True Life Experience: I Regret My Divorce Because There Are No Available Men
Four years ago, my divorce was finalized. The marriage was just about six years with 2 children, one boy and one girl. I had endured a marriage of verbal abuse and infidelity. My husband then, a charming young man was head of the Choir when we met. We dated for almost two years before marriage.
It was not until my second pregnancy, that the abuse and cheating started or maybe that was when I started noticing it. It turned out that he was sleeping with girls in the choir and even some married women at his workplace. It was a scandal when the husband of one of the women attacked him and threatened to kill him.
Every time I wanted to leave cos it was just too much, he would beg me and promise to change but he went right back to it. He even blamed me for his behavior. Saying I gained weight and no longer sexually attractive. I cried for months. I got STDs. And then, he stopped coming home for weeks upon weeks. No doubt, he was with a woman. I filed for a divorce.
This man did not even flinch. The divorce went smoothly and I have been living in regret ever since. I am young, 36 years old and divorced. I am beautiful with a good job. I was so bitter that I made a very big mistake. After my divorce, just to prove that I was still desirable, I slept with a married man. I hated myself for that cos to me, I was no different than my husband who was messing with married women.
I begged God for forgiveness and decided to stay off men for two years before dating again. I managed, no man, no sex for two years. Even three years later, no man, no sex. mainly because the men coming for me were married men or boys who do not want any relationship commitment. They just wanted to be friends with benefit. I told myself, I deserve better than that.
Since our divorce, my ex husband has never visited us. He only picked up the children during the holidays. But this Christmas, he came to pick up the children very late around 10pm and he was like, its a bit late, can he spend the night and next morning, he and the kids can leave? I agreed.
That night, I offered him food and he ate. He said he missed my cooking and he misses us. I was like, no need cos too many water under the bridge now. When I went to the kitchen to drop the plates, he went with me, grabbed me from behind and pressed himself on me. I was like, what are you doing, he was like, tell me to stop if you want me to…I said stop…he said, you don’t mean that…
Long story short, we slept together that night. The next morning, he apologized and I told myself this was a mistake. But guess what, that afternoon, he called me and said I should meet him in a hotel close to his house. He was sounding desperate. Maybe I too missed him so much and was wishing we could repair our relationship, I got ready and met him at the hotel.
That was how I lodged in the hotel close to his house. He would lie to his girlfriend that he is going to the gym and he would come f*ck me for several hours since the 20th of December. I began to long for him and I lost my senses. I later tried to get him to talk…asking him what his plans are for us…are we getting back together or what…
That was when he said, we can never get back together. That marriage is no longer for him. That he realizes he cannot be faithful to one woman and so, he cannot marry and be tied to one woman. I told myself, I will not continue with him, so I left the hotel and went back home. Since the last time, I have been craving to see him but pretending not to care.
He dropped the children back on the 26th and did not even look at me. I was mad. Mad with anger and passion. I called his line after he left, soon as he picked, I dropped. He just sent me a text, be at the hotel by 12 noon. I replied ok. I was there…we f*cked and I started to beg him never to leave me…he said ok…but no marriage…no monogamy?
What is wrong with me? Am I so sex starved that I am going back to my vomit? The same reason I divorced him for…how am I supposed to agree to that? Maybe I need a man to quickly recover from this madness. While still in this matter, the same married man I slept with texted me, asking me for a good time. Does that mean that there are no good men around?
I want a man who is single or divorced or widowed to reach out to me … maybe all men are like this…I am regretting my divorce…maybe I should have remained cos the only available men are either married or not looking for commitment….I know divorced women still find love but its been four years after, when will I find my own true love? I do not want to be alone forever. please help me…please advice me…I feel so trapped . what do I do?
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