True Life Story: How I Am Facing A Very Difficult Decision To Be A Second Wife Or Baby Mama
Dear Lively Stones,
Please pardon me, hide my identity. I beg people not to judge me. I am desperate and in love with someone else husband. Let me tell you how this started. Please be patient with me. Afam (not real name) and I were best friends in poly more than 18 years ago. He was my prep buddy, we did everything together, he was my confidant, and I was his too. Everyone said we were husband and wife but only us knew that nothing was between us. We were just very good friends and soulmates.
After my OND, things got tougher. I had been managing to go to school through selling of fairly used clothes in school. But I was also supporting my younger ones. My younger brother got admission to study medicine…my parents begged me to drop out of school, to work and support his schooling because he cannot hustle in school like me…he needed full concentration as a medical student.
I loved my brother and I felt if I helped him become a doctor, he would help my family. So, I dropped out of school but kept in touch with Afam. Afam did his HND and masters. It was during his masters that he married his wife. By then, I was into business and doing well. I had the dream of going back to school one day to finish up. But I got married to someone who was not earning so well either.
That was how, my business went into supporting my siblings, my husband and children. I kept school at the back of my mind cos I was making reasonable money. However, things took a different turn. My husband got into a lot of debt, drinking and womanizing. It was a very painful marriage cos I was paying his debts and condoning his bad habits cos I was taught a good wife is supposed to do so.
All these while, Afam kept telling me how his marriage was unhappy too. His wife did not like his family and for peace to reign, his family does not come to his house. His wife was yet to give birth and she kept telling people that his family was the cause of her barrenness. He kept telling me he regrets not marrying me, that he knows he made a terrible mistake. Well, we both believed all that was all in the past. We just encouraged each other, that is all.
Then a few years later, after my husband’s lifestyle ran down my business, he left me and the children. He eventually filed for divorce cos he got married to another woman. My stupid brother in medical school dropped out because of cultism. It felt like all I labored for in life was gone down the drain. I sold off what was left of my business and got a job as a teacher. I was being paid 40k every month. It was really tough.
As if I had not suffered enough, I was let go from my job during the pandemic. I tried to get back to teaching but no one could pay me the 40k…it was like there was abundance of teachers, they could only pay 25k or less. I took the job and tried to add business to it but it was so difficult. Afam used to send me money. He was my guardian angel. He would send me 100k every month without me even asking.
With that, I was able to stabilize with school fees for the children, but house rent was so hard, and I was ashamed to tell him. I was staying in a face me I face you one room. Afam visited Owerri a few months and he came to visit. He wept when he saw where I was staying. He immediately sent me 400k to get a new place. Later, he sent me 250k to furnish the place. Then he started to visit regularly.
I have realized Afam is my soul mate. We have been given a second chance and we do not want to loose each other again. Afam is a good man. He says he does not want to divorce his wife but they are no longer in love. He feels sorry that she has not given birth. They are barely tolerating each other. Afam wants us to get married, but I do not want to be the reason his marriage breaks up…I have been begging him to settle with his wife before we get married.
Afam has changed my life and my children’s destiny. Today, we are living well. Afam is like the father my children never had. He is so good with children. I always feel sad and guilty seeing he has no children of his own to play with. His wife does not even want to adopt. He spent millions on IVF until they realized her womb cannot carry a baby. The wife insults him and his family every day. Yet, she wont leave him…Afam does not just believe in divorce so he says he wants me to be his second wife.
This idea he to be a second wife does not sit well with me because I cannot be someone’s wife when the first wife is not in support. Also his wife has tried to commit suicide once when he wanted to leave the marriage years ago. So, his family and the wife’s family have given Afam permission to find happiness with any woman as long as his wife is nit aware. I am six months pregnant for Afam. It was not planned but our families are aware, everyone is encouraging me to marry him.
Afam loves me, his family adores me and my children. My only hesitation is: Afam’s wife. I know their marriage is as good as over and polygamy is also legal, but I feel that keeping the marriage from his wife would amount to living a life that is a lie and deceit. I need your advice. Why do I feel this way? Everyone else is aware and have given their blessing for our marriage…but we cannot let Afam’s wife know.
Should I agree with this idea of second wife? Every time I have S** with Afam, its very beautiful yet emotional for me, like, I am sleeping with a man that is not mine yet, I have the power to make him mine, yet I am the one hesitating because of a wife that does not love him or he her. Am I even making sense or no sense? My kids already call him daddy…he is so happy that he is finally going to be a dad and he does not want us to have a child outside wedlock when we both are so in love and our families are in support.
The idea of being a baby mama too scares me. This child deserves to be born in a legal home…so why did I get pregnant…I did not plan to get pregnant…when two people are in love, these things happen. Trust me, I fought this very hard. I took my contraceptives religiously, yet I got pregnant. Now, everyone thinks I am being foolish or proud to be hesitating to go ahead with the marriage proposal.
Am I slacking? Maybe I am thinking maybe Afam’s wife still loves him somewhere in her mind, maybe if I become his second wife, the chances of their marriage ever working out maybe completely gone. Afam thinks they would never love each other anymore because they have never really loved each other since day one. The marriage was because of pressure on the wife’s side. She was getting old, they met during their masters, she was already 43 then, Afam was 36. She practically forced the marriage on him and eventually separated him from his family for many years.
Some people think I am actually ungrateful, after all Afam has done to help us, I still haven’t agreed to marry him. I still feel hurt that after all I did for my ex-husband, he left me for another woman…will I be like that woman if I marry Afam? My case is slightly different I know because Afam is not really divorcing his first wife…like mine did but I need to hear from the house (lively stones) before I make up my mind for the last time whether to get married, become a second wife or just be a baby mama until Afam’s marriage is officially over or if the wife agrees to me being a second wife….
Am I being proud or paranoid?
Please advise me.
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