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I Promised Not To Break Her Heart But My Family Is Against Our Relationship

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I Promised Not To Break Her Heart But My Family Is Against Our Relationship

This is my dilemma. I am an only child of my parents. My dad is late. When he passed, my mother found out that he had another daughter outside but he didn’t tell us. That made my mom very bitter. But by the grace of God, we survived all and since I graduated from school five years ago, my mom has been on my case to get married and give her grandchildren.

Its not like I don’t want to marry but finding the right woman has always been an issue. My last relationship was ok but I could not see us getting married because this lady had attitude issues. I felt I was the one putting more effort into the relationship, she was just coasting, making me work hard to stay in the relationship.

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So, when I started giving the new colleague in my office a ride, something happened. I am not one to cheat, I hate cheating so its not like I went out looking for someone to cheat with. But this lady who resumed in our office happened to live in my same estate and so it made sense for us to ride to the office together.

Sometimes we used my car, sometimes we used her car. But I found out she was such a lovely personality. So, it shocked me how she was not married but she has a son. Apparently, she had a son for someone who she did not know was married. We clicked on a lot of levels and I just found her very comfortable to talk to.

On her part, she was dating a guy who did not also appreciate her like my own girl did not appreciate me. We shared our experiences and counselled one another and ne day, the topic was why do opposites attract. We realized we both we very much alike while our partners were very much different from us. I told her I wished I met her before I met my partner, I would have married her.

She laughed saying that is not possible cos she is even older than me with 7 years. That is true, she is older but she does not look her age one bit…and I like her alot. I met  her son   and I completely fell in love with her son too. Sometimes, she invites me over when she cooks afang soup and their delicacies cos she is an amazing cook.

My girl and I kept growing apart more and more. I eventually stopped trying to force myself to make our relationship work. If I dont call, she wont call. She is all about the money, me buying her stuff and she never buys me anything. Always saying I am the man so I should take responsibility. So, I stopped trying.

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What made me realize this girl was fake was when my birthday came. For someone I have dated for two years and spent so much for her birthday, she just sent only a text on her birthday and did not bother to call or visit. My colleague got me a cake and some food which I shared with my friends later that evening. The food was heavenly, everyone thought it was my girlfriend who ordered the food and sent over to me cos she could not make the birthday.

On Saturday morning, I went over to my colleague’s house to return the cooler she used to bring me the food but I knocked on her door for a while and she did not open. I was worried cos her car was packed outside so I knew she was at home. I called her line…she sent me a text to drop the cooler at her door and leave that she cant come to the door.

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I became more worried. On Sunday I tried to call her and she called back saying she was not feeling well and she could not come to the door. So I went over at her place that evening. Her son was not around, it turns out the mother came to take the boy for the weekend and she was alone. I asked her if she was ok and she said yes but I could see she was not.

After pushing a little bit further, she opened up and told me that her boyfriend didn’t like that she cooked for me and accused her of cheating on him with me, they got in a big fight and they broke up. That was why she was avoiding me when I came to drop the cooler. She was shaking and I knew then and there, she had feelings for me and I kissed her.

She tried to stop me cos she kept saying what about my girlfriend and I told her I have no intention to going back to her. I fell in love that day cos no woman has ever treated me the way she did and still does. So, yes, I am in love with a woman seven years older than me and she has a son…I been with her for almost a year and I all I want is to marry her.

My issue is the fact that my mother is not supporting the idea of marriage to my woman. Her issue is: she had a son for a married man …the same way a woman had a child for my late father knowing he was married. My mother does not believe she did not know the man was married. My mother said after all, she knew I had a girlfriend and she seduced me with food and s*x. My mother feels that my woman is smarter than me and is trying to take advantage of me.

When my lady found out my mom does not like her, she was upset. Saying she cannot handle another drama in her life after having a son for a married woman. I tried to convince her to try to get to know my mom but it seems even if she tries, my mother is not willing to give her a chance. So, she rather avoids any topic about my mom and that pains me.

We have never had any misunderstanding since we been dating but she says I should not waste her time if this is not going to work…that she is not a young woman trying to beg any man to choose her over his mother to be with her…those words she uses hurt but I see where she is coming from.

Out of anger, I told her we should take a break and she said fine: I could barely spend a day without her. I missed her to the point my head was spinning. Just one day o. We made up that night and I promised to never let my mom come in-between us. That is not to say I am battling in my heart how to make these two women agree. Maybe, it could happen after we marry?

Will my mother change her stance after marriage or will this cause a deeper divide. Nothing scares me more than my mother not being in my life or my children’s lives cos she raised me and deserves to be happy. But I also deserve to be happy.

My mother is telling everyone that an old woman has seduced her son. Was I seduced by her, no…was she extra nice to me, yes….and that made me attracted to her…yes. My mother is being paranoid but she has vehemently said I should find someone else cos this lady is manipulating me cos she is older, wiser and more experienced than me. I know older women perhaps know how to take care of their men but this woman is too nice …how can she be manipulating me?

My aunties and uncles have wadded into the matter cos they are supporting my mother. That I am young and can find someone else my age or someone I am older than. That as an only child, I should never let another woman come between me and my mom. I never thought I could find myself in love with someone my family didn’t accept. I love this woman…she is the only woman I have dated that has acted mature and ready to be a good wife to me …but I also love my mother.

What should I do? Should I listen to my mother and my family…it would hurt my mom if I ignored her warning but isn’t that what true love is? On the other hand, I have explained how me and this lady began to date to you because I want to ask you this…do you think she seduced me? We were both in bad relationships and found each other…could it be all too convenient?

What if this woman is my destiny? Do you think I will find someone like her if I let my family com between us? And I also do not want to break my woman’s heart cos she has been though alot … I promised her I would never do that…This is so hard … What do you think I should do?

Anonymous

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

5 COMMENTS

  1. Hello man. Are you ready to deal with a woman who is a baby mama to another man, it may be true that she did not know the man was married,also until people stop seeing sex before marriage as ok, issues like this will always occur,but what if she is lying, I tell you this, people can pretend a lot

    How can you say you can live a day without her, I ask you, before you met where you dead…abeg abeg bros, you have started acting weak, its ok to love but wisdom is KEY.

    Just know that her baby daddy will always be in her life, and trust me sometimes sexual feelings will come up and then sex occurs, Bro, people are smart @ hiding their cheating adulterous ways. The choice is yours, at the same time you can’t stop anyone from cheating, cheating is a choice, it can never be a mistake.

    I MUST make reference to this you said “I could barely spend a day without her.”. You need to love yourself so much, self control is so important, what if she no more, what will you then do.

    Im pained when men and women think they can’t do without someone they love, its wrong to have such mindset. Your happiness is100% your responsibility. Peace man, you will be fine

    • This has to be the judgemental Akin who has changed his name.
      It’s a pity…
      If you don’t have anything to say, any advice to give a hurting person then keep quiet instead of judging the person’s actions or inactions.

  2. Actually Bj was right but he was just too critical and it came out harsh. Let me fully explain mine then to avoid SUCH reoccurrence.

    First of all, OP, I will side with your mother and family on this issue. Clearly with the way you have described the woman, she is emotionally stronger than you. You are fully clouded by love and the good things about her but she on the otherhand sees you as an option. That is, even if she loves you as you claimed, she doesn’t look like someone who would want to ever fight to secure her place in your life forever or that would desperately work to impress and make sure your mother loves her. That was why she was strong emotionally to quickly call it quit when you had your first misunderstanding. I’m sure you were the one who first begged or called her to have her back into the relationship, meaning she is strong and ready to deal with any disappointment (unlike you) bcos she knows not all precious things can be gotten or owned forever.

    Secondly, even if you should fight your family over her, to force their hands into allowing you to settle down with her, the strong difference between them will still remain and it will keep reoccurring over and over during the marital life, and your wife will never compromise herself to try to make them love her. She will remain her strong able self. She will always say “she told you so” and she will keep controlling you by gaslighting you to think that you or your family were the one at fault.

    If she is not ready to fight right now to win your mother’s love, do you think she will care when she has finally settled down with you? Your mother might be paranoid about some things but she was right about this woman being smarter and wiser than you. The woman you are fighting for is just using you as an alternative. I’m sure she must have been through a lot of failed or unfruitful relationship especially as a single mother. So she is no longer the type that is desperate to start getting too emotional over relationship wahala that is beyond her control. You are the one that is getting too emotional and desperate. You eyes have been blinded by love and you can’t think past her. Who even knows whether she has another alternative partner or plan apart from you. Maybe a secret lover or maybe her ex could still take her back.

    She has wisely enthrall you with all the good physical characteristics a great future wife must have and that’s why you are desperate not to lose her. She knows how to play the game to be presented to a guy for marriage. I guess the big difference in age and exposure to different relationships might also have a part in this.

    I have been in this similar situation before that’s why I can relate with your plight. I fought my family over a lady that was just 2 years older than me. We were both doing our masters degree when this happened. She was matured and knew how to win any man’s heart. She was better in maturity than all younger ladies I have tried to date before. So I was like I will fight my family over it as they didn’t want her due to her being older than me. It didn’t end well and the lady I fought for didn’t care bcos she already told me right from start not to bother as she didn’t want any family wahala even after marriage. I was into depression for some time, almost committed suicide before something reignited me back to start thinking clearly again. Last last I broke up with the lady to win back my family and was able to move on after a year after another lady finally won my heart again. Had to switch environment and also block her phone number to finally move on. That was what worked for me, yours might be different.

    I know you think it won’t be easy to move on from her after a breakup, but I will implore you to just try and work towards that. If not that you are both working in the same company, I would have advised you to change your environment and apartment without letting her know, to ease the moving on. But sincerely, by breaking up with her, cutting off all communications for some months, you will move on eventually. It will just surely happen. Give it some months or another year, another lady would have entered your mind charmingly. You deserve better. Someone who will want to love you and your family together.

    Enough said. The ball is in your court. Your family or the woman. You just have to choose one. If anything should happen in your marital life, your mother will be like “didn’t I warn you about her” or your wife (the woman) will be like “didn’t I tell you to let us quit while dating bcos I didn’t want problem with your mother”, meaning you won’t ever be able to please both sides in the long run whenever issues come up.

    So much more to say from experience but that should be enough.

    Shalom. I pray you get more wisdom and understanding to choose rightly.

  3. Hmm [email protected] dammy and Bj well said bro..
    Guy I pray God give u d right direction to make .but in honesty d lady in question is not ready to make Peace wit ur mum,if truly she loves u,she should ready to make things work bwt her n ur mum?

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