Learn How To Give Your Spouse Multiple Orgasms
This 4-Week Challenge Will Help You Give Your Partner Multiple Orgasms
Come one, come all! It’s time to take your orgasm game to new heights. We’ve created the ultimate 4-week challenge to give your partner(s) all the pleasure—which is to say: multiple orgasms.
This challenge is specific to partners with a vulva for one simple reason: Vulva-owners have a much shorter rest period between orgasms than people with a penis. The clitoris is truly one of the great wonders of the human body.
FYI, you can still use elements of this 30-day challenge if your partner has a penis. You’ll just have to be aware of your partner’s refractory period and be willing to be super patient. Sex is about pleasure, so the more exercises you have to work with, the better it can be. Experimentation is the name of the game.
OK, so what can you expect from these 30 days of partnered fun, you ask?
During the next 4 weeks, you’ll learn:
How to focus on pleasure instead of pressure.
How to use toys and tools to increase the likeliness of multiple orgasms.
All the best tips from some of the world’s leading sex experts so you can become an Orgasm Master.
As with our other 30-day challenges, we should make it clear that they aren’t really “challenges,” because sex isn’t a game to be won. We’re simply using the word “challenge” to denote a series of different things you can try in the never-ending journey of sharpening your sex skills.
Are you ready for this? LET’S DO IT.
Exercise 1: Take orgasm off the table.
This may sound a bit counterintuitive, but taking orgasm off the table is a sex therapy-approved technique for making orgasms happen.
Orgasm is not the end goal of good sex. Orgasm happens because your partner is really enjoying themselves. “Your vulva owning partner being really in the moment and feeling a lot of pleasure is the key here, so making your partner feel good and not being so focused on whether or not they orgasm is a good place to start,” says Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist.
Keeping pressure off orgasm for the duration of this challenge may be difficult, considering we’re literally going for multiple orgasms, but it’s more about getting in the right mindset to maximize pleasure. If we stick to pleasure over performance, we’ll all have a much better experience.
Close the Pleasure Gap and Save Your Sex Life
Exercise 2: Watch your partner get themselves off.
Kenneth Play a world-renowned multiple orgasm-giver, Sex Hacker, and Creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series, says that you should “ask your partner if [they have] multiple orgasms and if [they] do, how they achieve them! Mimicking what [they do] is the best place to start—and the easiest hack.”
Keep in mind the word “if” here. They may not have had multiple orgasms before, but are curious to try it. Either way, learning what they enjoy on their own will help your skills. Once your partner gives themselves an orgasm, take a little breather. After 10 minutes, try mimicking the movements you saw for yourself.
Exercise 3: Buy some high-quality lube.
Any orgasm—let alone multiple orgasms—is basically off the table if your partner’s vulva is dry. Try going down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why.
Lube is the best thing in the world for pleasure, yet we have a strangely pervasive idea that if your partner isn’t wet, they aren’t turned on. This isn’t true. Wetness does not always indicate arousal. Therefore, lube should always be a MUST. “I highly recommend using lube to get your partner [extra] aroused,” Ghose says. “Whether you’re using your finger, or your tongue, the tip of your penis, or a toy, all of those things go really well with lube.”
We recommend choosing a water-based lubricant, as they’re the most reliable and go with all kinds of toys. Pjur lube, Sliquid, and Jimmy Jane are great options—as are the items below:
Exercise 4: Bring in a vibrator (or other sex toy).
Vibration is one of the most reliable ways to reach orgasm when you own a clitoris. Don’t think of sex toys as your enemies, think of them as your teammates. They are there to offer a helping hand in this quest for pleasure.
If your partner already has a vibrator, you can bring it into partnered sex right off the bat. If they don’t, try shopping for one together. If sex toys make you nervous, this can be a great way to get comfortable with them. If need a place to start, check out this guide to sex toys for vulvas—and for partnered sex!
Then do exercise 2 again, this time with the sex toy. It can help to give your partner some time with their new tool alone. Masturbation is how we figure out what we like and when you have a new sex toy, it can take time to get acquainted.
Exercise 5: Start stimulating your partner really slowly.
OK, you’ve graduated to some partnered play (depending on how exercises 1-4 went). But don’t get too ahead of yourself. Go slowly. Orgasms are the peak of a tension-building climb. You hold muscles taut, close your eyes, and focus. The peak releases all that tension.
But you can’t build tension by going from 0 to 60 right away. If you know the stimulation that gets your partner to their first orgasm, you can start there. After this, we’re slowing everything down. If you don’t know what brings your partner to their first orgasm, we’re beginning with the slowdown.
Try kissing your partner’s neck, licking their nipples, etc. Take your time moving down. You shouldn’t literally time yourself (because that sounds unsexy AF), but try to move as slowly as you possibly can. Make your partner beg for you to touch their clitoris. This can be difficult, but the more you practice, the better the result.
Exercise 6: Focus on your partner’s cues.
Pay attention to your partner’s cues, both physical and auditory. Some things to consider: Are their eyes closed? Do they look like they’re having a good time? Are they moaning? Do they look bored? Do they look intensely focused?
“Part of being a really good lover is [paying] attention to non-verbal and physical cues,” Ghose tells us. “This isn’t everything, but it is an important part of helping your partner feel pleasure. If they are moaning with their eyes rolling around in their head, you can be sure they’re feeling really good.”
Play says that in the quest for more orgasms, attention must also be paid to the post-orgasmic recovery period. “Some women push right through and others go gently for a while and build back up the stimulation slowly.” And others may enjoy a mix of both.
Remember that it’s totally OK to ask if you are unsure. This doesn’t have to be too complex. Try asking: Does it feel good here? Or does it feel better here? Ghose says you should avoid an open-ended query like: “What do you want me to do?” sticking instead with options from which your partner can choose. They’re in the moment, and we want to keep them there.
Exercise 7: Pull focus away from the clitoris.
Once your partner has had an orgasm, their clitoris may be feeling extra sensitive. Creating the foundation for second (or third, or fourth) orgasm happens by redirecting focus to other parts of the genitals for a bit. The vulva is chock full of nerve endings, so many varieties of touch will work.
Start slowly again and then transition to harder, faster touch. “You can use your fingers, tongue, [and] objects to gently caress or ferociously rub around the vulva,” Ghose says. After an orgasm, begin kissing and licking the outer thighs gently, then move inward. Try licking up and down the outer labia and then move inward. Don’t forget to pay attention to your partner’s cues! If they seem to be enjoying themselves (or straight up say they are loving it), keep moving in. It’s about keeping the slow burn going so you can build back up to the orgasmic peak without overstimulating your partner.
Exercise 8: Find your “Big 3.”
Orgasm boils down to properly stimulating nerve endings. The problem? When you’re going for multiple orgasms, the nerve endings can become overstimulated, which can lead to temporary tenderness, pain, or numbness. To be extremely clear: No, it is not possible to become addicted to vibration, pleasure, or orgasms. It’s more like when your foot falls asleep: it gets numb and tickly for a while and then goes back to normal. The same thing happens with our genitals after a lot of sexual touching.
Play says you should aim for ~3 main forms of stimulation. For instance: oral, penetration, vibration; vibration, oral, anal; manual, vibration, penetration. This takes time and practice, but figuring out the big things your partner enjoys is a big step to multiple Os. “You might give her her first orgasm by going down on her and her second by penetrating her with a toy and using a vibrator on her,” Play says.
Blended Orgasms Are the Secret to Way Hotter Sex
Exercise 9: Practice edging.
Edging is when you tease your partner with oral sex, hand sex, penetrative sex, a toy, etc. right up until they’re about to orgasm, only to stop right before they climax (the edge, get it?). Once they’ve come back down to neutral, you start the whole process of sexual stimulation over again.
Why is this good for multiple orgasms? Because it will WAKE UP nerve endings your partner didn’t even know they had. Building up to an orgasm, only to stop stimulation at the last second, can lead to better, stronger, and more intense orgasms. The more intensely you experience climax in your body, the easier it becomes to orgasm—and it’s all about learning how your body works.
Physical and verbal cues will play a big part here. If your partner says “I’m going to come,” that’s a pretty straightforward way to know it’s time to stop. If they don’t give such audible indications, listen to their body.
You can also ask them to tell you when they’re going to come, because edging (like everything in sex) must be done with full consent. If everyone is on the same page, communication becomes easier.
Exercise 10: Pay attention to speed and consistency.
Gentler, lighter touch sometimes requires increased speed when you’re getting closer to orgasm, Ghose says. This can work in some instances, but you must remember that different people respond to stimulation in different ways. This is why learning about your partner’s pleasure preferences becomes so important. There are too many times when we think that faster and harder means better. This is not always the case.
What’s really important is consistency. If something is working (remember those physical cues?), stay on that thing. Remember, orgasm is built out of tension in the body, culminating at the height of sexual response. In order for that tension to build, most people need the stimulation to stay in one place, with a certain rhythm, to peak. So, slowly get the tension going by teasing your partner with all the fun tips we’ve been gathering so far, then stay consistent until orgasm.
THEN, do this all over again.
Exercise 11: It’s time to experiment.
Remember the Big 3 from exercise 8? After your partner has their first orgasm, take those three forms of stimulation, put them in your back pocket, and get ready to try some new stuff.
“Many [vulva-owners] are not aware what they are capable of, and the reason they don’t think it’s possible is because right after the first [orgasm], they are so sensitive and no one has ever given them the time to recover properly so they associate post-orgasm stimulation with pain,” Play explains. “In this case, some adjustments and switching to things” can be the difference between one orgasm and two.
Try other sexy things like “making out or nipple stimulation rather than genital stimulation,” Play says. “Then, come back to more direct simulation later.” The slow burn continues, baby!
Exercise 12: Be ready to let go of this challenge if it stops being fun or sexy.
The last piece of this challenge is learning when to move on. It’s not about quitting or giving up. It’s all about learning, figuring stuff out, and being open to things veering away from the “Plan.”
“Not everyone desires multiple orgasms,” Play says. “[Vulva-owners] vary in their sexualities, preferences, and orgasm patterns. It’s important not to push people to perform new tricks sexually to satisfy your own ego, but to listen to what your partner wants.”
Likewise, if your partner was very down to clown in the Multi-Orgasmic-Universe and this 4-week challenge proves exhausting and tiresome, it’s OK to do other stuff. As we said in the beginning—and will keep saying forever—sex is not about achieving all these “goals.” It’s about enjoying your bodies and enjoying one another.
Hopefully trying these exercises was a way to bring you closer together as lovers. If it did, you did a great job.