True Life Story: A Therapist View-P*rn Is Okay For Married People, Do You Agree?
Hi Lively Stones,
Please help me look into this matter. I specifically brought this matter to lively stones because I have been following you for a while and I feel comfortable about the advice from here. I am usually not a suspicious kind of person, I am also by the grace of God a born again Christian. I live simply because I do not want any trouble. My wife and I got married 4 years ago. She is the most beautiful woman I know, she is kind, very godly and very humble.
My wife and I were virgins when we got married too. It was God’s will for both of us. I know, both of us are inexperienced in matters of S** but we are committed to learning each other and not denying each other S** as the bible commands.
We have 2 children: 3 years and almost one year old. Even with the vaginal birth that my wife had with the two children, she is still as tight as she was the first day we first made love. This used to bother me because, she used to feel pain when am trying to penetrate her and that used to turn me off. I do not want to make her uncomfortable too. So, I try not to pressure her too much for S**.
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Then about five months ago,I got a marriage seminar invitation from a colleague at work. This woman is a believer too but from another ministry. She told me so many nice things at about the seminar. How it has worked wonders for many Christian couples. I looked forward to the seminar cos I too love to learn.
On that day, my wife and I attended the program. We were surprised that a S** therapist was brought to speak at the program. I was shy but again, we are learning. I must say the program was enlightening. That was when I got to learn about S** being more emotional than physical. My wife was very happy, she took the therapist phone number after the program, maybe to ask further questions.
Since that time, she is always chatting with the therapist. Three months ago, I started noticing my wife was being more vocal during S**. She seemed to be trying most of the things she is learning from the therapist. My wife started saying things like…harder…harder…faster…I was a bit surprised but I obliged her.
My wife seemed to be wanting to have S** more and more. I started to wonder if it was the same program we both attended. She never complained of pain anymore. She was more about getting orgasm and that began to put me under pressure. She would be telling me not to stop or come and sometimes, these things cannot be controlled.
Whenever I come before she comes, she gets offended at me. I told her to relax, its not everything the therapist says that must work because people are different. My wife still will be giving me attitude. Then, my wife told me about an online class that the therapist was organizing. And she said, it would be with other couples sharing what they do to keep their relationship spicy.
I was already getting tired of this therapist because since we met her, my wife has become so S**ually aware that its becoming worrisome. Every time, she will be telling me something new about S** that she just learnt…role play, different positions for different pleasures…etc…it was too much S** knowledge for a former virgin like me o, I wont lie.
Well, just to please my wife, who was glowing like she just discovered a new world of candies….I had to let her register us and we attended the online class. This class was a bit more raw and disturbing because it was not organized in church and there were all kinds of couple there sharing their experiences.
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A couple actually said they engage in threesomes to keep their S** life exciting. I gasped and shouted blood of Jesus to which many laughed. I was like, no way. I am not judging these people but I am a Christian, that is adultery as far as I am concerned. I told my wife that its enough. What we have learnt is enough for now. No more S** therapy classes.
I told my wife not to contact the therapist again. I still noticed my wife’s S**ual expression was getting wild. I did not say anything but I did not like it. Until last Saturday, I was at home watching TV. My wife was doing her chores and my phones were charging, so I wanted to use my wife’s phone to google something.
That was when her browser history showed that she had been going to some adult sights. That was enough surprise for me but the most of it was that, she was going to adult sites showing threesomes. And I saw that most of the expressions of the p*rn stars are the same expression that my wife has been demonstrating when we are being intimate.
I called my wife inside and locked the door. I showed her what I saw on her phone. She was shocked I found out. I now started telling her that she is doing wrong for watching p*rn and not just any p*rn but threesomes. She said the therapist told her p*rn is not a sin if you are married. That it is good for inexperienced people to learn about how to enjoy S** in marriage. I asked her what about the threesome, she said…its just fantasy … that if you cannot do it but you can fantasize about it.
Now, I am very worried. P*rn is a sin no matter what anyone says. Its looking at other people having S** and having lust when you watch them. So, why would a believer say its not a sin? And above all, its threesome p*rn…is that not Sodom and Gomorrah. My wife thinks I am an old school Christian. That anything is permissible as long as you are married in the eyes of the law.
What has happened please? Did I expose my wife to something bad or am I the one that needs enlightenment? I talked to the therapist. She has years of experience and she says its religion that has kept people like me from experiencing what God has permitted within marriage. The question she asked me was, if I can watch a cooking show, where they teach people how to cook, that watching other people have S** and using it to better your marriage S** is not wrong.
This lady showed me several chapters in the book of Solomon in the bible and likened it to what we call p*rn today. The therapist says that there is nothing holy or unholy about S** in marriage…that there is no prescribed way of doing S** better in the bible because it does not matter to God what you and your spouse do during S**. She explained that when believers don’t achieve their S**ual potential in marriage, that is when cheating comes in. She said I should be happy that my wife is expressing herself in marriage now instead of cheating behind my back which some pretentious believers do.
I see where she is coming from but is this not a bit too much? I am confused. I just need clarification on this matter. Am I being old school believer or what? I am more worried for my wife…the things she’s learning…now, she is no longer tight…she’s wide and she’s always shouting deeper…harder…my fear is that with the way she is going, I hope she will not suddenly feel I am not enough for her one day? I kind of prefer her when both of us were naïve and did not so much about S**…it was less stressful and less with suspicions. What has happened?
My wife says she is happier now than since we have been married…Is this good or bad? Please advice.
Anonymous
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Sir
The game changer was when your wife learnt what Is called ” Orgasm” . And *Experience it*
Dopamine chemicals were released, It feels so Good. Her brain registered that feelings , now she wanted it.
Before that experience, she didn’t know what orgasm is. Many women are like that, they have S.e.x for duty , or just to please their husband or wife. Because the man has not get them to Experience that thing.
Your wife desire for orgasm is what is leading her to all those sites.
I know you are Christian, but try to understand her. Don’t judge her. If you face this issue with too much judgemental spirit. Am afraid you will lead her astray
If she meet a man who is comfortable with her saying various terms you call ” dirty” , but which he make her feel cool with. She is gone.
If you want to reason on porn, – tell her if you keep getting exposed to those busty and beautiful women, u may not like her again. Some women are selfish, reasonings like this would shook them cos they realize it will affect them.
So you won’t be okay with it. But you are open to trying out whatever to keep the S.e.xual energy ( the Bible support husband and wife making sure both are satisfied in their S.e.xual life , it even hinted the concept of foreplay )
Enjoy this new development, it will pass …. She was tight those times cos her mind wasn’t in those S.e.x , na just duty, now her whole body is embracing you.
S.e.x is not dirty boss, it’s a gift from God.
Nothing wrong with her saying ” harder, harder … ”
Let’s not use over Religiousness to destroy marital bonds. You are a couple, u can express yourself S.e.xually and deeply
It’s called ” moaning”
She is just in ectasy, enjoying the whole thing.
Some men wish they had what you have though.
There are no two ways to this. The simple answer to watching porn in marriage is that it is a sin.
Watching porn promotes S.e.xual lusts which is immoral polluting the mind and soul. S.e.xual lust is a sin. Those acting porn are stimulating people to live in sin and it is therefore wrong to use their contents to arouse your S.e.xual pleasure with your partner. S.e.x outside marriage is fornication. So Christian couples shouldn’t use content from those fornication to arouse their S.e.xual pleasure.
Romans 1:32:.. knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are WORTHY of DEATH, not only do the same, BUT HAVE PLEASURE IN THEM THAT DO THEM.
Another thing is that, according to studies, porn can ruin your brain if you continue to watch it as a couple. It could dirty your mind and leave you unsatisfied forever, as Dopamine levels would have increased to an extreme, leading to addiction and insatiable lust, bringing about unsatisfying physical S.e.xual experience with your partner. Such movies can’t help you as a Christian, and it is not advisable.
Stay away from porn other wise, you will damage wholesome intimacy, communication and the confidence you have in yourselves and your S.e.xual abilities.
By watching porn, S.e.xual excitement will become more important than spiritual intimacy, emotional connection and honoring each other, and those things are major part of God’s design for marriages. Often, the idea of watching porn comes up when the spark in the marriage is beginning to sizzle, but there are much better ways to reignite that flame than turning to porn. There are healthier ways in which to reconnect with a spouse than to invite porn and sin into your marriage.
A great verse to look at when exploring this question is 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 which says, “It is God’s Will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid S.e.xual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.” This was not only a call for those in Thessalonica, but a call for us, a call that we can apply to our marriages. God calls us to holiness and pornography is unholy
And lastly, it is not proper cos anything we do that pricks our conscience is a sin, unless we don’t have the Holy Spirit
Romans 14:23 NLT
– (But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning).
You really need to have a one on one with your wife and clear her mind about this. Or take it to a pastor to counsel both of you on how to spice up your S.e.x life the right holy way. Also there are good books written by Christian authors that can guide you and your wife in your marital S.e.x life. Act now before it gets too late (if it’s not too late already for your wife).
I wish you all the best. Shalom.
Dear poster,
What bob dammy and barr said are both true, but please try to balance it, it’s marriage we are talking about and not bf/gf stuff, you should be a happy your wife is expressing herself, please don’t always rebuke her and say it’s unholy, she may tend to hide it from you….if she finds a man who she can open freely to, trust me she will become emotionally attached to that man, we are humans and we got blood flowing in our veins don’t forget that, just find a way to balance it….now watching too much porn may lead to an addiction which can also lead to self gratification,….she can try to do away with the threesome for a start…you also as a man, learn to read…as your wife is improving her knowledge on S.e.x, you also improve yourself, there should be a balance, satisfy each other, it’s not always about penetration, DO HAND WORK ON HER(I CALL IT DJ WORK) S.e.x is for couples, oga up your games……peace bro.
She tight because she was never wet. Maybe the romance never got to her so she was just laying there for you to perform your duties and leave. now she knows what foreplay is. The most that turns her on and what orgasms is and how she achieves this. Trust me,it’s just a matter of time before things get out of hand if you don’t try and meet half way on this matter. S.e.x can change someone.