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True Life Story: Help-My Marriage Is On The Verge Of Breaking Up Due To Fake Lifestyle

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True Life Story: Help-My Marriage Is On The Verge Of Breaking Up Due To Fake Lifestyle

Hi Lively Stones,

I need your advise. Its my husband’s fake lifestyle that is on the verge of breaking up our marriage. This man and I have had a rocky marriage for the last six years. I never saw the signs until the second year of our marriage. I never knew my husband was living a fake life when we dated. He seemed comfortable as a banker so I did not really know about his money. But soon, I realized that I got married to someone who likes to show off that he has money and is living the Lagos big boy life but he had nothing.

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By the time I realized he was living a pretentious lifestyle, I was already pregnant. We kept having issues of him clubbing (he used to say he goes to club for networking, to meet his targets at work), he was spending money he borrowed for clubs and buying flashy things like clothes, cars and latest phones and other gadgets.

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Yes, he works in the bank but he does not earn as much as he pretends to earn. When I spoke to him to stop living this life of pretense, he said, everyone in Lagos is faking it until they made it especially bankers. I found out his colleagues too were into this kind of lifestyle. He used to say even big men like Bill Gates, Dangote and Otedola borrows money. So, there is nothing wrong in borrowing. We were always in debt. Our house rent was 4M, I told him lets move to the mainland where we will get cheaper rent but he said over his dead body will he move to mainland.

So we continued having arguments, hiding from debtors. Many times, I have bailed him from police custody for borrowing money. He also was involved in heavy betting and he was loosing money. Some of his family members was tired to talking to him….well, not many of them cos they liked to collect money from him, only his sister would talk sense to him. The rest pretended with him too. I got tired of talking and left him alone . The only thing I made sure was that, I tried to manage within my own finances cos I knew I could never depend on my husband. Of course, he never spent the money on me cos he felt I was always complaining and not supporting his lifestyle.

Its been six years of constant wahala in this marriage. Then, my car broke down and it needed almost 800k to fix. My husband refused to fix it. He said he will buy me a benz and I told him no, that we cant afford a benz. And how do we even maintain a bez? He is driving a Ford jeep and that is high maintenance already. Because of that, he refused to buy or help me fix my car. So, I started saving money to buy a car for myself. I have saved like 2M to buy any small car and I told him that I am looking for a car within that budget.

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My budget is really small but my husband refused to help me. Then he asked me to loan him the 2M, that he wants to invest it for me, that he will make money on it and give me back 5M in three months. I refused because I know that is how he has been scamming people. As a banker, he will take money from customers, telling them he is investing and that is how he will put everything in betting and loose everything.

This issue caused a big quarrel. My husband says he is tired of me always on his case, that I dont trust him with money and he feels we are not compatible. I did not say anything but for several months, I have noticed he has been coming back home very late or sometimes, he will not come back for days. When I ask him, he will ignore me. I know he is seeing other women, that is why he does not come home.

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This is really upsetting me cos before, I never suspected him cheating, only money issues but now, he is cheating on me. The signs are all there: he no longer has s3x with me and he never looks at me anymore…he says he regrets marrying me. So, I called his family to come and talk to him. When they came, he told them its because I refuse to trust him and give him my 2M, that he has decided to divorce me cos he realize that I am always against him and that is why he is not making financial progress.

Now, his family is taking his side, that as a woman, I should support my husband’s financial ambition cos if I dont, he will never do well in Life…and that its because instead of praying for my husband to make it, I am attacking his financial plans. I was stunned…which financial plans? my husband does not have any legal financial plans and his family is pretending not to know that. I am shocked. They said its my prayers that is hindering their brother from making it big. They say a woman is not supposed t challenge how the husband makes money.

And they also said, if I have money, its my husband’s money and so, that 2M that my husband asked for, that I should give it to him as a sign of submission and support to my husband. I don’t know how his family can turn against me and take his sides but this marriage just became very unbearable now. They are saying, if I don’t submit the money to my husband, that their brother can do whatever he likes including getting a divorce and sending me away and sleeping with other women.

I do not feel welcome anymore in this marriage….I feel exhausted living in this lie…all I see is a man going down the drain and he wants to drag me along with him. I fear that if something is not done, my husband will drown this family into financial debt that will sink us….I also fear that his cheating will continue and he may no longer be in love with me anymore. The cheating hurt me so much more than even the fake lifestyle…This is not how I planned my life but it looks like I have no choice but to start thinking of a future for myself….

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Please advice me…I do not want a divorce … I still love my husband….but things seems to have gone out of hand. How do I save my marriage? How do I get my husband to do the right thing? Should I give him the 2M, knowing he will squander it? Should I continue to submit foolishly to him and let him ruin us to stupor? Please advise me. I am going insane. I have 2 children who need their father and mother but our home seems to be breaking apart because of all these issues and I don’t know what else to do. I am on the verge of depression.

Please advise me.

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

10 COMMENTS

  1. Dear poster,to be truthful and very honest with you,as I was reading your story,I was just praying that you haven’t given him the 2 million because I don already dey plan the swear wey I one give you with immediate alacrity…..

    Dear woman, you’ve tried your best,for six good years, there’s nothing to show for it aside your two children,biko breathe.

    Don’t you ever release that money,let him do his worse,keep the 2M very well ooooo,kill every sexual urge you’ve for him and learn to take care of your kids,if he wants to divorce you because you didn’t release your money,let him go ahead …

    I rather stay alone than be with such an irresponsible man,waster and yeye man.

    Madam,relax and watch as event unfolds biko,thank God you have money,that’s my happiness,no wonder he’s misbehaving,he has yeye family, shameless group of people

    God bless you nne

    • Don’t give that narcissist husband of yours any shishi! Use it and get out of that house because when people he’s owing comes for him, you’d be hit in the crossfire! Leave that guy now! You don’t love him, if you do, you would have done something or extricated yourself earlier than now!
      As for his family, their delusional attitude should not be transferred to your children! Thank you

  2. Dear poster,

    “I have saved like 2M to buy any small car and I told him that I am looking for a car within that budget.” I think this was where you got it wrong; telling him you have such amount of money when you know about his lavish lifestyle was one of the mistake.
    This is not to condemn you, but to let you know that finding yourself in this situation and you still want to keep your home requires that you never involve him in any information about money in the family. While you save up just in case his fake life backfire you will be standing with your saved funds for yourself and your children. You have to start making financial provision without his knowledge for the days he will have to learn the lessons of life. This might require you sharing part of this 2M he’s already aware of and start saving up for the money he will not be aware of; this is just to save your marriage as you have claimed to still love him and (just as commanded by God must submit to him) staying in the marriage for the sake of your children.

  3. Dear poster First and foremost recognise your mistakes. You should have been on the same page as him with your financial goals before you married. You are supposed to be building the foundation for your family, and he is instead digging you into a hole.

    Secondly, realise that you don’t just feel disrespected, you are being disrespected.
    Do you buy anything you want? No, because you understand that you have bills. Those are a responsibility that you both share. He doesn’t care about them at all and frankly I think he’s too immature for a marriage. A marriage is not supposed to be about spreading out the consequences of risky behaviour between two people. Its about stability and growth. I can assure you that your family won’t be happy with this kind of man. He’s taking advantage of you.

    Invest and make more money, spend responsibly You will be grateful years down the road and while money can’t buy happiness

    Just be a faithful and loving wife to your family and kids. let him decide what he wants from the relationship don’t give him money that will cost you or your investment to crash. also don’t stop improving and investing in yourself or building a future for your children even if it means a little compromise from him not knowing your plans do it it will pay you in future best wishes

  4. Dear poster my serious advice is for you to be assertive in your marriage with your husband. Clearly communicate your needs and stand firm in your decisions. Avoid being swayed by guilt or emotional manipulation from him or any family member. If you find that the manipulation and wasteful behavior of your husband are causing you significant distress and harm, it may be necessary to evaluate your options Manipulative and wasteful individuals often try to provoke emotional reactions in others to gain control. By staying calm, you can maintain your own sense of control and make more rational decisions best wishes.

  5. Devil and the deep blue sea. Please keep your money. If he persists with his blackmail, ask for the Chief Inspector/Auditor of his bank, go and report him. Don’t reveal his financial recklessness, just report his disappearance from home and how he’s neglecting his roles. He will be called to order and, of course, will sit up. He will also be cautious because he knows you can expose him by revealing his financial impropriety, insider dealing, and parallel trading at work. It’s against the bank’s policies and professional ethics and could lead to big sanctions and dismissal. That he won’t want to happen to him for now, especially with his pending baggage of loans and other liabilities. My Mama used to say, “pikin wey no go gree make him mommy chop bellefull; she go kukuma cook extra cups join to accommodate his insatiability.” Please don’t lose your N2M by feeding his gambling addiction. Some bankers are like that. His family members are his slaves because they benefit from him. You should be careful of them. Have you informed your own people too? Since his people are aware, yours should also be informed in my view. So, the equation will balance. Who knows, someone he respects amongst your family members may call him to order. After all, you were not betrothed to him free of charge.

  6. Thank God you haven’t bowed to pressure by giving him the money.
    Don’t give him that money. You will regret it because he won’t give you a dime back.
    Stand your ground. Whatever his people say, don’t give in.
    If he goes ahead to divorce you, fine. Make sure he takes full responsibility of taking care of his children, while they stay with you. He will eventually come back begging, mark my words.
    I believe your job or business will go a long way in talking care of your needs.
    Live your life in peace of mind before someone cuts it short, please.

  7. I dey laugh ooo. You better leave that marriage before you get bp and die. A man that is into betting hadly quit betting.

    For your sanity seperate from him. Your husband is (NFA) No future ambition.

    Many people would have escaped bad marriages if they had lived with their spouses for 6months to properly vett them and be sure they are the right person to spend their life with.
    Some will say they are Christians and its a sin to live together without getting married. You have married the Christian way without vetting properly so stay in the Christian marriage.

    Pope.

  8. Dear Poster, one can appreciate that you are in a very tight situation

    Married and in love with someone who is a gambler and narcissist is tough.

    Good that she is looking out for herself

    If she still loves him… Best to keep ignoring his tantrums… Don’t give him any money… If you do… You are fueling his bad habits.

    Let him continue to cheat and misbehave… Just keep focus on yourself and continue to build some financial security for yourself

    If he eventually ask for a divorce… Don’t fight it

    Simply means he does not deserve you

    You are not to blame… You simply married a badly behaved man

    And yes… You can anonymously report him to his employers… They will check him and perhaps put the fear of God in him

    But if it backfires, he will be very upset with you

    This kind of man… Life will Humble humble him in future. I hope it won’t be too late.

    All you can do for now is protect yourself and your children….

    Love is not enough for this marriage to work

    Until your husband learns the hard way…. Protect yourself… Save more money… And be independent when everything comes crashing down

    It’s only a matter of time…. Make sure you are not tied to any of his debts

    You seem like a smart woman… Don’t let this situation turn you in to a victim….

    Brace yourself…. It will be hard but if you work hard…. With prayers…. You will Be fine

    Don’t fight the man anymore….

    Just ignore him

    Time and life will humble him

    Hang in there

  9. Dear Poster,

    It’s obvious that your husband has a lifestyle that has put your family in debt.

    It’s better you focus on yourself and kids.

    Invest in yourself more and reach any height that gives you room to fly higher with sufficient financial independence.

    There is a need to protect yourself from getting infected if you have proof of his cheating escapes. He wants to break you by denying you sex.

    If he doesn’t go physical or become too toxic for your mental health, remain there but be strict with your spending lifestyle.

    Do not give him any kobo.

    Don’t buy into their threat because if they succeed this time, it will become a routine and even with more threats.

    Get your family involved as well and be sure you don’t succumb to any little mind advice.

    Keep praying for his soul and a change in character. God will save him from such life.

    Be a watchman. Guard your home.

    Remember, the kids are your treasures and your defence is God and your financial backing.

    What if anything happens to him tomorrow( God forbid), can you service the loan? Is there any way you can be exonerated from his debts? I feel you need to know what you are fighting against and to what extent.

    God’s grace.

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