True Life Story: This Is Why I Am Afraid Of Getting Married After Years Of Dating
Hello Lively Stones,
Please hide my details. I need help on how to handle a matter with him. I met him 4 years ago during service year. He is from a wealthy family and he schooled abroad all his life but he had come back from abroad to do youth service which is a very important requirement if you have to work in this country. After his camp experience though, he was posted to work in one of the biggest oil companies in Port Harcourt.
We met in camp and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He said he had never had a Nigerian girlfriend before. He is very cool and very s3xy and very handsome too. I could tell alot of girls were dying to be with him. Ours was a very wild relationship. He likes to f*ck very hard. It was exciting for him, His energy was something else. I had never had any s3xual experience like this.
Lets call him Tega. Tega liked to see himself as an alpha man…liked to dominate during s3x. Like I said, I never experienced this before but the excitement was fun. Then a few months into the relationship; he told me he wanted to film us f8cking. I told him no…never. He begged and begged and I refused cos I know the dangers of having a s3x tape. It can be ugly and all that.
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As we were ending our service year, Tega proposed to me. He actually flew us to Mauritius for the proposal. I was in dreamland. I was marrying the most handsome and rich guy. It was too good to be true. After our engagement, his family met my family and his parents were very happy that their son was finally setting down with a Nigerian because they were afraid he was going to marry a foreigner having been abroad all his life.
After our service year, I moved in with Tega as we started planning our wedding. That was when I discovered Tega was into drugs. He did Marijuana. He told me he just takes it cos its legal abroad. That its like herbal tea. To me, I now understood why he liked to f*ck like he was raping me. Even though I did noy like it but I believed him cos I know hemp is legal and some people actually take it like its tea for them.
When our issues started was when I found out Tega had set up a camera in the room and was filming our s3x life. I was mad at him for that. He got angry and asked me why I was so upset after all, we are getting married. He called me local girl. That having a s3x tape with someone you love is no big deal abroad.
In my head, since he is my husband to be, then there is no big deal right? So, I relaxed and he started deliberately filming us. I admit it was very exciting and I told myself, its s3xy and we are keeping our romance alive by doing this. Tega enjoyed watching our tapes alot. One day, he jokingly said, do you know we can sell these tapes and make alot of money. I was like, God forbid, these are privates and not for porn.
A few months to our traditional wedding, I travelled to the village to see my family to make the arrangements. When I returned, I met the shock of my life. Tega had two girls in his house. They were doing drugs and having s3x. They were high and drink and Tega was not even sober enough to even realize I was back. I was livid and started shouting and crying.
I called Tega’s mom and she came to see us immediately. She chased the girls away and she sent Tega to sleep off his drugs. His mother then began to beg me. That I should not tell anyone this. That Tega struggled with drugs and s2x abroad and that was why they sent him back to Nigeria and threatened to cut him off if he does not settle down in Nigeria. They thought being in naija will help him stay focused.
That was when I told his mom about Tega making s3x tapes of our session. The mother was like, I should not do it anymore. She promised to help me find the tapes and destroy them. I told her I was not going through the marriage anymore. She begged me not to abandon her son cos he loves me alot and maybe God can use me to change him. I was scared and confused.
The next day, Tega was so sick from the drugs. He was vomiting everywhere. I was cleaning his mess. His mother sent a nurse to put him on drips to flush out the drugs. It took him 3 days to fully recover. That incident scared me so much. I demanded from Tega to submit our s3x tapes to me and he laughed saying he has uploaded them as porn.
That was when I told my parents and they agreed that we break up. Tega and his family were begging and begging but I was done. How can I marry someone who filmed me having s3x and uploaded it as porn. Tega said it was a lie, that he was playing with me. He sent me the s3x tapes…But it was too late. I was not interested anymore.
That was almost 2 years ago. There was no day that I did not get a message from Tega begging me, telling me he was back in rehab and he was sober and no longer doing drugs or s3x. He sent me messages for 6 months. His month would call me once in a while and tell me that I deserve to come back, that Tega is clean and that she wants me to enjoy what I suffered for. To her, after I suffered with Tega, I should reap the fruits of my labor.
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That Tega and his future wife will be partly inheriting alot of wealth. That is the condition that she and her husband has given. That Tega must marry a responsible girl who they are sure can stand by him. I told her her to give me some time to watch and see if Tega has really changed. While this was happening, I dated a guy briefly for like seven months but it did not work out. I think I am still in love with Tega.
That is why I need your advice. I have not spoken to Tega or his mom until March this year. She invited me for her birthday. I went and saw Tega. He looked well. He chatted briefly with me and told me he was doing well, he looked well. His mother also agreed that Tega was doing well. The mother told me there was a girl hanging around Tega but she does not like him cos she is a gold digger.
After that, we started seeing each other again, trying to revive our relationship. The other girl was not happy, she even faked a pregnancy for Tega but Tega said he never slept with her. When they ordered a pregnancy test, she disappeared. Its been 3 months and going, Tega is asking me to marry him again. I love this guy alot. He has changed, no more drugs and even s3x.
Maybe because I have refused to move in with him until marriage, so no s3x as well. I am afraid of him filming us again. I can see but truly I wonder what the future holds. What if he relapses? Do you think I should give this marriage a chance? I really do not want to be hurt again. My father is not yet on board on the marriage issue but my mom is fine for us to go ahead.
Tega’s mom is also putting pressure on us. Saying she fears Tega might get someone else pregnant if we delay more cos there are always girls trying to flirt with him. I don’t know what to do. I feel I should say yes and agree to marry him but in my heart, there is a certain fear of the unknown.
Please advise me.
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My dear follow your heart,don’t allow the inheritance of Tega’s parents blindfold you,don’t marry Tega because his parents are wealthy and have promised heaven on earth.
Has Tega changed? Has he totally stopped doing drugs? What if he goes back to it after marriage,will you be able to cope? If you know you love him and can deal with all of these,please go ahead,but if your heart is not accepting this marriage,please kindly walk away.
You deserve peace in your marriage, check well,if you are not convinced enough to go ahead with the wedding please take a break, make sure you seek the face of God before agreeing to marry anybody.
God bless you
There are enough troubles in marriages already, even in the most blissful ones, lest talking of entering one with red flags.
You have made mistakes but i must commend the way you stepped out for upto 2years. its commendable, hope you dont get silly to be having pre-marital sex with a man again.
Reading your story, i sincerely feel for you: being in love with a Mr Charming with a distorted character!!
However, theres more to marriage than looks and the feeling of love. Love disappears at some point and what may be left is just commitment and the will to make it work by all means.
Are you ready for :when love disappears?
if you are, then you can weight your options ,work with his mother and go into the marriage. i know of a few marriages that were “worked with the mother in- law” and they are thriving relatively.
So, you may tie your going into marrying this man around your ( and his) parents consent. especially your parents, YOU MUST GET THEIR CONSENT!!.
This is because when the chips are down,(it ll sure be at several points with the history of this man) you ll sure need them.
But on the flip side, since you dont have peace in your mind, that is another red flag you need to pay attention to. its about you, youre the one who ll wear the shoes. Dont just give the family space, give yourself to prayers for forgiveness and direction.. The voice of God comes with peace.
It ll be well.