True Life Story: I Need Help Because I Don’t Enjoy Making Love With My Husband
Hello Jzhane,
I wanted really bad to attend the May Lively Stones webinar yesterday because I am facing serious communication issue with my husband. Unfortunately, I went out and came back very late yesterday, so I have decided to share my story for advice. So, I and my husband have been married for going to two years now, everything is fine in our marriage except for 2 major issues: no 1 is, its almost two years of marriage, we are still trying to get pregnant, but it has not happened yet.
This issue of getting pregnant is mostly me that its bothering. My husband says I should stop worrying myself because its just two years, that whenever God decides to give us a baby is fine. But this is what leads me to the second issue which is, I suspect my husband is cheating on me…now, I don’t know if he is cheating on me because I am yet to get pregnant or because he is not happy with our S** life.
The issue with our S** life is that my husband is very rough when it comes to S**. From the first time we made love, he has always been rough, like someone who wants to rape me. I was not a virgin when I met my hubby, but I bled when we made love, I thought it was I had not hard S** in over three years that made me bleed but after several times of S**, I was experiencing pain and complained to him. He then agreed to be more careful.
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However, after several months of marriage, he started being aggressive in lovemaking, he said he cannot pretend in his marriage, that he likes rough S**. Sometimes, he would choke me, I will be gasping for breath, everything with him is rough and I feel sometimes dehumanized after S**. When I complain, he would say, I am being selfish, and I should not blame him if he starts going out to sleep with women that will give him the kind of S** he wants.
This really pained me and made it difficult to make love to my husband. Sometimes, its not lovemaking….its actually raping. He showed me p*rn videos to explain why he likes rough S**, its like BDSM but its not that extreme, he does not tie me up with ropes or beat me up with whips…but I told him I can’t cope. For him, its more of using force to thrust, pulling my hair, just the aggression…and sometimes choking my neck until I even gasp for air.
I try to make it with first round but when he wants second round, I can’t keep up, I actually refuse him second round. That was when I started noticing he stopped bothering me but he now put password on his phone so I can’t have access anymore, that is why I am suspecting he is cheating on me. He comes home very late on the days he cheats…when I ask him where he went, he will say, I don’t think you want to know…I asked him if he is cheating, and he says I have no right to ask him that cos he has a reason to cheat, and I know it’s my fault.
This issue is bothering me cos my husband thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing. He said I am behaving childish and selfish. I try to take pain killers before and after S** but I am wondering how long will I continue to endure this? I love my husband to the extent that I actually enjoy this kind of S** cos I am getting used to it but I can hardly walk after S** for like two days. It really makes me weak and in body pains. Maybe I am really a prude.
Once I went to hospital cos I hard waist pain, they doctor did a scan and saw nothing. He kept asking me if I did anything strenuous to get the waist pain…I had to whisper to him that it was S**. The foolish doctor started smiling sheepishly and said your husband dey enjoy…that made me think men think the same way…my pain did not matter to him, he just prescribe massage balm which I used and it worked but we are back to square one when we make love again.
I don’t know how else to communicate to my husband that this rough S** is not good for my body. Sometimes, I allow it especially when I am ovulating cos I am trying to get pregnant. But it feels like I am putting my body under too much pressure, that I cant even get pregnant. I feel sometimes, this man has even literally shifted my womb. When I really need my body to rest, I don’t care….I tell him I am sick. He will then say ok…but I know that ok means he is going out to get S** outside.
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Another thing that is making this bad is my husband’s friends…two of them actually…they talk dirty all the time, they talk about fcking women like sluts, and it makes them high, especially when they are drinking together in our house. They hail my husband as king of pssy. Can you imagine that….I can’t even ask these guys to advice their friend cos they are all in the same boat, their wives probably enjoy it so they won’t understand me when I am complaining.
Even my own friends think I am making a mountain out of nothing….they say I am being a prude, that my husband is so S**y. That I should take alcohol and get high so I will not feel any pain when hubby is driving me like a bull. My friends think I need to become more adventurous and stop complaining before someone snatches my husband from me cos I don’t want to give him the kind of S** he wants. Maybe they are right cos I think I am not a very strong person if I was strong, maybe will not be complaining.
My husband even once said I should be happy that I married a man that can please a woman like him…but is it only about pleasing during the moment? What about how your body feels after? My husband said any woman who can walk after S** has not been f*cked right. I swear, I did not know my husband was pretending when we were dating, I would not have married him…yes, I love him…. but we both just have completely different mindset about S** and that is a big issue for us cos I have done everything I know to do to communicate this issue to him.
This matter is making me sad…I need your advice…how do I deal with this matter permanently? Please note that I am very sure my husband loves me, so I don’t want to leave him…I just need advice on how to make him see reason with me…how do I change how a grown man likes to f*ck? If I try to change him, he leaves me alone but I know he is getting it from outside…how do I bridge this communication gap…why can’t my husband change his style for me?
Anonymous,
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Ur husband love rough S.e.x and the fact is Ur husband has been consuming hard core porn before he met u or rather his former girlfriends used to like it rough and it got so used to it ,that he sees it as a normal way of making love now .
I am kind of surprised because many ladies not all tend to love the rough , aggressive S.e.x minus the fact they have to bleed because of S.e.x ,I do not think any woman would want that part .it is more complex when u fail or u do not properly address issues during courtship and u are thinking of addressing in marriage ,once u say I do it means u are totally ready to accept the good ,the bad and the ugly that comes from being married to him .
Ur husband should be able to understand u regarding the S.e.x ,S.e.x isn’t supposed to be self centered it is two people coming together to have pleasure and satisfying each other ,if one person is enjoying the S.e.x and the other is suffering from the act then it is no longer S.e.x but direct representation of rape .
U need to find a way to make Ur husband understand u ,but first the organisation of Ur marriage has been scattered , because now there is a possibility he is getting S.e.x outside .,which makes the issue more complex .
U have lesser choice first u have to convince Ur husband to stop engaging in hard core porn ,until u can do so u can’t stop the habit that is fueling his aggressive S.e.x ,his too much engagement in these hard corn porn is what is fueling his aggressive S.e.x .
But that might be difficult because until a man is ready to change ,u can’t change him u can only try Ur best , the best advice I can give is that u and Ur husband need to see a therapist on S.e.xual matter , because both u need it .
But until then u have to give him what he wants ,before any woman would replace u before u realise it
You need to learn how to be rough with your husband when it comes to love making,that is the only way your marriage can work, moreover you said you love him and you don’t want to leave him.
This is what he wants,you either adjust or you take a break,he even goes out to get it,he can even do without you sef,huh!
If those girls can give him rough S.e.x outside,then you have to adjust and satisfy him biko,don’t allow him infect you before you adjust to his style ooo.
Peace
After reading your story I think you guys didn’t have S.e.x before the marriage and also you guys didn’t talk about your S.e.xual preferences since you two were not having S.e.x it’s key to talk about it its very hard to find someone with same S.e.xual preference as you hence the need to talk about it here is my suggestion when you think he is Ina good mood try to talk to him in a subtle way and explain your pain to him in the best possible way that you can secondly him cheating and saying it’s your fault it’s immatured because there is no excuse for extramarital affairs if you implore that it doesn’t yield anything talk to your religious leader so guys can sit to talk all the best
He said the husband pretend during the courtship na. Read well again please
Hello,
Welldone for sharing your story.
S.x was created by God for the married to express love to each others bodies without shame in a caring manner.
This new method of s.x of flogging, strangling one’s partner, inflicting pain, domineering etc. making something that was suppose to be a beautiful experience become self centred and projecting to the world as normal, this is not from God. S.x should not leave one bleeding if it’s not one’s first time and constantly in pain.
The enemy tries to corrupt what God gives, shows all these through porn creating this imbalance if this is new territory to you so He can go and get his satisfaction outside.
You’ll need to draw closer to God, take your husband as a prayer project for him to draw near to God and for God to take away every adulterated appetite in him.
If your husband surrenders to God and allows God work on Him through the washing of the word, gradually the appetite for s.x in love and not beastly love will be restored.
Love is not self centred.
All the best