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True Life Story: Being A Single Mother Is Out Of The Question-Pls Advise Me

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True Life Story: Being A Single Mother Is Out Of The Question-Pls Advise Me

Hi Lively Stones,

A few days ago, a video went viral of how a wedding was cancelled because the groom discovered on his wedding that that his wife to be has 2 children before and she did not tell him. This story caused me serious pain as I recalled the PTSD that I went through when I was growing up. Why is it that no one wants a single mother?

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I have alot of respect for single mothers. I was raised by a single mother but it was a very difficult upbringing for me. My mom eventually went and had 2 other siblings plus me but she was never legally married. I feel I may have fallen into the same generational curse that my mom went through. I swore never to be a single mother years ago, following the many challenges I experienced growing up without a father figure in my life.

To talk about the challenges is story for another day but it was not easy. I had so much mental and emotional neglect problems. Maybe that is why I never even dated the right kind of guys. I always felt jealous of other kids with both parents legally married. the height of the challenges was when in my secondary school, a friend’s mother told her to stop hanging around with me cos I will be a bad influence on her as a result of being raised by a woman without a husband. My mom was called an ashewo all the time. A side chick…who no man wanted to marry…she was only good enough for f*cking and not marriage.

I met Lanre (not real name) about six months ago. Things moved very fast for us, maybe because of the way things started. It was actually at a car wash we met. He came to wash his car, a Mercedes and I came to wash mine too…same car and model. We got talking about the challenges of maintaining a car that Mercedes and he gave me some useful tips. Then he bought me a drink and we had some pepper soup too.

Lanre asked me if I was married, I said no…but I have a boyfriend in SA. He said he was married but he and his wife don’t have s3x anymore for over two years now. I did not believe that he has not had s3x for over two years and he confirmed that he has been seeing other women outside of his marriage. According to Lanre, he started cheating on his wife when he realized, the wife deceived him.

That he found out that his wife used to sleep with her boss and continued even after they got married. That he stayed in the marriage because of his kids but they are no longer in love with each other. According to him, when the kids are old enough, he will leave the marriage. Lanre and I started seeing each because he convinced me that his marriage was truly over, it was just a matter of time.

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I also fell helplessly in love with Lanre. Lanre was everything I desired in a man. He was both friend and lover. Romantic and caring. Always making sure I was ok and happy. He would call me everyday even at work just to check on me, to find out if I have eaten. We spent almost every night together too. We made love everyday.

ALSO READ: How do I move on…,who will marry a single mom? I just want to die!

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Of course, I broke up with my boyfriend in SA to focus on Lanre. Everything was going on fine until Lanre’s wife lost her twin brother…during that time, Lanre felt he needed to be there for her. That is the kind of man he is…very kind and thoughtful but before I knew it, he started sleeping with her again. He confessed and said it was just because the wife was grieving but they slept together again and I got angry and wanted to break up with Lanre.

That was why, I travelled to SA to see my ex, without telling Lanre…I spent a couple of weeks with him before coming back. We rekindled our love and I came back to Nigeria to tell Lanre that we are over but guess what….I found out I was pregnant….I picked up my phone to call Lanre and discovered he sent me a text to say that his wife was pregnant….

Lanre said that does not change anything cos he is still in love with me but he is not aware that I just found out that I am pregnant too. By my calculation, Lanre is most likely to be the father of my pregnancy. I only saw my ex for the first time in about four weeks ago. Yet, I am six weeks pregnant. Well, I do not really know, maybe its for my ex…but my mind is saying its Lanre’s baby. If I tell Lanre about being pregnant…will that make him leave his pregnant wife for me or will that make him leave me?

That is just bad timing. My head is spinning from confusion on what to do. Sometimes I think what if this pregnancy is for my ex….you know…to calculate pregnancy sometimes, it may not be exactly accurate in the dates. That is why I am thinking of pinning the pregnancy on my ex…we just resumed back and he wants to take things very serious this time, he is thinking marriage.

Clearly, with Lanre’s wife now pregnant, he may not be divorcing her again or anytime soon. I am not sure of what he will do. So, I am thinking what is best for me and my baby now.. It could be lanre’s baby or it could be for my ex….but If my former ex finds out in the end that the baby is not his…he may refuse to accept responsibility and that really scares me. I think my best option is to get rid of the pregnancy. I do not think I want to have a baby as a single mother. I was raised by a single mother and I do not want my won child to go through what I went through by not having a father in his or her life.

In summary, I want to know if its ok to pin the pregnancy on my former ex or just move on and get rid of it. My ex will be very happy if the pregnancy is his because he actually wants us to be married and have kids…but if it proves that he is not the father, at the end of the day, then this thought of ever getting married might not work out.

As for me, being a single mother is out of the question. I know single mothers sometimes find love but the chances are very low. I am still young and I do believe that one day, I will find my own husband one day and I do not want a child out of wedlock to ruin that opportunity for me. Even my mom will be disappointed in me cos she has always said none of her children will follow in her path. Please advise me.

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

3 COMMENTS

  1. I want to ask the following questions dear young lady.

    * You went to see your Ex in SA,an EX you already broke up with the moment you fell in love with Lanre, isn’t it? How come you went back to him when you already broke up with him? Anyways you never broke up with that EX of yours in the first place, simple.

    *Why didn’t you wait for Lanre to divorce his wife before you started dating him? A man who still lives with his wife and he tells you ,he has never slept with his wife for 2years and you believed him .

    Anyways,you have to get rid of the baby because Lanre is not ready to leave his wife,he was just using you and some other girls to fill the vacuum his wife left empty.

    You can’t marry Lanre,so don’t even think of pinning the pregnancy on him,if it happens that your ex is not the owner of the baby and you want to pin it on him, that means you are in for serious problem and trouble in future.

    Best advice – Get rid of it and have peace,leave Lanre alone and mind your business,make up with the EX you already broke up with and settle with him. Peace

  2. Hmmmn, this is complicated. and i dont envy you .
    I am also trying not to judge you. Be that as it may, truth ,we cannot hide in the corner of the mouth for long.
    As it is, you really messed up like alot of single Ladies do in this age. How will a lady think a man going thro stuffs with his wife give up all his investments in marriage to be with them/ you?!! .
    Heloooo, you remain a side chick!! Abi did he show you document to prove hes disolving his marriage? He didnt have sex with his wife for 2years, are you in the house with them?! I wonder how gullible the women folk can be!
    Well, truth is, forget about Lanre, you cant be with him.

    Your Ex too, the foundation youre returning it him on is faulty. Better you let him know now than later. if he loves you, he will accept you with the preggie. I dont believe in abortion (except when its life threaning to the woman) , so i wont recommend it here for you.
    Meanwhile, i commend your resolve not to be a single mom. I pray God will help you achieve this dream ,but you have to be true to yourself and it beginns now. Come out to your Ex. both of you have had a long break so ,he should expect anything would have happened to you and him along the line including this pregnancy.
    if he loves you, you ll be able to go thro it together.
    it ll be well.
    Peace.

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