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True Life Story: Please Help-I Have Been Having Panic Attacks & Anxiety About My Marriage

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True Life Story: Please Help-I Have Been Having Panic Attacks & Anxiety About My Marriage

Dear Lively Stones,

Please advise me. I am feeling jealous and upset, having anxiety about my marriage.  I don’t know how to act. So, this is hard for me. Two or three years after we got married, there is this woman who came to our church. she claimed she was a widow with seven children and that things were difficult for them. The church made an announcement for people to help the woman and her children. So many people donated to her, some help her set up her small provision shop.

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At that time, I have two small children and I needed a house help. So, I asked if one of the woman’s daughter’s could be our maid so she can be paid to earn some money, in addition to whatever the mother was able to make from her small shop. That is how this woman’s daughter, Dorcas (not real name) came to live with us a maid. To be honest, Dorcas was very hardworking and she loved my children, she took care of them very well.

Dorcas lived with us for almost a year until one day, one hot Saturday afternoon, I was taking a nap. Hubby was in the living room watching a match. I asked Deborah to feed and watch my first child while I was napping with my baby. Somehow, I woke up and wandered to the sitting room and saw that the TV was on but hubby was not there. I then wandered to the children’s room and saw the most horrifying images of my life….Dorcas and hubby were on my child’s bed and were having engaged in a heavy make out session.

I screamed and lost my senses for a few minutes….my child was even sleeping beside them. Hubby was desecrating my home, our sanctuary…..and even my innocent child…..sleeping beside their despicable act. I felt my world crash ….it was horrible…I cried for days….hubby kept begging. He said there was no penetration but that was not my concern. Of course, Dorcas had to leave…her mother was very sorry but blamed my husband….she was a 17 year old so hubby was the main blame here. Dorcas mum sent her away to stay with her grandmother in the village.

I thought my marriage was over. For months, if not for the church intervention, our marriage was over….I almost moved out but I thought of my children. Hubby said it only happened once but I don’t believe him for one minute. That year was a very bad year for us that I cant remember how I survived. Its been 4 years ever since but trust for hubby has never been the same. I never brought any other maid….I managed until I broke down several times.

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Life gradually has moved on but guess what happened, few Sundays ago, during church service, I noticed a young lady who was dressed in very flashy dress with red colored hair….it turned out to be Dorcas. When I saw her, I panicked. According to what I was told, she has returned to Lagos. I felt destabilized cos she brought back painful memories. I tried not to dwell too much on this situation but when we were going home, my husband’s phone kept ringing and he was not taking his call. I did not recognize the number either.

I asked why he is not taking his calls and he said its cos he is driving…so I asked if I should pick it up and place on speaker for him to listen, he said no….I left the phone but when we got home. Hubby called me into the room and told me the call was from Dorcas. I asked him how he knew, he said she texted him when he did not pick up her call. Hmmm…while I appreciated hubby for telling me about Dorcas….I became paranoid as to why she was calling him. So, I asked him and he said he does not know and he does not care to know.

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You see, this response from my hubby seems like someone who is trying to prove that he has nothing to do with Dorcas or have any intention of doing anything with her….I am still worried. I told my husband that I will call Dorcas and he said there is no need, that we should ignore her. That he is going to block her line. I told him that is not enough but he said, I can do whatever I like cos no matter what he does, he sees that I do not trust him. That hit me. So now, he is saying I don’t trust him. Making me feel bad. So I left the matter.

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I saw Dorcas again in church yesterday. I began to sweat with panic and anxiety. I could not focus in church through out. I feel like I will not be able to relax until I confront this girl, I want to look her in the eyes and ask her why she called or texted my husband. I feel like beating her for daring to call my husband. I am suspecting everything my husband is doing now that she is around. I am not at peace. Please advise me…what should I do….I am loosing my sanity.

Anonymous

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Jzhane
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

6 COMMENTS

  1. Dear poster I want to be very brief on this. The truth is there’s no mistake in cheating it’s has always been a decision for one to cheat, it takes stages and one step after another until you finally did it, so he’s definitely hiding something, you as the wife just pray and be at peace with yourself everything will unravel soon before your eyes.

  2. Aunty, please relax and let yourself be taken care of. Dorcas probably wants to come back, but with your husband’s assurance, I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt, with adequate control in place. Don’t leave the situation unchecked. If you wish to speak to Dorcas woman to woman, since she’s grown now, you can talk to her like a younger sister and advise her of her wrongdoings if she had intimacy intentions with your husband and explain the spiritual consequences. Thank God you met in church. Open up to her about the fact that she is inviting God’s wrath and an incurable generational curse upon herself as well.

    The truth is, no matter what you do, if they both still desire to “meet and greet,” they will. So, please take things easy. Enough of the palpitations, anxieties, and panic attacks. Take control of the situation and manage it proactively.

  3. .Madam, you need to calm down and give yourself peace of mind so that you can think and act right and also not to break down.
    You have no business confronting Dorcas. The person you have issues with is your husband.
    Although he has told you he has nothing to do with her again, obviously she still wants something with him.
    Tell your husband to report to the Pastor what happened last time and how she’s trying to get back.
    If your husband is telling you the truth, he will not hesitate to do that.
    That will put her in her place and clear the air about your husband’s stand.

  4. My sister be observant and prayerful don’t give of any attitude. Bt with prayers God will show you the truth, God who showed you the first time would do so again. Trust him…

  5. Dear Poster,

    It’s natural to feel how you are feeling and even more.

    When trust is absent or bruised, to trust again would be difficult.

    But, I will advice that you get your pastor or the wife involved before or while addressing the girl( if you must talk to her) I don’t see that as necessary at the moment.

    But you need to give yourself peace and pray continuously for your husband and marriage.

    Stop overthinking the whole thing. Let God in and have no fear whatsoever.

    The girl is too small to loose your peace of mind over her. She should be the one to panic not otherwise. Keep your mind on trusting yourself while being observant and prayerful.

    All the best.

  6. Dear poster I understand the situation can be frustrating Just be honest with your partner.

    There is nothing wrong with not being in the mood.

    There is also nothing wrong with having different sex drives.

    Some partners have lower and higher drives than others.

    To have sex everyday is a bit excessive though, bordering on sex addiction.

    Like I love my spouse and she is the most gorgeous woman in the world but for me 2 or 3 times a week is more than enough.

    It doesn’t happen often but there has been a few occasions where my fiancee suggested sex and I refused saying I wasn’t in the mood.

    Also don’t let your partner guilt you into sex. I have heard people assume that if you don’t have sex regularly then you don’t love your partner.. that is nonsense.

    Relationships are about spending time together and doing activities together as well as supporting and assisting each other when needed.

    Communicate your feelings and concerns to him you can offer him different sex experiences like handjob etc it mustn’t be penetration always

    Also If he needs help let him undergo some counseling session to guide him through any addiction whatsoever

    But never give in to the advice of getting a sexual partner for him it might not end well

    Best wishes the lord is your strength

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