HomeAdviceTrue Life Story: My Success Is Incomplete Without Marriage & Children

True Life Story: My Success Is Incomplete Without Marriage & Children

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True Life Story: My Success Is Incomplete Without Marriage & Children

Hello Lively Stones,

I am a member of this platform for 2 years now. I benefit a lot from the stories and advise shared on the platform. I am going to be 39 years old in October this year and I am still single. Unfortunately, my relationships have not led to marriage. My longest relationship lasted 3 years and that was about five years ago. Since then, its in and out of relationships. To many issues, either I find out the guy has another girlfriend or he is married or he is after my money.

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At 38, I have done well for myself. I have bought my own house, I have 2 cars, built a house for my parents and bought each of them a car. I earn very well in oil and gas sector.. I am also at the top of my career, thanks be to God. I have heard some people say the reason that I am not married is because I am too successful, that men are intimidated by my success. I really don’t know how true that is, because, I humbled myself in my last two relationships and it ended in abuse.

Just to make sure the man is not feeling intimidated, I did things like, I washed their clothes, cooked for them, gave out my ATM card, just to show humility but these men ended up abusing me, taking my money and still cheated on me. For the last one year, I have been single. I am tired. Getting to age 40 scares me. I do not want to be single. Now, I am thinking of just having a child to keep me company but my parents are against that. They do not want a child out of wedlock.

ALSO READ: True Life Story: How I Rushed Into Marriage Without Considering My Emotional Needs

The issue now is this: I have an ex boyfriend, who lives in the Germany. This guy comes around 2 or 3 times in a year to Naija. Anytime he is around, he calls me and we hook up. He always used to tell me he still loves me but he has a baby mama in Germany. He is hoping to get residency being with her for a while so he does not want to jeopardize his chances. He came around last month and asked me to come over but this time, I did not want to come cos I was tired of just hooking up with someone who does not want to marry me.

That really bothered him and he has been chatting with me since he got back. He has proposed a secret marriage if I like. But it MUST be secret because his partner must not find out. I must not post anything about the marriage on social media and I must not tell anyone. I told him ok, that I want to have a child too from a legal marriage. We agreed but when I told my parents, they kicked against it.

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Now, I know my parents want to celebrate their daughter being married, they do not want me to marry someone who is also married to a German woman. What my parents don’t get it,I am getting to 40 years. Time has past…time is not on my side. Are they happy that I have not gotten married yet? What is so wrong with marrying someone and keeping it a secret? After all, there will be a private traditional wedding which is legal in the Nigerian legal system?

My father has said over his dead body. I am frustrated. I love my dad and I do not want to disappoint him but this is my life…why can’t he just be happy for me? This may not be his dream for me…not the way for any parent to see their daughter marry but things are not normal for me. I mean, if I am to have a child inside a marriage which they insist, why can’t they allow me marry this man? Why will he not allow me have a private or secret marriage? Is it the marriage of other people or mine?

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ALSO READ: I Broke Up With My Ex Boyfriend But I Still Share Him With Another Woman

I think my parents are being insensitive and unfair. I want to go ahead without their blessing. Someone said I should never marry without my parents blessings, that it will have a repercussion but I am hoping my parents will come around to accept my marriage. What do you think please? I need your advise.

What do you think I should do….I am not a small girl…I am an adult almost 40 years for god’s sake…what will happen if I go on without my parents blessing? I am already successful…I just need to be married and have a child and my life will be complete…why should my parents deny me that? If I let this opportunity go, what if I never find someone who wants to marry a 40 year old or like they say…who wants to marry a woman who probably intimidates them with her success?

My parents say they are not pressuring me to marry but they are getting old…when they die…who will I have? My siblings all have their families and me, am all alone. I do not even attend family gatherings anymore cos I feel left out when everyone comes with their spouses and children. Its becoming too much to pretend to be content when I am truly not content. I need this…my parents cannot deny me this.

Please I am confused…what should I do?

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

7 COMMENTS

  1. Your EX is not proud of you,he has chosen the German lady over you,it is as though you are at his mercy.

    Marrying him is as though you are still single and without a husband, marrying him also means you are gonna have a child out of wedlock even though he is gonna marry you traditionally but in secret.

    Why are you desperate? Why do you want to cause yourself more harm than good? Why the rush? Even @40 you are still a small girl,so respect your parents and listen to them.

    Why are you faster than your God? Anyways ,I’m not here to preach to you,just do the right thing by waiting for your husband,if you marry that man,you will definitely cheat on him,he will be spending most of his time with the German woman,so what is the need? Why marry in secret? Please you have to respect, honour your parents,so that thy days will be long,you need their blessings,or do you want to suffer in marriage? Yes you might say I have it all,what is this person talking about but my sister you gas dey calm down oooo,many people married when they were above 40, relax and do the needful.

    Just keep praying and God will bring your man, package well,always smile but not anyhow,there are some places you mustn’t use your car,be a simple lady.

    God bless you nne,your wedding shall take place soon,you hear,I understand but please calm down .

  2. My dear, I know it’s not easy for a lady at your age to be single.
    I see that you have been trying to get a man by yourself, looking and choosing by yourself. Do you believe in God? If you do, am sure you know he has someone created specially for YOU. Why don’t you allow God to do the work for you?
    Cast this burden on Him, believe He will give you a husband, go about your life cheerfully, live simply, get busy with something that will occupy your mind positively and happily.
    Don’t go back to your ex and conduct a secret wedding. You will regret it. You are too good to be treated like that. You deserve a man who will be proud to show you off, and your wedding is supposed to be celebrated in such a way that, ladies in your shoes will see it and believe God for their own time to come.
    Listen to your parents. Marriage is an institution that parental consent is very important. Without it, you will regret. It’s a spiritual thing.
    I pray God gives you the courage and grace to endure as a single and enjoy your marriage with the right man, than entering into a marriage you will endure for the rest of your life.
    God bless you.

  3. Hello poster,

    I am sorry for your troubles, and i know it must have taken you a lot of courage to tell your story. All hope is not lost, you will eventually get the right man. Have you tried dating sites and articulate your age as well as expectations? It may help…especially if you focus on men of the same age bracket.

    You can contact me for more info via kaliumchimezie15@gmail.com;

    But remember, marriage with parental consent is key, and staying till you are almost 40 seems to be a waste of time …only for you to lower standards because of desperation.

    Wishing you the best.

  4. You’re better off a single mother than ending up with that ex of yours. And you are honestly too old to be waiting on your parents decision to move your life.

  5. Dear Poster,
    Don’t go into marriage with a man without proper approval. The arrangement and conditions with this guy already has k-leg, you ll now jump into it without proper noding? haa, Please!
    Marriage is not an end, there are several things that defines a woman and God has blessed you with some thus seek how to add values even outside the confines of marriage.
    Theres more to marriage than companionship and having children biologically.We ve had persons going in to marriage and unable to conceive. so, if theres, anything you want to take up, it should be discussion with whoever you are marrying as regards child bearing. Which means both of you should talk about it, your age and options available aside natural conception. you both should be open- minded and be ready to work together, agree ahead on whatever you may meet in your journey.

    But i dont see this German man as worth you. please, wait just a little more or look elsewhere. Don’t mind age so you dont make mistakes.

    Above all, start praying if you have not been doing that and please wait for your parents consent. its veryyy important .
    God bless you.

  6. My dear,I understand with you. But at this point, the probability of you finding any single young man is low. He will be either a widower or divorcee. So I will advise you have a child and remain single till whenever you find a man because any serious man you will find now at your age will be someone that has children or a child already so it’s better you have yours now than to go into marriage and start struggling with low fertility, menopause or birth abnormalities . So until God visits you maritally, please have your own child but not as a Nigerian wife except you wish that for yourself. God will bless you with your own husband in due season.

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