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True Life Story: Help-I Lost My Libido After Many Years Of Waiting For Marriage

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True Life Story: Help-I Lost My Libido After Many Years Of Waiting For Marriage

Dear Lively Stones,

I need your advise please about s3xual libido. My name is Bianca (not real name). I am 48 years old. I was single for a very long time. I had actually lost any hope of ever getting married until three years ago that I met my husband, Chris. I was surprised at his level of maturity and he wanted someone who was ready to get married too. He had been divorced with a daughter but he remained single cos he wanted someone he would build a future with, he was determines the next person he would marry would not result in another divorce.

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The only thing I had an issue was, he was younger than me with 6 years. Chris made me believe it was not an issue. I was the one feeling insecure but he made every effort to ensure that was not an issue. At 45, I got married for the first time in my life. I must say I am so grateful to God for finally hearing my prayer. I enjoyed married life to the fullest. It was like I was trying to catch up for the wasted years. So I did not mind when Chris wanted s3x everyday. I was living my best life.

And as God would have it, I got pregnant almost 2 months after marriage. But my pregnancy was a difficult one cos I had high BP, pregnancy diabetes, fibroids. I was always sick. S3x became difficult to keep up with. Eventually, I was placed on best rest at seven months pregnant. I had my baby with CS cos he was so huge. After having a baby, hubby could not even wait for the normal six weeks to have s3x. I was also not in the best frame of mind mentally.

After three months of having a baby, hubby became insistent with this s3x thing. I tried to make up but I was not able to meet the every day requirement that he wanted cos I was breast feeding, still unwell, etc but this man will not allow me rest. He was like, s3x is life food for men and my not meeting his needs was like starving him. I was sad cos I felt I was doing my best but he became unreasonable cos when he couldn’t have it…he made a statement that maybe he made a mistake by marrying someone older than him.

That statement hurt me so much but he later apologized. That year was very difficult for us, cos this matter became quarrel for us. When my son clocked nine months, I found out I was pregnant again. My first reaction was panic cos I was not even really fully recovered from my first child birth experience but with God, I accepted my fate. After all, children are a gift from God especially for someone like me that was almost 50 years old.

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Like the first pregnancy, second one was also difficult. The doctors said the challenges were age related. Anyway, I battled throughout the pregnancy. And Oga still stressed me with demand for s3x. It finally dawned on me that our libido dont match. I became angry and resentful towards him cos I felt he was being totally insensitive. Our marriage became strained, and he would sometimes bring up the age thing. He made it seem that my lack of interest in s3x was cos of my age. He did not see that I was battling with a young child with another pregnancy plus health challenges.

My bp was so high this time, I was placed on bed rest, my child was born premature at seven months one week earlier. My child was in incubator for almost 2 months before we were released to go home. Even when my child was in incubator, this man tried to approach me for s3x. I had to cry out to my younger sister and told her everything I was going through. My sister who knows how sad I was during my single says advised me to try and play ball so my marriage can last. It dawned on me that my husband may have been the same way in his first marriage…maybe that was why the woman could not cope.

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So between my sister and I, she advised me to suggest that my husband can have a s3x lover to compliment since I could not keep up. I was afraid that if this problem continues, we may end up in divorce again. I wont be able to bear the shame. I mean, people will think the problem is from me, that I could not get married for almost 45 years and I finally married and could not keep my marriage. So, I have been considering what my sister said.

Everything is not about s3x…I want to be well and happy with my children. I have prayed for my marriage for so long and I cannot let it slip away from me cos of s3x. So, should I offer my husband s3x outside marriage so I can be free from his pressure sometimes? I know its a risk but I don’t know what else to do to keep this man satisfied. Maybe we can have it in writing, that any woman he meets for s3x must not get pregnant for him and must not cause our marriage to separate?

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Will that work? I am not even sure that my husband will agree to the idea but what if he does? I mean, this means, I am giving him permission to cheat on me. oh my God…yes, I want him to take his mind off me for s3x now. I have tried to talk and reason with him …he now feels like he made a mistake marrying an older woman and that really pains me.

Yes, I really feel the libido for me and him is not the same…he wants s3x and I want peace in my marriage. Please advise me…Do you think my plan will work? Do you think I might loose my husband to another woman in the process despite signing an agreement? what else can I do?

 

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

10 COMMENTS

  1. Sorry you’re going through this ma’am
    inviting another sex partner into your home is risky, you might lose your husband and that peace you’re trying to maintain will still turn fight. Even if you put it in writing that she will not have baby for him, belle no know writing or promises.
    The best you could do for now is for both of you to see a counselor or a therapist so they can guide you on what to do and keep praying, God help you ma’am

  2. Don’t do what you will regret tomorrow,call your husband inorder, explain everything to him n pray to God

  3. Hello Poster,

    Marriage is not a do or die affair

    Don’t sell yourself short because you got married late and want to keep your marriage at all cost

    Communication is the solution… Keep doing your best to communicate how you feel about this constant sex demand

    You are feeling overwhelmed because you are having children through difficult pregnancies

    After a while… when the children grow older… You will be fine and find more balance

    Remember you were not complaining about the sex until you got pregnant… So relax… Things will Normalize

    Just ask your husband to be patient…. I don’t want to believe he married you because of sex alone…

    He also needs someone to advice him

    His wife needs him to support her not stress her

    Can you figure out who can talk to him that he would listen to?

    And seriously tell him to stop mentioning the age thing… No one is perfect…. Am sure he also has his own flaws.

    Finally… If this is the reason he divorces you… You are not the problem…. He’s the one that will have the record of two time divorcee

    And you were doing fine for over 45 before you got married… So even if it doesn’t work… You will still be fine

    Don’t be pressured to stay In marriage that there is no thoughtfulness for each other

    Girl… Leave to keep shouting…. Just focus on your mental and physical health recovery as well as your babies

    He is a grown man… If he can’t be patient… Let him do what he likes….you can suggest for him to get a side chick

    Let him be by yourself as he promised on wedding day

    It’s in sickness and in health

    Don’t worry… Relax… All will be fine with time.

  4. So sorry for what you are going through. Its unfriendly condition you have found yourself in. I think you need to talk to the man over sex and a fresh mom like you.
    The advice from you sister is a DANGEROUS one. And count yourself a divorcee if you give him rhat chance. It’s called flood gate. You can’t stop him when to give him that chance.

    It’s rather better to let a doctor give give you something like a sex schedule than to implement that free gave for your husband.

    At the end of the day, he will blame you a times for any unforseen.

    Take heart and pray

  5. This is so painful…
    I feel certain that you shouldn’t give him the licence to cheat so he doesn’t blame you again… let him make his decision and take responsibility for it 100%…

    Since he seem blind to what’s going on with you amd your body and how his demands affects you, you might need to tell him.

    You have young children to take care of, that’s stressful on it’s own… your body also need to recover and that might take you years, 4 to 5years maybe… so guy needs to see the reality and deal with it like a reasonable man who puts your wellbeing first before his high sexual needs… You guys can explore other ways to deal with the difference in libido… If he still doesn’t get it, or you guys can’t help yourselves, you guys might need to seek help with a therapist and counsellor…

    In all, please choose your mental health and well being above all else. Stay sane biko, don’t let that blood pressure go where it shouldn’t go… your health is key and your kids need you. Please don’t die trying to please a man who will marry another after you…and your children will now suffer for your indecision when they needed you most…

    Sister please o
    I take God beg you o
    God don do you better, give you two kids… please focus o… that guy better arrange his head, his mind and his penis before him libido go enter minus o… e should better have sense

  6. Don’t advise your husband to seek for sex outside marriage. Just try your best as a wife and leave the rest. It is not everything your husband says that you must take to heart. He is just hurt. Men don’t understand what a woman goes through in order to birth children and most men are selfish when it comes to sex. So just try your best but don’t beat yourself in order to please him.

  7. Dear poster I understand the situation can be frustrating Just be honest with your partner.

    There is nothing wrong with not being in the mood.

    There is also nothing wrong with having different sex drives.

    Some partners have lower and higher drives than others.

    To have sex everyday is a bit excessive though, bordering on sex addiction.

    Like I love my spouse and she is the most gorgeous woman in the world but for me 2 or 3 times a week is more than enough.

    It doesn’t happen often but there has been a few occasions where my spouse suggested sex and I refused saying I wasn’t in the mood.

    Also don’t let your partner guilt you into sex. I have heard people assume that if you don’t have sex regularly then you don’t love your partner.. that is nonsense.

    Relationships are about spending time together and doing activities together as well as supporting and assisting each other when needed.

    Communicate your feelings and concerns to him you can offer him different sex experiences like handjob etc it mustn’t be penetration always

    Also If he needs help let him undergo some counseling session to guide him through any addiction whatsoever

    But never give in to the advice of getting a sexual partner for him it might not end well

    Best wishes the lord is your strength

  8. Dear Poster,

    It’s a pity you are going through such predicament.

    If you prayed for this marriage, then pray for your marriage to work and pray for your husband to understand and act better.

    Your sister’s advice is not healthy for your marriage, the peace you want and mental health.

    Focus on having a conversation with your husband again. Explain how you affected by the stresses of raising the children.

    Don’t let what he says about your age affect you afterall, he chose you and he needs to face the real fact not age. Tell him what he says affects you but learn to be less affected by that cheap talk. You know the cause of your low libido.

    Pay attention to your health, children and being a happy woman.

    If your husband remains adamant after your discussion and attrmpt to make him so,then suggest a meeting with a counsellor and therapist.

    But, you are the first priority.

    Be happy.

  9. Dear Poster.

    You are blessed!

    I am happy it is sex from your husband that is the issue. From all your said, I want to imagine him calling your age is because of how you turn him away when he demands for sex.

    Put on your feminine side and be submissive to his demand by seductively running him away with lovee and respect.

    You can give him babe duties, – horny please help me with junior.

    You can also help him other ways that will not necessarily be by penetration. Learn creative ways to calm him down. You should not just shrove him aside or think he is insensitive because you have showed him you are capable before pregnancy started coming.

    Fing his mumu button and press it and I am sure he will understand, insulting him or calling him names will make him play the age card to get back at you.

    Please ooh, do jot give him out,because you will not get him back. If thee person is ready to give him 3 time a day, sorry you have lost him.

    Massage his ego, tell him if he can wait till weekend you will give him the best style he likes to buy yourself sometime. Learn oral sex and tell him for the next 1 month horny I want to spoil you orally….bla bla bla.

    Don’t tell him it is your body and you are tired. Tell him honry you almost killed me yesterday…I think I will need time to heal.

    You need to be able to communicate with him effectively and present workable alternative while managing his sexual ego and husband pride.

    You are blessed, know this and live happily with your blessing. It is only when you know how blessed you are that you can truly know peace.

    Keep having faith, and keep striving to be a virtues wife.

  10. Please don’t make a mistake of bringing other girls to satisfy your man the best thing is that the 2 of you should go for counselling, also pray for ur man, take good care of yourself don’t be worried at all.

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