getting married to him is wavering coz we don’t know the size that child-birth will shape you to.

    Pray some more. Do not stop sharing your moves and what you are going through to a trusted and Matured relation.
    Depression is real, you shall not be depressed.

    Peace

  8. Dear Poster that man isn’t serious about you.
    I’m a size 20 and currently married. Who says you should be ashamed of your size??? I believe he’s more ashamed of you so he cannot present you to his family.
    What if you do the surgery and get married then after child birth add more weight will you do another surgery?
    Please love yourself and ditch the man. Your own will come.

  9. Wawu!!! I read something new today. How can the family not like you when they are yet to even see, meet or know you.

    My sister, the guy is the problem. He wanted you back because of the great quickie you had during the conference. So he got you back to continue enjoying that great moment with you as it was something he really enjoyed the first time it happened. He thought he could cope with a fat lady so he agreed to enter into the relationship just for the sex benefits to continue. Now that when it is coming to possibility of marriage, he doesn’t want a fat lady as a wife.

    Better quit the relationship with him. Surgery or no surgery, you will always regain back ur weight especially when child birth comes to play. So accept yourself as you are and look for a man who appreciates fat lady. There are men that wants fat ladies. I know them (such guys) personally. So don’t think you won’t ever get a guy who wants you the way you are.

    Abeg flee from that guy. I wish u well.

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