Hello ma,
Please I need your advise and those of the group. I got married to the love of my life. We dated for two years. A very good christian guy. Our marriage is going to be 3 years soon,we have a son of 18 months but I have a problem.
When we got married,my husband used to complain that he noticed that I do not moan during s*x. He also wants me to talk dirty and say all kinds of vulgar words like : f*ck,slut,whore,,,,etc. I was like,its not a big deal jhor. That everyone must not moan or talk dirty during s*x.
At that time,he kind of left me after he saw I was not into all that expressiveness in s*x. However, I realized that he is heavily dependent on watching porn that the porn stars talk dirty and moan like crazy. I was really unhappy about this.
When I talked to him about it,he told me that moaning and talking trash turns him on.So,I decided to fake moaning if that would help. To be honest,I really do not feel comfortable when I moan like a whore or talk trash but he likes it ..he will be telling me to scream,not even minding that people will hear us.
All these I have been doing to help him stop watching porn. Its so bad that one day,my mother who came to visit one weekend called me aside and said you was being too loud. I couldn’t explain to her why I was doing that.
The issue now is: my husband has said he wants to us to do BDSM. I was like :you are joking.He wants us to tie me up and use handcuffs and do all sorts especially during this lock down. To pretend to moan and talk trash is one thing,to be tied up and slapped during s*x is another thing.
This is making me think my husband has a s*x addiction. Am I wrong? Of course I refused BDSM and he gets it through watching porn. I cant kill myself just to please a man. I am just so worried about the effect of this on him and our marriage.
Is my husband an addict? Is BDSM a normal thing? Are there normal couples who engage in BDSM…please advise me…what can I do? I need advise.
Anonymous Post
Photo Credit:Esquire
Hello,
There are certain conversations that couples should have before marriage. Apparently, this is one of those conversations that you and your husband should have had but didnt.
Well….two things: your husband is a pron dependent and he loves kinky s*x.
Both does not have anything to do with you. He is only trying to get you involved in his habits.
And you cannot fully help him by trying to compromise when you know you are not happy about this.
What you should do is encourage him to see a professional psychologist or therapist and also pray for him.
There is nothing wrong with adding a little spice in marriage once in a while. Infact, its recommended to have some freaky something in marriage.
However,if one person’s freaky is uncomfortable for the other,then there is a problem. I see you have tried to compromise on some of his requests. That is good.
BDSM is an extreme act for some people and it actually can turn off some people but its really a turn up for some.
But you can both agree to limit yourselves to the non extreme part of BDSM…you can limit yourself to only areas of it that you are comfortable with. For example..the use of blind folds…that is not dangerous…it helps bring excitement and fun in the act and hurts no one.
Unlike using of the whip or choking or even whipping or tying up that I think you are scared of.
Your husband needs to get help so he can understand the boundaries to have with chasing his s*xual fantasies. If it involves hurting his wife…and making you uncomfortable…that is not good.
If it does not hurt…as his wife….please be comfortable to try it with him …ok?
Too much of everything is bad. A little here and there is safe.
First let him deal with his addiction on porn so he can know how to control himself before he can have a safe and healthy s*xual life with his wife.
Patience. support and soft approach is how you help him. Do not condemn him…just help him see the steps he needs to follow.
There has to be a clear definition of healthy s*xual practice in marriage…it has to be comfortable for both husband and wife….
And if after deliberation,one person still feels uncomfortable..such an idea should be dropped.
There is more to life and happy marriages. Friendship and empathy and kindness is more.
I hope you both get the help you need.
Cheers.
Meaning of BDSM please…..
BDSM is a term most often used to describe a range of s*xual activities, but it’s also an approach to s*x and s*x play. Examples of BDSM might be using a pair of stockings to tie your partner to a bedpost during s*x and elaborate scenarios of dominance and submission that include role play, costumes, and days of preparation.
There’s nothing to be afraid of, you will certainly overcome this. Jzhane, as given you a powerful advice which I believe is the right counsel that will help you.
My little contribution is to help you see what you are confronted with as a result of his porn addiction. This is a spiritual issue which must be confronted spiritually, and that is where you come in. You have to be strong for both of you spiritually, and this is before you invite a third party in to help, if that will be necessary. Porn movies are not just ordinary they are demonically inspired and when one becomes addicted a spirit become involved. And even at that there is nothing to be afraid of when you are a born again child of God.
Listen, every challenge comes to strengthen us not to break us up.. There is a greater blessing after this tunnel that God intend to give your family than you can see but it take a wise woman to navigate through the current storm, because two are better than one, for they have a good reward for their Labour, if one falls the other shall lift him up. This is the time your husband needs you and God need you to stand strong beside him and for him. Your victory over this battle will come by you turning over to Christ, making him Lord over your life. Secondly, you need to grow in God’s power that you got when you became a born again child of God, through a consistent prayer and fasting life style, why? Because this kind of battle confronting you forth not but by prayers and fasting. Having done both, pls stay in obedience, and that includes your husband excesses. You have to be obedient to him, as you stay obedient to God, praying & fasting. 2 Corinthians 10:6. I will be available if you need my help and assistance. Bless you. Your victory is sure!
you came out for solution and you will find it in jesus name, you can find scriptures that are against it, the man is after lust not love, AS A CHILD OF GOD you are not a whoredom or harlot , pray hard and he will change , AVOID THOSE ACT OR ELSE YOU WIL DEFILES YOURSELF BEFOR GOD , the man need deliverance, if you allow him to influence you with the act, the he will soon ask you to suck him under the control of the devil which is abormination to God Almighty, dear pray well this Is War Befor You, you Will Surely Win The Battle in Jesus Name.
I don’t think it’s a spiritual problem
As you have come to find out. Discuss with him what and what you can’t do. All these could have been done during courtship. Tell him you would help him out to let go of the addiction