True Life Story- After Many Years Of Marriage- I Am Still Not In Love With My Husband
Dear Lively Stones,
I do not know whether I should share this or not. I am S**ually attracted to my husband but I am not in love with him. And this is a great fear to me. Let me explain what happened. I have only loved one man in my life. His name is Jack (not real name).
Jack and I were friends from the academy. I joined the academy because my Uncle was in the military, my cousins too, one is in the navy, the other in the air force. I grew up with them and I wanted to study medicine in military. Jack was in combat. We got engaged just before he graduated from the academy.
I still had a few years to go before graduating. Jack died in a accident during a special operation. When I was told, my life came to an end. I could not concentrate to even graduate from school. I discontinued my career pursuit in the force. I was so hurt, I told myself, no one should be in love like that, cos I don’t want to loose the love of my life anymore.
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That was 9 years ago. I have never been in a relationship since then. Alot of guys have come but I have never been ready for anything serious. Four years later, I started afresh and studied microbiology in Uni. My family have been very worried that I have never been romantically involved with any one since Jack.
I got a job in a company after graduation. A friend introduced me to her brother, we dated for a year, whenever he told me he loved me, I lied that I loved him too. I just wanted to get married and would say anything to get married. He proposed to me. I agreed but in my heart, I knew I was not in love with him…but I wanted to marry …to have children…to move on in life. I did not want to mourn Jack for 10 years.
Since we got married, my husband keeps complaining that I am not romantic and caring. Its strange right but I feel my heart has locked up with Jack. I thought that being married would mean that I will find a way to fall in love with my husband. No, even though we have our children but we both live like strangers in the house. I knew when my husband started drifting away from me and our marriage but I could care less.
However, as I got older, it became harder to be in a S**less marriage. Divorce was out of the question because I do not want it to affect my children. I had to find pleasure for me, so I would go out randomly to clubs to meet men, just for S**. My husband found out and he moved out of our home.
With the help of one of my husband’s friend, we reconciled after a month in therapy. We started working on our romance and intimacy. The S** is good now, in fact very good but I and that my husband’s friend started having affair. Surprisingly, this time, my heart began to open up. I found out I was in love again. But the issue is: he is married. And I am married.
Love: its that feeling of excitement and feeling that you cannot live without someone…the feeling I had with Jack….now, I feel alive again with Dan, my husband’s friend. Its like we both feel we are married to the wrong people but We have been keeping the affair as secret as possible. Few weeks ago, my husband that was supposed to be out of town, walked in on me and his friend f*cking in our house.
My husband feels so betrayed, he almost killed his friend. He has asked me to choose between staying married or not…he said this is the last chance I have. I need advice please, I know this sounds crazy but I realize that for the first time since Jack, I am in love…but with someone else, not my husband.
Our marriage is a toxic one, my husband is not happy with me but he is willing to work on the marriage, he has really tried for me, I am the toxic one. I feel like I can never really love my husband. If I can’t, how then do I stay faithful in this marriage? I do not want to break his heart. Our therapist feels that I should be able to learn to fall in love with my husband one day but I fell in love with my husband’s married friend instead.
I feel more of pity and obligation and lust for my husband but not true love…I have struggled to explain myself because I am afraid of being called an ungrateful woman but what can I do?
Anonymous
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Madam you have to really decide if you wanna stay married or not.
This is a choice only you can make,you can’t keep hurting the innocent man,he didn’t do anything bad in marrying you.
How long do you want to mourn Jack? He is now in the past so move on.
As for that your husband’s friend that has no shame , regard and respect for his family,I pray his wife doesn’t find out about both of you.
You better desist from seeing that man and work on your marriage for the sake of your children. Don’t you have conscience? Please love that man called your husband,if you think his friend will leave his wife for you,you lie,he will make your life miserable,his wife too will not allow you see the light of the day,so the earlier you start loving and caring for your husband,the better for you.
FYI, you must remain in that marriage,no more cheating, misbehaving, waywardness and flirting with men in the club,stay married and respect the Good Married Women Association (GMWA). Nne be warned,don’t be a disgrace to your children,don’t bring shame and mockery to your family,repent and go close to God. Ask for His mercy because He alone is willing to show mercy.
I rest my case
The truth is that, you got a good man as a husband… Only few men can do that.
Now, the decision is yours to make.
If you decide to stay, you have to make up your mind, never to hurt him again.
You can actually love him, if you start looking at his good qualities and make effort to love him.
Ask God to help you.
Let me concole you a little bit. I’m also in the same shoe as you. I married a man I wasn’t in live with but he was in love with me. We have one child and two children in total. I have tried leaving because ours isn’t a white wedding or church wedding but the man always fights till I stay. When I realized I was the problem,I have resorted to praying everyday that God should help me not cheat on him because he’s done nothing to warrant such betrayal. We struggle financially among other family issues but we’ve survived this far. I have also avoided any environment that would lead me to go astray. Clubbing,meeting up with my single friends and stuff like that,I had to stop. If I must,we go together. That way,I don’t fall into temptation. In all these,all I’m trying to say is, you’d be shocked that after leaving your husband,that his friend won’t leave his wife for you. Or better still,even if he does, living under the same roof may open up realizations that maybe you just lusted over him. It wasn’t actually love. Again,I always tell women,marry a man that loves you more than you love him,that marriage will last longer than you’d expect. I wish you the best
Respect hi love for you. Learn to love him. Respect your children. Have some respect for G your husband’s friend is just passing time with you. He cant leave his family for you. Men like your husband are scarce especially in this part of the planet. Don’t leave your home for the unknown in order to avoid stories that touches; HAD I KNOWN kind of stories . Shalom
Stop stressing the poor man. Just leave him and be a single mum cos that guy won’t leave his wife for you. And stop the adultery. Do the right thing