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True Life Story: My Head Screams Red Flag But My Heart Is In Love


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True Life Story: My Head Screams Red Flag But My Heart Is In Love


Hello Lively Stones,

Please share my story; I am a 27 year old young lady, I am mentally ready to get married . I have a good job and doing well for myself. I have been in a few relationship but I decided to take a break for a whole year because I want the next relationship to be the one that leads to marriage. So one of my friends posted her birthday pictures on Instagram and I made comments and liked her photo.

That was how, my friend’s brother saw me and slid into my DM. His name is Stan (not real name). Since then, this guy has been asking me out and I have been acting not interested. He seemed nice, we chat…now we talk almost everyday. Sometimes he sends orders nice things and sends to my office because I don’t want to give him my home address….now everyone in my office are teasing me cos this guy also buys me flowers unlike most Naija guys.

My friend also told me how her parents are on her brother’s case to get married, so I know he is ready for something special. Eventually, I agreed to go on a date with him after chatting on phone for almost two months. We met at a five star restaurant and he really treated me like a queen. He also kept staring at me, saying he is stunned at how beautiful and intelligent I am. He asked me where I want to get married: Paris or Dubai…I was in my feelings already….he was saying all the right words.

Our first date and all following dates was  always perfect and magical. The chemistry was also very strong. I wanted to kiss him, to sleep with him but I always acted like a lady around him and I wanted to make sure this was about marriage. Stan always held and kissed my hands but not my lips. I eventually introduced him to my family. They were quite impressed, my parents felt he was a well raised man and very handsome.

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And then, one of my friends, Freda (not real name) that went to same school with me, flew in from South Africa where she stays now. We were catching up on stuff and I told her I have a man in my life and I think he is going to propose very soon. She was ecstatic for me and asked for his picture. i showed her the picture and she said, he looks familiar. I was like ok…how do you know him….she said she cant remember.

Later on, she remembered and was like….ha…it cant be….I was like….what do you mean? She told me that she and Stan hooked up in SA a few months ago. From the time she described, it was like a week before Stan slid into my DM. I was like, well, you guys hooked up before we met so its fine. My friend then said she is not sure Stan is a husband material. I asked her why she said that…she replied cos the guy is a player.

This made me more curious….I asked Freda to tell me what she means by he is a player. Freda was hesitant at first but seeing I was really into Stan, she said I have to be careful before I say I do to him. Freda told me that Stan had a threesome with her and another girl. Freda is a very extroverted and wild girl…hearing her say she had a threesome with a guy is not new…she is half American, she has done worse while we were back in school.

This revelation from Freda hit me like a lightening bolt. I became worried and suspicious. I started looking for way to confront Stan. I started giving him attitude and he noticed. I told him I was not sure about us anymore. That I found out he is a player. Stan was like…what do I mean…I told him one of my friends have slept with him in a threesome. He kept quiet and said…which friend….I refused to tell him so he said…he will respect my wishes if I want to break up cos I don’t trust him enough.

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That really broke my heart…cos Stan never tries to force anything….I wanted him to not give up so easily but at the same time, I wanted him to prove he is not a player. I cried and told him I will let him know what my decision is by the end of the week. I have spoken to my close friend in confidence, she advised that I share my story on Lively Stones cos she has met Stan and she thinks he is genuine. My girlfriend also feels I should remember Freda is a wild girl, and so maybe she is jealous and still wants to smash Stan. I can’t confide in my parents, they are conservative people, to them, anyone involved in something like threesome is considered a sinner from sodom.

My issue is…he didn’t deny that he had a threesome before…I want to ask him if he will do it again …but in my heart…I feel even if he says no….does that guarantee he will not? I think such things are about a person’s personal values. I spoke to his sister that is my friend…she was like…I should know there is no guy is a saint but she knows her brother loves me and he will cherish any woman he marries cos he does not play with his sisters and his ex girlfriends.

My spirit is not at rest…I love Stan…I feel I should overlook everything he did before we met but my head is kinda warning me that love has blinded me to see that Stan has the potential of being a guy that will have a threesome in our current relationship or marriage relationship. Yesterday’s story on Lively Stones shook me…the one the man pretended not to like rough S** only to demand it during marriage. My biggest fear is, even if Stan says he wont do it again….what about in the future? Prayed that my next relationship would lead to marriage…when Stan came into my life, I believed strongly, that he is the one God sent to me…why is this happening? Is this a test from the Lord?

I sent Stan a long text…I poured out my heart to him…telling him I love him and i know he loves me…I told him I need him to assure me this threesome thing is not a lifestyle….that I don’t care what his past was but I worry about the future. Stan did not reply my message for almost 6 hours after reading it. When he responded, he said he is does not go looking for trouble, trouble comes looking for him….meaning he is not the one pursuing girls, its girls that pursue him. He also said that he is disappointed that I have trust issues with him, that he has shown me that he is into me and me alone, he was hoping I felt that we had something special…but that since I am the one with trust issues…that I should deal with the trust issues cos he cannot tolerate drama.

What does he mean by tolerate drama? Am I being dramatic? I think Stan is also upset with me…or why is he so calm and not even bothered by all of this while I cant focus on anything since. Why cant he just swear and say he will never cheat on me or have threesome…he can say something like that and I will be more reassured…instead of making it look like I am the one with trust issues…isnt that Narcissism or am I really the one with trust issues? I have never had any reason to doubt Stan before now.

I feel maybe Stan and I need to go through counselling but will that even change someone who does not see anything wrong in his actions? Will he be influenced by professional therapy to change his love for threesomes? Or is this the end of our perfect relationship. I feel like my heart wants to burst…the thought of breaking up with Stan is making me feel like I can’t breathe. How do you break up with someone for their past? Stan has never hurt me since we have been together for almost seven months. I need help and advice.


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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Miss?
    I no you love❤️ this guy call stan and I also know you really want the best man for your self and your unborn children and that’s why you are taking your time to, so you can meet the best man. But from my analysis on the basis of your story Stan is a player. You will be heart broken if you break up with stan for sure.but please be strong and break up with him now because if you continue and it eventually leads to marriage the pain go larrrrge……….. but if you break up wi him now it will be Beth for you. Because Last last you gonna be all right.

  2. From your story He is not denying He had the threesome right? In which case, although it happened before He met you, His response is was not reassuring that it won’t happen again, apologetic etc.

    Under the circumstances, you cannot just brush this aside and go into marriage. If you do, You may get married to Him alright but He may not be the faithful husband you want and you can’t blame him then because you saw this flag.

    My advice is be strong. It is the future you are thinking about here, this is a red flag not be ignored. Wipe your tears, you are still single and beautiful, pray to God to bring your spouse to you, keep your decision to be celebrate, keep mingling and the right person will come along.

    All the best

  3. Dear poster,

    Why do you love Stan? What are the qualities he possess? Don’t tell me because he has been buying you flowers and treating you right,that is why you love him,if you really want this relationship to lead to marriage,there are other things you need to look at for.

    You need to take a break from Stan,he is not into you,he is not ready,he is not committed,him no send you at all. He doesn’t go looking for trouble means he has many girls at his beck and call.

    Face your work,pray to God for a godly man,don’t be in a hurry to marry,you are 27,you are still young,why the rush? Abeg be calming down ooo, marriage is not for the weak.

    God bless you

  4. I think you don’t know Stan enough that is why you are surprised by some of the things you heard about you.
    As per whether he won’t cheat or have threesome when you are married, you don’t have guarantee of that and he can’t promise you that.
    Thank God you know his tendencies before marrying him so be ready. Do not rush anything. Get to know him more and decide how much baggage you can handle.
    Finally learn to breathe without him. Na shoulder you go put man because he go still vex you.

  5. The red flags are enough.why will you want him to re assure you it wont happen again? when a man is telling the truth , why do some women want to hear lies!!
    Please if youre troubled by these revelations , its enough signs for you to know more will come and will trouble you in marriage to Stan.
    l assure you ,Stan will do threesome and more worse things in marriage. Thank God hes silent and calm , its enough sign for you. He is only meeting the needs you psychologically lack, that is someone to treat you right. Thats who a Player can be to any lady, but God is faithful to give their preys signs that they are fake. Thisthreesome is your own sign, dont take it for granted please..
    Talk to yourself and call it off. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. i hope you find advice given helpful.


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