Marriage Has Brought Me Nothing But Shame & Pain- Is This Worth Fighting For?
Hi lively stones,
Since this is a judgement free zone, permit me to unburden myself. I got married in February this year and I need counsel because I am facing an internal emotional battle. I am so afraid to confide in anyone around me because I fear being judged or called a slut or being told that I am not fighting for my marriage.
Yes, its too early to be having having marital issues but what if your mind keeps telling you that the marriage was a mistake? Isn’t it better to quit before its too late, after you must have had children and start feeling like you have to stay in the marriage for the children’s sake…therefore jeopardizing your own happiness?
This is not my idea of happily ever after. Or am I being paranoid….will things really get better in future? Yes,…I want to fight for my marriage but what exactly am I fighting for? Is it even worth fighting for? Let me try and summarize my story.
So, I met my husband after I broke up with my ex over something very I regret everyday. So, my ex and I were in a very loving relationship. We dated for two years. I really never loved anyone like I did him. He was the love of my life. But what happened was unfortunate. He got a job offer in Saudi Arabia. (He is a medical doctor)
To me, I felt that was too far and the country is not my kind of place to settle down since we were planning to settle down in a year or so. But he kept complaining that he was not getting value working here in Nigeria as a doctor. We planned for him to try and get to UK or Canada but the money involved was much plus…he was rejected visa twice to the UK. He was desperate and when Saudi Arabia came, he wanted to take it.
We quarreled about it and he felt I was not being supportive and stubbornly broke up with me. I was heartbroken. That was when I made the terrible mistake of quickly accepting to date someone that has been disturbing me in my DM for a while: he is now my current husband. My husband was a toaster just in my DMs at the time but when my boyfriend broke up with me, I responded to his advances just to get over my boyfriend.
My husband wasted no time in pursing me. He splashed money over me. By this time, my boyfriend had gotten his papers and relocated to Saudi. I accepted a marriage proposal from my current husband in 4 months of dating. Did I see the red flags, yes but I did not mind …I was 30 years old and determined to marry cos of the general belief that its hard to find someone to marry once you turn 30.
Now, the red flags I saw seemed like normal for someone like my husband: he had money…women usually flocked around him. I had to accept that fact. Well, as long as I was the only one he would make his wife. Yes, I quarreled about his side chicks but he always apologized and said he would change. I was told that I should focus on whats important cos any girl would do anything to want my husband.
We started planning our marriage. And then, my ex started to beg me to come back. I was like…what? But you broke up with me. He said he was sorry and made a big mistake. I was still hurt so I told him its too late… am engaged and getting married. My ex kept pleading everyday …we chatted everyday…I began to realize that I was still madly in love with him. But I felt I have gone too far with my wedding planning.
Nine months after broke up with my ex…he got a job offer at a very high bro hospital in Lekki. The offer would pay him really well and my ex quit his Saudi Arabia job and came back home. The sad part was…my wedding was the next weekend. I was going into a marriage I was not sure of because I was too afraid to call it off.
On Wednesday of the week to my wedding, one of my friends who has been planning my wedding with me came was at my house. We were putting finishing touches to stuff…talking to wedding planner together, caterer…etc. My tailor for my traditional outfit called about last minute adjustments…she needed my measurements and to avoid delays…I quickly hoped on a bike to see the Tailor.
In less than 30mins I was on my way back to my apartment. I got back and noticed my husband (then my fiancé was around) his car was packed outside. I don’t know why but my instinct made me not to take the front door. I knew my friend was inside the house so she must have opened the door for my fiancé. But why didn’t she call to tell me he was around?
So I took the back door, went straight quietly to my living room and boom…caught my friend bent over and my husband was f*cking her from behind. You know the way your mind tells you…I knew it? Cos this friend of mine was the type that was always telling me how lucky I am…how that I should ignore the red flags and focus on what’s important…a financially secure future with a man so rich as my husband.
What I did not bargain was that she too was going to be sharing him with me. I was not expecting this…in my own house? Both of them looked so stupid. My friend…well …now my enemy took a walk of shame and left. My husband to be was looking at me like a big fool…like a dog that he was…I just cried and cried and he didnt even try to comfort me…he just mouth a lousy sorry.
Well, I threw his ring at him and told him to get lost. In minutes,everyone was calling me telling me to calm down…not to break up…bla bla bla…that my wedding is just three days time. My head was spinning…I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I did the only thing I thought I needed was someone to comfort me, someone who loved me and would know my value…so I called my ex…and started crying on the phone.
My ex listened to me crying and said Bimbo (not my real name)…start coming. He sent his address to me ..I got an Uber…and sent straight to his house. I cried and cried in his arms. He kept on apologizing for breaking up with me and making me choose such a jerk for a husband. We both wanted it and we made love…again and again.
I spent the night in his place…I switched on my phone next morning and reality hit. Everyone was looking for me. My mother sent crying voice notes. My fiance sent several messages of apologies. My heart was telling me to run away but my head told me to forgive my fiance …so my friend does not seem like she won.
My ex went to work leaving me behind…I left to my apartment. My mother and sister were there waiting for me. Next thing, my fiance came and started making a story about how my friend had been seducing him and he was truly sorry. Na so, I forgave him. And married him two days later.
My I blocked my ex cos I did not want my heart to go back to him. I convinced myself that we can never be together. It was too late. Now, I am married and hubby has won…he has not stopped seeing my friend. Now, he does not even hide it too much. We quarrel everyday. Everyone is telling me to pray and focus on having a baby so that I will not be too engrossed with my husband’s philandering life.
Well, I been trying for a baby but I think that will be impossible cos I am not at peace with my husband. How will a baby be conceived in this kind of environment? I confronted my friend, begged her to leave him alone…if nothing for the fact that she used to be my friend…she told me to my face that if I am not careful, she is coming in as second wife soon. She is doing everything to get pregnant before me and she knows my husband will marry her if she gets pregnant or make her a permanent baby mama.
I felt like killing my friend (ladies be careful who you call friend…especially if you are dating a rich guy). She even accused me of being a naïve fool…for always quarrelling with my husband and pushing him further away to other women and men. You may say why am I surprised after all I saw the red flags…what I did not bargain was that he would be rubbishing me like this…I feel like a laughing stock…my husband and my friend…and maybe the fact that he is gay and people know about it?
I was like: other women and men? I asked her what she meant by men…I know he is a flirt but what has men go to do with this too? Is my husband bis*xual?…I have been trying to find out if my husband is truly into men too. I asked him and he told me to stop worrying about finding out cos if I continue…I will might find what I am not looking for?
What is the meaning of all these? I know I signed up for an unfaithful man but not this kind of situation…I am slipping into depression when I think of the fact that I left a good man for this wicked man…I think I better damn what ever the consequences may be and get out of this marriage…money is not everything. Yes…I am very comfortable but why should I stay with comfort that does not care about me…someone who is busy disgracing me with my own friend? Someone who is probably gay too?
Now, tell me…why should I not leave now…its less six months of marriage and all I can show for it is nothing but regret and sadness. I unblocked my ex and we got talking again…he is upset with me for marrying someone else after he begged me not to when I caught him cheating with my friend. But he said…if I am serious about getting back…then I need to prove it to him…
The only way I can prove to him that I am serious is by leaving right?…Now tell me…how does fighting for my marriage seem to look right now? Is there anything to fight for? Or is this not enough to call it quit? I am going through so much emotionally. I cant take it anymore.Please advise me.
Anonymous
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Please leave that marriage and go back to your ex,won’t say more than that. For your mental,emotional and spiritual life please leave that man alone. He doesn’t deserve to be called a husband how much more a father to your children. Your friend can go diabolical with the way things are going ooo,threatening that she will soon become a second wife, huh. Run oooo,marriage is not by force oooo. Your husband will never change as long as the money is there,so do not waste your time any further trying to pray,or to be patient with him,he doesn’t deserve you at all. Peace be unto you
I don’t normally comment but I have to comment on this one bcos I really feel sorry for the lady.
Dear OP, you have to be strong. You were weak initially when you allowed yourself to be begged back into the relationship after catching your husband with your friend the first time. This time around, be strong and seek for divorce. Since your husband is no longer feeling remorseful or shameful about his S.e.xual excapades outside, then you will never no peace in that marriage. Take note of that point and know peace.
Move on now before it gets too late. The longer you stay the harder it becomes for you. There is too much red flag right now in the marriage and it will keep getting worse especially once children enter into the equation. Seek happiness and leave the marriage.
Seek for divorce. Even bible supports it. Your partner is very unfaithful, so therefore you are free to seek for divorce. If your own family won’t support it, make sure your ex stays strong with you and support you throughout the whole divorce process. Don’t let pity (or thoughts about what people will say about you) make you feel weak. Pls choose happiness now, once and for all.
I wish you the very best in life with your ex. It is well.
Why In the first place did u agree to marry him when u saw all the signs, ur only option is to divorce him but your marriage is too young for that, he won’t be a responsible father so there’s no need having kids for him, leave so your friend can get married to him, he will still cheat on her with someone else. take care of your mental health, it is well…
My sister all those saying divorce him, don’t take their advise, first forget your ex, do you know what marriage is actually. Let me be honest with you, you need to first forget your ex, I mean completely forget him, block him in all areas. That lady you called your friend is not your friend and probably was never your friend, she even had the guts to say to your face that she will be second wife….what effrontery, she is a VERY DANGEROUS LADY, beware of her, if you are not ready to forget your ex, I don’t think you will be personally happy, this is what i mean. Firstly, your happiness is in your hands not your ex or your husband but your hands, I always tell people that always, the thing is you cant trust people, if I told you your friend was sleeping with your hubby even before you married, you would have said, no I trust her, but you caught her red handed, so PLS DO NOT TRUST ANYONE, love people but DO NOT TRUST THEM, people will disappoint you, they only say trust people cos its a cliche, even the Bible says in several verses not to trust human beings, so I wonder where people got that idea of trusting people. Sister, you can’t be depressed, speak good words to yourself, look into the mirror and see how beautiful you are, if you decide to be Happy, you will be happy sister, its a choice, as for your hubby, you know what, leave him and his adultery, he is setting himself for destruction, don’t accuse him, don’t insult him, be kind to him, I know its easier said than done, just choose to be happy, do exercise in the morning, speak good words to yourself, PLS GO GO FOR MEDICAL TEST, to know if he hasnt given you any diseases, which may be the reason you haven’t been able to get pregnant, pls go do test quickly, even with the whole gay thing you suspect he is into, PLS GO DO TEST SISTER. So I conclude, forget your ex completely, be careful of that your so called friend, don’t disturb your hubby, be good and kind to him, in no time, you will see your happiness will be from you, that you won’t even be bothered what he does, which doesn’t mean you dont love but you are just being happy all from and for yourself. But note this, he can divorce you anytime, so be alert and ready incase this happens, don’t be surprised, let family members know all that happened, just few ones like, his parents and yours too, with your siblings. GOD bless you sister, you will be fine, you will be fine. BE HAPPY, you have the power to be, choose to be happy.
Leave everything to God and relieve your mind from what u saw let him continue sleeping with that girl but don’t give up stay in your official home, never feel the pains and find something to do that that things will get well to your
My dear leave that community pe*is you call a husband before he infects you with AIDS