Help I Am Addicted To Fine And Handsome Men-What Is Happening To Me?
Please I need the help of a counsellor or Therapist. I think I need help. Please hide my details. My name is Nkoyo (not real name). I have an issue with my fiancé who has been nothing but kind and caring to me. I might loose our almost three years relationship, please help me. Please do not judge me, no insults too, I just need help.
My issue is this: I love fine and handsome men. Right from teenager age. I always found myself attracted and even addicted to fine, s*xy men. The guy does not even need to be in a relationship with me, if he fine guy, especially tall and dark guys just smile at me, I will just finish.
Once I sight such a man, I will do anything in my power to sleep with that guy. And if the guy can f*ck well, I will do anything. Except the guy does not want me or he is not easily swayed…I can even fight the guy’s girlfriend or wife if he has one. I don’t know how I became like this. Even if the guy does not have money or is not spending on me, I don’t care. I just become addicted.
This problem has been with me for many years and that is why I have never been in a stable relationship for years because, I end up cheating once I come across a more finer and s*xier lover. I grow weak in my knees. I loose all sense of judgement. To tell you how bad things are, I even slept with my sister’s husband but she does not know till today. The poor man tries all his best to avoid me at family functions cos my seduction skills are mad o.
Like I said, I have never been in a relationship for longer than 6 or 8 months. The thing…the konji has ruined my life. Until I met my fiancé. My fiancé is a fine ass man o. I met him in a birthday party three years ago. We were introduced and like someone out on a hunt, I put on my best seduction game but this guy no gree. He completely ignored me. So, I boned (forgot about )him.
However, as God will have it, after my friend’s birthday, she posted pictures from the birthday and tagged her friends who were in the pictures. She tagged that guy and me. I went through the guy’s photos, I liked him but I already tried once, since he didn’t seem interested, I moved.
What I then noticed was that he began to like my pictures on social media. That caught my attention so I slid into his DM. We began to chat and before we knew it, we became very close. He seemed like a good guy, always respectful. When I try to flirt with him, he tells me to slow down, that he does not get into a relationship if it will not lead to marriage.
I told him I cannot maintain a relationship cos I have a weakness for fine men. He laughed and though I was joking. As time went on, he realized I was truly addicted and he told me that he likes me but he also wants me to stop my lifestyle and try my best to be in a stable relationship. I realized I needed someone like him to help me get some stability and discipline if I can ever make it.
So we started as friends. We would do everything but not have s*x. Even when I tried…I sent him nu-d-es…grabbed his junk…he would just tell me, relax…you can be better…you deserve better. In fact, me I thought he was gay but I saw pictures of him and his ex so I knew he was not gay.
After dating for like 7 months without s*x, I cried cos I have never done that in my life. In fact, I got off social media and avoided some contacts so I can stay on track for one year. I thanked him for believing in me and helping me stay sober. Exactly a year of dating without s*x, he took me to a romantic get away and after everything he made love to me…I almost went crazy…I was in love…I have a fine handsome caring s8xy beautiful man.
I told him I want to marry him there and there cos I have never seen anyone like him. He was so good to me and I did not want to slip again…I need someone like him to keep me on track all the time. He said yes we will get married but I need to give him time cos he knows I also need time to be better.
And that is how we have been dating for almost three years. He proposed to me in November last year actually. Our plan is to get married in November this year. All was going well until two months ago. I was at naming ceremony of a friend’s baby. I never expected this to happen to me cos its been almost three years of being sober. But I met a very handsome guy …and everything fell apart.
Till now, I don’t know what happened cos he is not the first handsome guy I seen since I been with my fiancé but soon as I saw him …that feeling of weakness came on me. My mind kept telling me to run out of the place but I stayed glued to my seat. To make matters worse, this guy came unto me and the minute he said hi…I knew the battle was lost.
The guy saw fear in me…like I was stammering …I told him I have a boyfriend and he said its ok…he just wants to kiss me and finger me. And like a zombie, I followed him to the toilet and he began to kiss and finger me and I was drowning. I began to cry cos I was just thinking about my fiancé…that instant, I stopped and told the guy…I do not want to continue…I pushed him away and ran out of there as fast as my legs can carry me.
The guilt of what happened almost killed me. And I knew for me to be free of the guilt, I had to confess to my fiancé. And I did…I cried and begged him not to judge me cos I failed for the first time in our relationship. But he was so mad….he said its obvious I cannot be stable…that I am a lost case and will forever be. He stormed out.
I cried myself to almost giving up. I could not breather…I sent him a voice note that I could not breathe and I might kill myself if he does not forgive me and give me a chance to prove I can do better…I called everyone I knew to beg…even though I didn’t tell them what I did…I begged for 2 weeks before he came back and forgave me.
I promised him with my life to stay on track and I thought things would be normal again but they have never been and perhaps will never be. Since that incident, anytime I go out alone or close late from work, my fiancé starts calling and getting all angry and shouting. If I don’t pick his call, he shouts…soon as I get home, its shouting.
For the last six weeks, I am seeing a different person. He is always so suspicious of me now. Asking me where are you…why are you late, who did you talk to…I cried and told him like he does not trust me again and he said he is trying to help me not to fall off the wagon again. So he monitors my every movement. Its becoming annoying and embarrassing and abusive and I do not know what to do.
I fear even the thought of marrying him but I know he is the best man for me cos without him, I would be back to square one …f*cking every fine niga that comes my way. I need help. How do I deal with this new character of my fiancé…is this how marriage to him will be like? I am scared…I can’t do this anymore…I know I caused him to loose trust in me but is this the real man I love?
I made a mistake but he knows me for three years …is he going to judge me by one mistake for rest of our lives together? And how do I cope with all these shouting and abusive behavior? I need advise very urgently.
Sorry for the long message but please help me…thank you
Anonymous
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Firstly, I’ll say you have low self esteem.
Feeling weak because of handsomeness is a big deal. Everyone likes a fine thing but yours, I am sure is very abnormal.
I noticed you didn’t mention God which means you definitely do not have a relationship with Him and I’ll advise you do so. Start a relationship with God and focus on growing it.
You could also see a therapist in addition.
For now, I think you should definitely pause your marriage plans. Your Fiance will just get worse because he no longer trusts you and you will end up with not just a verbally and emotionally abusive man but physically too.
Take a break and walk on yourself. Make up your mind intentionally that you are going to get better.
Be the best version of yourself before accommodating anyone else or it’ll all just fall apart time and time again.
God loves and wants to be with you.
I pray you return His call. God bless you
Warm Hug from me to you dear poster.
Know this- your Fiance is human, do not judge him, anyone could have behaved worse than that and perhaps he wishes you well according to your narration.
Truely, u need d help of a good and Godly counselor.
If you are a Christian, try to speak with a Genuine and Matured Man of God not necessarily in the assembly you worship (so u wud be able to open up freely).
You need someone to seriously pray with you.
It is well with you.
I speak peace to that storm in Jesus name.
Hi babe! You indeed want to change! I admire your courage for that! I read through and I discovered that you might be a Christian by professing it but not by heart! Acknowledging your shortcomings is good but without the conviction of the HolySpirit, you’re back to square one! Ask the Holy Spirit to help you overcome this sin! You were unknowingly initiated into S.e.xual immortality thinking it’s normal, it’s not normal neither will any counseling session do anything for you in this case! Only Jesus Christ can! Suspend the plan for marriage now. You’re blessed
To me Sha
The dude isn’t at fault here at all
Na Wall wey fall nai make goat cross am pass
The lady is the Genesis of this whole messy situation.
If she had conquered her weaknesses (though we all have our weaknesses ed) all these unnecessary palaver wouldn’t have popped up
The guy isn’t overreacting he’s only guarding his treasured lady with all due diligence
The young sisi should just calm down and stop nagging as this is only a bend not an end
Stay patient with fiance and work more on becoming a better version of you.
If that is the prize you’ve to pay to have this Mr. Sassy and charming all to yourself kindly do and have peace and happiness within you.
Cheers to a better and fruitful living ahead
You need to get external help, professional help. Your boyfriend bus trying to help you in his own way, but he is not a professional plus you are emotional attached so it will make it more difficult. Seek help from a professional. I am sure your boyfriend will definitely support you through out the process and it will also give him more confidence in your recovery process. As per his attitude, just bare a little long, that is his own way of protecting you. When you start therapy sessions I am sure he will be a bit more relaxed.
Take the first step and let it be about you being a better person for yourself.
Let God guide you.
I kind of understand to some extent what you are going through n have gone through but seriously, everything happens for a purpose and all I can see written all over your life thus far is that God is calling out for you and you replaced him with a man and cos he is a man and not God, he has to act the way he did and really who won’t but my dear, you don’t need marriage or anything other things for now not even a therapist. All you need is God, I can see the tapestry of destiny playing our in your life and mind me saying this started out a long time ago even before you could realize it, the devil planted that seed to destroy you but God is the only one that can turn that around and make you a masterpiece, also I believe your story after God’s transformation is complete will be a tool to impact and change many destinies in the hand of God. He loves you beyond what any man can. Romans 5:8, read n pray with it.
I pray you listen and follow the advices of those that asked you to commit everything into God’s hands. Cos that’s the only solution for you. Apart from deliverance, you need a personal relationship with God. With salvation and acceptance of Christ into your life, comes love of God brought out by the Holy Spirit. That love will make you to fear God to be able to avoid falling back into your weaknesses. He will heal you and restore your weak mind into a stronger one.
Therapy will definitely work too but just like the way you failed after 3years of being sober, you will eventually fail whatever you might have learnt from the therapy sessions as handsome guys will never stop existing in this world. The beautiful ones are not yet born.
Only Jesus saves. With the help of the Holy Spirit, you get the ability to know all truth and be able to withstand going back into your sins recurrently. When you make God your first love, instead of feeling guilty to ask for forgiveness from man (who will start showing you attitude after forgiving you), it will be God you will be asking for forgiveness from as per your new first love and He will forever be merciful as long as you seek Him with a sincere heart. Then when you keep making God proud, the right man will definitely come along too and consummate the whole thing. Matt 6:33.
May God give you the heart to listen and discern. Be blessed.