True Life Story: How I Have Endured My Marriage For 17 Years – Can I Be Happy For Once?
Hi Lively Stones,
I really need your advice here. I am a 45 years old married woman with five children. My youngest is 9 years old and I have been married for 17 years. There is an 8 years age gap between my husband and I. We have had a good marriage but we also had challenges here and there.
My husband cheated on me twice in our marriage. I choose to forgive him and stay in my marriage because when I met him, we both had nothing. We built our empire together, so leaving him would have been very difficult. I decided to bury the hurt and even when I think of it, I cry but I just let it go.
My husband cheated with a friend of mine 9 years ago and another business partner, 3 years ago. Yes, he apologized but trust that he will not cheat on me ever has disappeared. I think it no longer bothers me but it pains me to think that since we got married, I have been nothing but faithful and loyal to him.
Now, the reason for this post is because, I have a very good friend, he was my friend in the same youth fellowship before we got married and later became our family friend when I got married. I attended his wedding and his only child’s naming ceremony. This friend is someone that anytime me or my husband were in financial distress, we could call on him and he would come through for us. Its been almost 20 years of great friendship.
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His wife passed on from Cancer two years ago. Since then, he has stayed single even though, we have been encouraging him to find love again and remarry. It was his birthday last month, me and and his siblings who have become friends with us decided to throw him a surprise birthday party. He was really happy, he kept thanking me everyday.
As he was thanking me, on the WhatsApp chat, this friend whom I want to call TK told me that he likes me alot, that I have never noticed, that he has been in love with me since when we were both single and all through his marriage and mine. TK said he was too shy to tell me his feelings and when I told him was getting married 17 years ago, he was depressed but he was too scared to say anything to me.
To God who made me, I was shocked to be hearing this from this very close man who is so much like a brother to me and my husband and an Uncle to my children. He went on to say that even his late wife suspected he had feelings for me but he denied it all through. He said that is why he cannot let me suffer , he is always willing to help me or my husband or my children anytime or with anything we need.
This revelations by TK shook me. I now began to understand how kind this man has been. He literally would do anything for me and my family. Now I understand why he has such an unconditional love for us. I told him that I appreciate what he told me but he knows there is nothing both of us can do because I am still married. TK said he knows but he just wants me to know.
That was last month but since TK made that revelation, I have lost sleep. I cannot go a day without thinking of what life could have been with him as my husband or lover. I practically shiver when I think of TK. Is this love? Could I be falling in love with him. My thoughts towards him are very lustful thoughts. I am fighting the temptation to call him and tell him I am developing feelings for me.
I know I cannot allow myself to share my feelings with him but I am dying inside everyday. Why did TK have to say that he has loved me all his life? Did I miss God’s plan for my life in terms of life partner? Maybe if I had married TK, I would not have been cheated on. TK is a good and perfect man.
My head and my heart has been messing with me. Maybe because my marriage is dry now. Me and my husband hardly make love. Maybe once in like 1 or 2 months do we even make love. We live like room mates…no romance, no spark…just normal talk. The marriage is just there cos of the children, not for us.
What I am trying to say is, I am longing for TK. I do not want to cheat…I do not want to scatter my family but I want to be held and loved and told nice things and appreciated.
For the first time since TK revealed his feelings for me last month, he called to check on me and I was stammering like an 18 year old who is talking to her first love. TK sent me a message after, saying he is thinking of relocating to Canada because since he told me his feelings, he can no longer be himself around me. That he thinks of kissing me and making love to me. But since he cannot betray my family who see him as family, he wants to leave.
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I could not respond to his message. I read it every day. I cry because I am holding myself from saying anything because if I say anything, it would be…to beg him not to go …to tell him how I feel too…to end my marriage of endurance right now and not have any care in the world and just be happy.
Do I not deserve to be happy? Its been 17 years of marriage but almost 9 years of endurance…is this a sign from God? Perhaps, an opportunity to find the spark again in my life before its late. I am 45 but I do not want to be 85 and still be in a marriage of convenience. Is it wrong that I am thinking of my happiness?
What should I do? Should I let TK leave my life to Canada and loose the opportunity of being loved and being happy? Am I being selfish? Is this what they call mid life crises? Will I snap out of it or will I regret it for the rest of my life? Please tell me what to do.
Anonymous
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Dear poster, I understand what you are going through, what your husband did was 100% wrong, I will like to ask you a question: Ever-since your husband asked for forgiveness(Which I believe you haven’t forgiven him because you are still hurt), has he been faithful? If yes why don’t you work on your marriage and try to rekindle the love you both had when you first met…I understand you want to be loved and pampered, please dear try talking to him, you both can also see a therapist……….your hormones and heart are messing with you,…also what made you have the assurance TK would have been a better husband? TK is lonely that’s why he’s attracted to you, please don’t make the mistake of having an affair with TK, because TK will still leave you at the end and that’s the truth, please don’t let TK come in-between you and your husband, also find a place in your heart to forgive and love your husband again…. let TK go and reduce/cut any form of communication with TK until you are strong enough to resist him……but if you feel/know your husband haven’t been faithful till now, then you can take legal steps to dissolve the union, but don’t move with TK,…I also want you to know something, your happiness comes from you, the decision is yours to make dear…peace….
Please work on your marriage, create the spark and love that you have ever wanted and wished for. You have five children remember,please rebuke every lust you have for TK ,the fact that your husband cheated twice is not enough reason to run to another man’s arms. Stay faithful and remain blessed.
A man that is friends with your husband and telling all those nonsense is an irresponsible man and must be discarded quickly. It seems to me you were trying to justify nonsense with your write up.
No matter how bad your marriage is, any man that says such nonsense to you should be blocked and forgotten, you have him the guts by not scolding him, and please don’t use the i deserve to be happy, its a lie from Satan, Satan is a deceiver, don’t fall for him.
Please delete his number and block his number too, such must not be entertained, if you don’t block him and delete his No and delete his chats, you will keep reading them and trust me you will call him and tell your feelings.
You are warned. This man here is an agent of the devil by he doesn’t know, Satan wants to destroy both of you, don’t allow him to succeed.
Tell you husband, let him know the man he calls friend, pls tell him, show him the chats so he eill know its the mans fault.
You are warned.
Dear poster, plz read this two advice above and act on what was said. There’s great wisdom in it.
I will also advice that you talk to Jesus about what is exactly in your heart. Just be honest, open and sincere about your feelings cuz He knows already, so just tell Him the way it is and I’m sure He’ll also lead you in the way you should go.
God bless you in Jesus Name!
If truly TK loves you,he should have told you even b4 the death of is wife,the truth is, I don’t see him marrying you,he would have is way with you,and tell you,he can’t marry you,in the sense that what will people around say,marring his friends wife,with 5kids already,and the supposed husband is still alive.you both will keep having love affair in secret and decide to end it someday to avoid disgrace.