Whether it’s part of foreplay or the main event, fingering can be super pleasurable for people with a vulva—as long as it’s done well. Bad digital stimulation isn’t just a huge turn-off; it can also be incredibly painful! Fortunately, if you study up on vulva anatomy and communicate with your partner, you can improve your fingering technique.
First, let’s get clear on what exactly fingering is. “Fingering” can refer to any form of digital stimulation in or on a partner’s genitals, but when most people talk about “fingering,” they’re referring to digital vaginal stimulation. There are plenty of ways you can stimulate a partner’s vagina, but according to sex educator Tuck Malloy, fingers are your best tools.
“Many of us have more control over how to use our fingers than a toy or penis,” Malloy explains. “They are full of nerve endings, which makes them very good at feeling where things are and touching [vulvas] in specific ways.”
Every vulva is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all method when it comes to fingering. Still, there are a few universal pointers that could help you literally take your partner’s pleasure into your own hands.
As sex educator Luna Matatas says, “Fingers are the sex toys we always have on us.” So put them to use! Here’s how to get better at fingering.
Know Where You’re Going
Let’s start with a brief anatomy lesson. The vulva is made up of the pubic mound, the inner labia, the outer labia, the clitoris, the vaginal opening, and the perineum. These areas are all sensitive to touch, but there are a couple of pleasure centers that respond particularly well to digital stimulation: the clitoris and the G-spot.
The clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings, which is roughly double the number in a penis, and it’s probably larger than you think. Most people are familiar with the tiny nub at the top of the vulva (that’s the clitoral glans), but most of the clitoris is actually underneath the skin. The full structure runs along the sides of the vulva and extends up to five inches inside the body. You can stimulate the clitoris externally by stroking the glans or by gently pressing against the vulva, or you can stimulate it from inside the vagina by finding the G-spot.
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According to a 2022 editorial published in the Sexual Medicine Reviews Journal, the G-spot is a pleasure center where five different structures meet: the clitoral crura; the clitoral bulb; the peri-urethral glands; the urethra; and the anterior vaginal wall. This area is about two inches inside the vagina on the front of the vaginal wall. You can find your partner’s G-spot by inserting one or two fingers when your partner is aroused and curling them towards the front of your partner’s body. If you feel a bump or a spongy texture, you’re in the right place!
The clitoris and the G-spot are the most well-known pleasure centers for vulva owners, but each person’s body is unique. Your partner might respond best to deep penetration, indirect clitoral stimulation, nipple stimulation, or something else. The best way to find their sweet spots is to pay attention to their physical and verbal cues.
Now that you know your way around your partner’s vulva and vagina, you’re ready to start fingering!
Clean Up
No one wants your Dorito dust in their vagina! Before you start fingering your partner, wash your hands. “The vagina has its own bacterial ecosystem,” Matatas explains. “We want to reduce external bacteria the best we can.” Make sure your nails are trimmed and filed to avoid causing cuts or abrasions.
Ask Your Partner What They Like
“It’s always beneficial to start a sexual encounter with a check-in about any specific desires or limitations,” Malloy says. Even in the context of a long-term relationship, your partner’s body might crave different sensations on different days.
Don’t forget to maintain communication during sex, too. “Affirm that feedback is great, and show your enthusiasm for getting to discover how their body is going to respond,” Matatas says.
This is also a great time to check in with your partner about safer sex practices. If fingering is the only sex act on the menu, the risk of spreading or contracting an STI is low, but it’s not zero. If you have multiple partners, if one of you lives with a chronic STI, or if it’s been a while since either of you has been tested for STIs, wearing latex or nitrile gloves will ensure the safest possible fingering experience.
Warm Up
Going right for your partner’s clitoris or vagina might be a turn-off. “Lots of people find this to be a bit of a shock to their system,” Malloy says. Take some time to kiss and caress your partner before you get down to business. The more turned on your partner gets, the more sensitive their vulva will be.
Use Lube
If your partner is a life-long vulva-owner, then their vagina might get moist when they’re turned on, but a little extra lubrication might make fingering more comfortable. “Lube inside and outside can reduce friction, which reduces stress on the vulva skin and vaginal tissue,” Matatas says.
A 2011 study found that in addition to making penetration easier, using lube actually enhances sexual pleasure for vulva-owners. Just make sure to check in with your partner about their lube preferences and allergies to specific ingredients before you lube up.
Remember that if your partner needs lubrication, it doesn’t mean they’re turned off by you or by the sex you’re having together. Medication, hormonal imbalances, menopause, stress, and dehydration can all decrease the vagina’s natural lubrication, and vulva-owners who have had gender confirmation surgery might produce very little lubrication or none at all. Plus, people with tight pelvic floor muscles or vaginal scar tissue might find that penetration is painful without additional lube. Some bodies just need a little help to slip n’ slide, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
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Start Slow
Before you dip into your partner’s vagina, focus on their clitoris and vulva. Of course, you can use your mouth if your partner enjoys oral sex, but your fingers might offer a little more versatility.
“Fingers are nimble—you can get into crevices, like the sides of the clitoris and labia, and you can adjust pressure and speed really easily,” Matatas says.
Gently stroke your partner’s labia, run a finger in circles around their clitoris, or provide direct clitoral stimulation if your partner wants a more intense sensation. You can also let your part grind against your palm or thigh to engage the crura, or the “legs” of the clitoris, which run along both sides of the vulva.
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