True Life Story: Help-My Best Friend Is Under Marital Bondage
Dear Lively Stones,
Pardon my English is not too good. I need your advise ma. I have a best friend that we grew up in the same compound for more than 13 years. We are so close people think we are sisters. Something happened, my boyfriend who got me pregnant and promised to marry me, disappointed me cos his parents said I am not good for him. It was my best friend and family that helped me survive all through.
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Two years later, this my best friend got engaged to someone that I have heard is a womanizer. I warned her to be careful but she would not listen. Before you know it, she start cohabiting with the guy. And she will be asking me to come visit her in his place. Every time I go to visit her in the guy’s place, am not comfortable but just for my friend sake. They are planning to get married so I am always with my friend, cos we are talking and sometimes going out to buy things for the wedding together.
There’s this day I called my friend, she said she’s going to her boyfriend’s place, that we will meet there. I said ok. When I reached there, the boyfriend was around with his friend. They were watching ball and drinking. They offered me drink and I said no. I keep calling my friend and she said there is hold up. I even wanted to leave but she said I must wait for her. The boyfriend later beg me to help him do noodles, since all of us are hungry, so we can eat when my friend come.
So, I agreed, I went to the kitchen and start the cooking. Like some minutes later, this guy come behind me and start touching me….I tried best to fight him off…he was very strong and he hit my head with something hard. I fell and he came on me and r#ped me. His friend too. I was in pain and so weak that I could barely stand. They now called uber and gave me 10k that I should go, that if I say anything, I will regret it.
As I was leaving, my friend was calling me but I was too weak and crying. The Uber man was asking me what happened…I said nothing. Later, I text my friend that her man and his friend r#ped me and she said she is coming. She did not come until the next morning and she said I should tell her the truth and stop lying. I told her I am saying the truth but she said I have joined those who don’t want their relationship to work to bad mouth the boyfriend. That I know her marriage is close.
I cried and swore by my late brother’s life that I was telling the truth but she said our relationship is over. Cos her man told her that I came and was flirting with the friend and it was the friend that promised me 10k for a short time and that the friend did short time but he did not do anything. Can you imagine.
Everyone I told said I should leave my friend, that when man enter friendship, it used to be like that. Since that incident, I never heard from my friend until her wedding. I sent her congratulations on the wedding day and she replied thank you. I miss my friend, when I remember how everything happen, I just be shedding tears. Its like am all alone in this world but I thank God for my life. I am still managing.
Some time ago, one of our former neighbor called to say have I heard that my friend got a miscarriage? That she almost lost her life in the process. I said no, am not aware. So she advised me to call and sympathize with her which I did. My friend did not pick my call but she send me message and she was raining curses on me, that shebi am happy now. That I place curse on her cos of she does not want to be friend with me again, after I lied on her husband. That I want her to leave her husband so she can be single like me.
This one pained me so much, I decided to go to her village to report her to her people cos her family know me. When I reached Ilesha and told her mother everything my friend did, they started begging me to forgive her, that their daughter is under bondage. That they have been trying to bring her out but its like the girl is under jazz. They said my friend lost her pregnancy after her husband and his friend got drunk and took turns in r#ping her.
I was so shocked I fell to the ground…what????…they said the man drinks so much and forget where he is and r#pes my friend or brings girls to sleep with in their house. That they have asked my friend to leave the man but she instead, she prefer to go to prayer house everyday, praying for the man to change. I cried my eyes out on my way back to village. They say the man is an occultist cos why will a man and his friend be r$ping his own wife?
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I cannot even talk to my friend…no one can…she is truly under a spell. I need advise on what to do. Despite the fact the man hurt me, I am hurting everyday more cos I know he is also hurting my friend. The family cannot go to police cos they tried and my friend denied that her husband did anything to her. I am afraid for my friend. I don’t know what else to do. Please share my story and advise me.
Anonymous
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Dear friendship keeper, it’s time to stay on your own and mind your business…. You have been friends for thirteen years,so! You need to stay on your own, isn’t it obvious that she doesn’t longer value your friendship with her,hun!
Madam friendship,think of ways to better your life,think of ways to make money and be the best version of yourself,leave this friendship that’s not even worth it,for thirteen years she couldn’t believe you,she chose her boyfriend now husband to you her friend who told her about the rape…. Abeg rest make your prayer work for your head,leave her alone……
Udo!
Dear Poster,
I’m concerned about you.
If you’re concerned about your friend then be concerned about yourself first.
I understand you care about your friend which is a good thing but you must save yourself first.
Do not step into the lion’s den when you have no saviour like the God of Daniel.
We could be indebted to people but shouldn’t be foolish to lose our lives when they won’t even appreciate such a sacrifice.
Stay away from your friend. Think about your happiness and safety.
Pray for her deliverance from a far. Ask God to open her eyes to know the danger she is living with. She needs God to show her the true character of her husband and enable her leave the bondage.
Again, stay away from the couple and mind your business. Don’t be call or visit her.
Only her parents have the power to go and carry her a way from that home, send her to another environment far away from her captive and put her under strict observation and care.
You need to be happy and fulfilled as a person. Not all friends would remain in every season of our lives. Any relationship endangering your life should be cut off. A man that can rape the wife with a friend never married her as a wife but an object of fun and humiliation.
Choose your life, joy and safety first before giving those to another.
All the best.
We have counselled a few women in similar situations like this
The victim feels they are tied to their abuser for life: Stockholm Syndrome
The sometimes think it’s love for their abuser
It will Wear off but not after she has suffered
All you can do is pray for her…. From A distance
It’s a very dicey situation… One that there are very limited options
Only the parents can write a petition that if anything happens to their daughter… The husband should be held responsible
Poster…. You also Made a mistake. You should have reported to the police when you were raped by the man and his friend
I know you may have thought you didn’t want to hurt your friend
Right now… Your friend is being hurt and she thinks she’s doing the right thing by praying for her husband to change
It’s 2024….people are still ignorant about things like this
It’s very sad
Send your friend this story…. Let her see people’s responses to her situation
Let her know it’s better to be alive and healthy than to be married to a rapist who may be a murderer or even give her incurable STDs in future
Even if she leaves…. She will need time to get help and healing from this mindset that her abuser has caged her with
Marriage is not supposed to be slavery
You have tried your best, it’s time to allow life teach her. For now step aside and mind your business. I know it hurts, but You may get yourself in more troubles if you don’t back off. She already see you as a threat
Dear poster, you need to start thinking about yourself.
You need to have self love.
Sir down and think about your own life. Advise yourself.
Pray for yourself.
That your friend does not need that service from you.
Leave her and her marriage alone. Someone who sees you as the architect of her problem, there’s nothing you will say to her that she will believe.
We are mostly the cause of some of our problems ,for if we overlook the red flags that often befalls us we are indirectly setting ourselves up for the potential hazard that would befall us if we go ahead .
U were raped ,u told Ur friend instead of Ur friend to listen to u ,as someone that had been with her almost all her life she believes in her boyfriend ,now she is also reaping out of the devilish nature of her man , tomorrow they would say it is the devil, he wants not like that ,but the devil has always been there we just failed to take hold of the signal
There is a saying that once a rapist always a rapist except the rapist seek help ,the act itself is very dark and evil , because the person who is raping another is probably suffering from a mental disorder that if he is not treated he goes back and after sometime repeat such actions ,again and again ,even to the woman .
And that’s why both the rapist and their victim often needs to see a therapist to help the damages that must have occured between in them ,but In this part of the word ,only the person raped mostly goes for healing ,not knowing the bigger menace is the raper who is sick ,but doesn’t know
Anyway back to the story ,u can’t help who doesn’t want to be help ,until we believe we need help no matter what any one say we would always not value it ,even salvation which is a gift to man ,is only gotten when it is seek by the recipient .
Ur friend is yet to get to the end of herself , and so the best thing is to support her in prayers ,but don’t dive too much into their matters ,as it can necessarily stain Ur white .
Let her keep praying for him ,no one can undermine the effective prayer of a wife over her husband ,if that’s what she believes
But if she had accepted the warning sign she would not have found herself in the mess she now finds herself……who knows God has prepared a good husband for her but she instead choose a rapist and now the miscarriage , the painful experience is the dividend of her bad actions .
There is no rapist that can ever be the will of God ,not now, not ever …..
U can only do little and at best pray that Ur friends see the light and probably come out of the darkness if need be .
Dear poster truly sad to hear about the trauma you’ve experienced. It’s devastating that your friend didn’t believe you and that you’re still carrying this pain. Please know that there’s always support for you.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge your courage in sharing such a story. It takes immense strength to speak up about such a personal and painful experience.
Considering the situation, I would suggest the following options:
1. Reach out to a support group: Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can be incredibly empowering. Look for local support groups or online forums where you can share your story and find solidarity.
2. Contact authorities (again): If you feel comfortable, consider reporting the incident to the authorities again. This time, you may want to explore different channels, such as a specialized sexual assault unit or a victim’s advocate.
Lastly establish some healthy boundaries during the process to protect yourself from further emotional harm.
I pray you find happiness and peace of mind again