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True Life Story: Is My Boyfriend’s Sister Trying To Warn Me Or Scare Me Away?

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True Life Story: Is My Boyfriend’s Sister Trying To Warn Me Or Scare Me Away?

Dear Lively Stones,

My name is Vera (not real name). I need advise about my boyfriend’s sister and our entire relationship. I am 36 year old single mother, I divorced my husband after four years of marriage. The divorce was a set when the marriage turned abusive after I found out I was pregnant with my second child, another girl. My husband was always upset cos he said he did not want a girl, he wanted a boy. He asked me to abort the pregnancy but I told him it was too late. So, he took it that I was disobedient to him. Every day of the marriage became a living hell.

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The beating and verbal abuse got so bad that I decided to leave, I filed for divorce which was finalized last year. He moved on and married another woman even before the divorce was finalized. In February of this year, I connected with my ex boyfriend who lives in Asaba. We chatted, told him I was divorced and he told me he was still single. Things progressed, we discovered there was still feelings there and he wanted me to give us a second chance.  Later on, he invited me to come to spend holiday with him in Abuja. So, I sent my children to stay with their dad while I went on this trip to Asaba.

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Lets call my ex Chuks. We didn’t date for long before my marriage…..we dated briefly but things didn’t work out then between us. we moved on to other people soon enough. Chucks welcome me very well to his place, and told me to feel at home. His younger sister is also living in the house because she is schooling in the state university and her brother is the one sponsoring her. This girl does not like me and she made it known as soon as I stepped into the house. She made it known that her brother is not ready to marry cos he is still training her and her siblings in school and most importantly, the brother can’t marry me cos I am a divorcee…that its a taboo to marry a divorced woman in the village.

This bothered me so I told Chucks. Chucks told me not to mind the sister that she is just a kid. That because she is very close to him, she is very protective cos she does not want his attention on another woman. I tried to be friends with this girl but she never gave me a chance. When I tried to cook, she told me to leave the kitchen that I am not a wife girlfriend, that I am an ordinary ex that his brother will use as rebound.

Use as rebound? I asked her what she meant by that? She told me that the brother was engaged to be married just last December but that the fiancé dumped him for her boss.  I was upset that Chucks didn’t tell me that he was dumped and he was about to marry only last December but Chucks is explaining that he was embarrassed to tell me a woman dumped him for another man just days to his wedding.

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Well, I accepted Chucks apologies. But this girl got angrier as she saw me in the house and saw that me and Chucks relationship was going well. So, she started making up lies to upset me. She would come in at night, begging to sleep in her brother’s bed cos she cant sleep or had a nightmare. Can you imagine a 19 year old girl begging to sleep with her almost 38 years old brother cos she had a bad dream?

I had to tell Chucks that if he cannot control his sister, that I cannot be in a relationship with him. What Chucks said really made me upset: he said he is shocked that as a mother of girls, I don’t know how to be patient with a young teenage girl who needs to look up to me as a mother or big sister. Chucks said he feels I complain too much and I am impatient for someone who is divorced , that if I complain too much, remarrying may be difficult for me.

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The words Chucks used really hurt me and I told him I am a grown woman, I am not begging him to marry me. So, I told him I was leaving the next day. He immediately began to beg me and tell me to forget what he said, he said that just wants his family to be peaceful. I know its not easy to be accepted into a man’s home where his family are very clingy but Chucks made me feel like everything will be ok.

After that, I began to ignore the sister whims just so Chucks will not feel pressured and all that. Our relationship is going well, after holiday, I went back to my base here in Lagos.  Chucks is already talking marriage and coming to meet my people. I want to get married but next year cos I just left one marriage, lets give some time before another marriage. Chucks agreed. We agreed to wait till next year.

A few weeks ago, Chucks sister sent me a lengthy rant, saying she is warning me to stay off from her brother, that she is doing women supporting women, that she knows I am a fellow woman like her but she wants me to know that any thoughts of me marrying Chucks will not work. She said even her brother is cheating on me with on me with his married ex. That I should not mention that she told me but that she saw the married ex in her brother making out in their living room.

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That they would have made love but that her brother stopped himself cos he is a good man and he does not agree with sleeping with a married woman. I replied her message that she is a sadist who is trying at all cost to break up me and her brother. Then she dared me to ask her brother whether the ex was in his house or not. You see, I am not a baby…so I dared my boyfriend and asked him if his married ex was in his house a few days ago. Chucks kept quiet and asked who told me. I told him its his sister.

Chucks admitted his married ex was in his house, that she came for a f*ck cos she was having regrets about how she dumped him…that he thought he still had feelings for her so he got carried away with her kissing him but he eventually got himself and stopped. That is exactly what his sister told me. But Chucks is saying his sister went too far for telling me just cos she does not like me and so his sister must leave his house.

Now, I am facing two problems and I need your advise: Chucks wants to drive the sister away and the girl is cursing me and blaming me for coming in-between me and her brother, the whole family is on her side and calling me names. The second problem is, if Chucks allowed his ex to kiss him…how do I know that it will not happen again? It seems he can’t control himself around her…and finally…how do I know he is not sending the sister away so she will not tell me if Chucks sees his ex again?

All these questions and problems are giving me a migraine. I need advise. I am here in Lagos, just very worried that things may go very wrong for me and Chucks if care is not taken. I am already in love with Chucks. Chucks says if I doubt his love for me, then lets get married immediately. Well, what if I marry him and actually be his rebound….to confirm that he is really not over that his ex but at least I secure my place as his wife.

Oh God…I cant believe I am in this position. I promised myself not to get into any complication after my first marriage. But see what is happening…what do I do? Marry Chucks as soon as possible or keep worrying that he still has feelings for his ex? How do I deal with the situation of his sister and the family ganging up against me cos he wants to throw her out?

Please advise.

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

4 COMMENTS

  1. Dear poster,no road for there. See potopoto everywhere for the ground wey you one march.
    If I were you,I will just invest and take care of myself and children.

    Don’t rush and make another mistake,your first husband never loved you,you probably rushed into your first marriage,calm down,take a chill pill,don’t rush the process.

    Whoever loves you should not give you condition or make you feel they are doing you a favour by marrying a divorcee. Being a divorcee is not a death sentence biko

    Take a break and relax,make you no go dey explain tire without evidence nne. Chuks family go show you shege banza pro max, infact you go chop premium breakfast and dinner join together,look road before you cross because egungun dey for road,so you gas becareful.

    The Lord shall direct you and make you find favour

  2. Please leave that guy alone! He and his sister are not telling you the truth of what’s between them and what’s happening with him and his married ex! He’s not yet ready for marriage! If he’s ready, his 19yr old sister wouldn’t have the guts to talk to you like that! Something more is fishy! There’s more to these things you see that meets the eyes! Back off and watch from afar!

  3. Your best bet is to kill this emotion before it gets you into trouble.

    The red flag should be yielded to before you get yourself into a situation that may tale your life.

    Chika isn’t done with his ex. His sister is watching her own back and I see a young girl willing to frustrate your life and union.

    True, Chika might be using you as a rebound but his emotions aren’t for you now.

    Do not hurry into this marriage to prove any point.

    You need to focus on yourself to become better, heal better and be fully ready for another marriage.

    It’s a pity that you are in such a situation but you must not force yourself into Chunks life.

    Plead with him to leave the sister to stay.

    However, end what you share with him. If he can set things right and return, you may take him back if your are up to it.

    For now, let go and focus on yourself and building a source of income.

  4. there are many good reasons not to remarry too quickly. One of the biggest is not having taken time to learn from the demise of your previous marriage. If you have not taken the time to unpack what caused your last marriage to fail, you may be setting yourself up for failure in your next marriage. If you believe the problem was your spouse, or your situation, you may not take responsibility for your own role in the end of the marriage and may carry the same thought patterns, coping mechanisms, and communication skills into the new marriage. When pressures crop up in the new marriage (as they inevitably will), you may find that you are no better equipped to deal with them.

    Also not disregarding the misbehaviours from your spouse’s family calls for you to be careful and probably slow things down to avoid unforeseen and unpleasant circumstances in the nearest future.

    On a related note, you also need time to heal from any hurt or trauma you experienced in your previous marriage. Being with someone who is kind to you after being with someone who was cruel to you may make you feel like you are in love. But even if you are, you need to address those old wounds so you are prepared to interact with your new partner in a healthy way. As a wise person once said, “If you don’t heal, you’ll bleed on someone who didn’t cut you.” Take the time and action necessary to heal yourself so you don’t get hurt again or drive away your new partner.

    If the reasons above aren’t enough to make you put the brakes on remarriage, take a moment to think about your kid. Since you have young child, it could be confusing and upsetting to them if you remarry quickly,

    Remember that your kid had no control over your divorce, and they have no control over whether you remarry. If they act out, it may be because they feel powerless to express their emotions any other way. All behavior is communication, and your kid behavior may be communicating that they need you to slow down your plans to remarry. None of this means that you should never remarry, just that you shouldn’t move too quickly.

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