True Life Story: How Do I Get Married When I Cannot Have Feelings For The Opposite Gender
Good day Lively Stones,
I have struggled for a long time. I am still struggling now. even to write my story but I decided to throw this in an anonymous way , so I can see if anyone has a similar experience with my kind of challenge and how they overcome the challenge. The challenge I have is that I am or was a lesbian.
Yes, it all started in my SS1….as a teenager, I was struggling at home and running into problems with school, so my parents sent me off to the boarding house. I loved to dress like a tomboy, I loved sports and wanted to hangout but my parents wanted to tie me down at home. So, at the boarding house, the girls I met made me feel good about myself for the first time in a long time. I thought I had found a family that accepted me the way I am. I thought I was getting loved that my parents failed to show me.
That is how I convinced myself that I was supposed to be a lesbian. And for years, even after secondary school, into the university, I was practicing lesbianism. Until around third year in university, I began to feel guilty and felt dirty anytime I slept with a girl. I started crying and began to feel depressed. I was confused again…I thought I did not know who I really wanted to be anymore.
I thought of ending my life. It was hard for me to cut off the girls I hung out with. Especially because I was a sports person. Most of the girls were into that kind of life. I did not want to quit sports but I struggled. Eventually…I met someone who invited me to fellowship and that is how I got born again. I gave my life to Christ and even though it was not easy, I gradually stopped having an attraction to girls.
I basically, took almost a two years though before I can say I conquered that feeling. Since that time, even though I have not slept with any girl, I have not felt any form of attraction for a guy either. And that has been my worry. There are guys who have tried many times to toast me, I do not even get an inkling of attraction. Even if I watch a movie of a man and a woman having s3x…I have no feelings.
That is why I have been single since I graduated from university. My family are worried that I am almost 33 years old and I am not married and they have not seen any man around me. I feel dead inside when it comes to sexual attraction. But if I mistakenly see two ladies kissing, maybe in a movie…I get seriously aroused. I am worried…I decided maybe its not my destiny to marry and find love.
To the main issue now…there is a guy who is interested in me. We are good friends…since two years now…he was dating someone else when we first met. We vibe well, he likes my tomboyish style…never judges me…he thinks I am funny…we really vibe… but I never saw him as someone I could be attracted to. Then , he broke up with his girl…why? Because the babe found out that he is in love with me…so he told me his feelings…I was horrified. In fact, I laughed thinking he was joking.
Later on, he explained to me that he will not force me but give me time to develop feelings…its been four months since…he has been nothing but nice to me…I like him as a friend but like I said…no s3xual attraction…one time he tried to peck me…I pushed him away. I am scared. He is waiting for my answer.
My fear is, even though I like him as a very good friend, if I accept his proposal….what if I never be able to have s3x with him? What if I will never be able to fall in love with him? Should I tell him my past? That I was formerly a lesbian? Will that make him hate me? I want to get married cos I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life…but can I marry someone I do not have feelings for?
Please help me…I need advice…
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