True Life Story: What Should I Do With My Husband’s Confession?
Hi Lively Stones,
I am a woman of 44 years old. I have a successful business and 3 children, married to a man that had nothing when we met but by the grace of God, we have achieved everything we could have imagined. We have every reason to be thankful except that I am not happy in my marriage.
Like every marriage, we have our ups and downs and somehow managed to get through it. However, I noticed about four years ago, that my husband’s interest for s3x was declining. This was a man that was s3xually active all through our dating and 11 years of marriage. It started with him coming in less than 3 mins of intercourse and he blamed it on stress from work and traffic.
To be honest, I did not think much of it but it began to affect us that in a month, s3x deteriorated to once or twice a month. And when it happened, it was less than 3 mins and he would start to snore. It bothered me cos I was still very much interested in s3x. I suggested lifestyle changes and some natural remedies for hubby but he refused to take any.
At some point, I thought it was not just stress but age related. So then, I gradually began to learn to stop bothering him and find small means of pleasuring myself through masturbation. That is far from the real thing but it provided some comfort. It started gradually and it has become a habit and an addiction.
It has become something I do every day else I will not be myself. And then, my husband did not help matters…its like s3x for us…that 3 mins s3x now became once in 2 or 3 months. I tried to talk to hubby about the situation but he looked at me like, is that all you care about? I quarreled with him about it. I demanded we go see a therapist, he refused and so I decided to go see a therapist myself.
From therapy, I got some good counselling on self love and finding healthy ways to deal with the lack of s3x situation. It was not enough but it took my mind off my lack of s3x problems for a while since I did not think it was enough for a divorce. Since my husband was not interested in s3x, I did not mind indulging in some alcohol sometimes…I really was just trying to be a little happy.
Of course, I hid the alcohol from hubby cos he would never allow it. I tend to go off when I start drinking and become drunk quite often. So, two months ago, I was really unhappy…I was in depression….my life with all I have accomplished felt worthless. I began to drink and it was getting bad. My phone rang and it was my neighbor, a nice man who’s family recently relocated abroad, he wanted me to come move my car cos he was going out.
ALSO READ: Confessions Of A Neglected Wife:My Husband Prefers P*rn Over Me
I was able to tell him that I was not feeling well but he could come in and take the car keys and move the car for me. He came in and saw me in a drunken state and was really worried. I just burst into tears and started telling him about my life….my sexless marriage, my husband’s lack of care, my addiction to porn and masturbation and drinking.
It was embarrassing for me but he told me not to give up and throw my life away, instead, to find happiness and reason to live again. I told him I could never dream of happiness without divorcing my husband but he told me that if my husband was not taking care of my s3xual needs, then no one would blame me for looking out. That was the first time the idea of cheating came to me.
That instant, it felt like a logical thing to do. I asked him if anyone would want me at my age and he said he would want me. Nothing happened that day but I felt relieved after talking to him and we began to talk more and more until the apprehension to sleep with him took over me. I planned it carefully, I did not go to work a particular day …waited till everyone had gone to work…slipped into my neighbors apartment, and without saying anything….gave myself to him and that began our affair.
This man was lonely with his family being away…I was lonely from neglect from my own husband…so it seemed like we were both helping each other. Until, my husband began to suspect. I mean, if a woman who used to be sad becomes very happy all of a sudden because she was getting good f*ck….you would notice even if you were blind. And then, he began to question my movements. He had no idea that I was getting my action from inside the compound….no need to go outside…my f8ck buddy was just next door.
And that confused my husband to confront me and tell me the reason he had not been really interested in s3x with me…he said he was sorry but he could not tell me before. But now, he is seeing that I am definitely cheating on him with someone and he wants to tell me what happened so I can be careful.
That was when my husband confessed that four years ago, he had an affair with someone, someone he did business with. And it was wild and crazy but he ended up getting HIV. And he did not know initially…but he eventually confirmed it and he has since been taking drugs that affect his libido and he does not want me infected hence he has been staying away from me s3xually.
The cry that I cried after….for almost 30mins…I was crying. Like this whole issue is because my husband already cheated before me, and then caught HIV,….and didn’t tell me….so who even knows if I am infected? He said he does not think so cos he has been watching me and he thinks we stopped having s3x like five months before he tested positive. My husband is asking me to tell him if I was having an affair and wants me to end it cos he does not want me to make the same mistake he made.
I am confused at my husband….does he really care about me? Instead of him to think of how to repair our marriage….our s3x life….he is telling me a story of his own indiscretion and asking me who the person is…is this a trap? Is this his way of telling me why he caused all the pain I have been through this past four years?
My head is spinning and all I can think of is…this marriage is over. I cant trust my husband…I am having an affair because of everything he out me through and he has the nerve to tell me he is HIV positive after cheating on me….deceiving me all this while. I feel so angry and feel like telling him I am cheating also with my neighbor but I feel he may just be setting me up…maybe to make me confess but what will he gain from that?
I think any love I have for my husband just faded….with this his confession and I do not know what to do….my mind is telling me its over….what else is left in this so called marriage….only our children but with this situation where we have both hurt each other…is there any hope for the future? Should I trust my husband after this? I have done my HIV test and it was negative so far ….so now….what do I do after my husband has told me why he stopped having s3x with me?
Should I ignore him and continue with my life, the way it is now or divorce him cos I feel nothing but pain and betrayal…..I keep wondering if my husband told me this confession just for me to feel sorry for him and get me to be sad again cos he obviously sees that I am happy now that I am getting attention from a man outside of him….
I told my neighbor what my husband said…he thinks my husband is just feeling jealous that his abandonment is no longer affecting me and so he wants to use emotional blackmail to make me feel bad for trying to find my own happiness outside of him….could that be true? I feel so angry and upset….I do not know what to think anymore… is this an indication that my marriage is truly over?
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Thank God you are not infected, I thank God for your life.
If you know you are no longer interested in the marriage, rather than cheat with your married neighbour,call your husband’ s attention and tell him your mind, whatever he says will determine your next line of action.
Stop sleeping with your neighbour,repent woman,you might get caught,be careful and respect your children, respect your husband and give some respect to your body.
For now,get busy and be responsible…….
I’m grateful to God that your test has come back negative. There are lessons to be learnt from His story though, having s.x outside marriage with a spouse that is not committed to one man one wife relationship can land one in the same place your husband has found himself now.
He didn’t do well by cheating, keeping this information from you these years or even having s.x with you after he found out his status without your consent even if his ability to pass it on was lower with the drugs he started taking. Seek medical advice together.
Cheating with a married man is Adultery with grave consequences. Please repent and resist that temptation. Block the mans contact, move out of the house or let him move out, don’t be alone at home. Telling your husband who it is may break the man’s marriage should he reach out the his wife.
The decision on whether to remain in the marriage is yours to make. The Holy Spirit can help you forgive with time, are there other things your husband brings to the table like being a good Father to your children , supporting at home? Can you manage to contain your sexual needs and find other ways for him to pleasure you without getting into you ?
Why do you women always run from accountability. You can’t blame your husband for your adultery, you made the choice to commit adultery, your husband didn’t make you do it. Adultery is an planned intentional wicked act, it can never be a mistake.
You are just as irresponsible as your husband, and that man you are committing adultery with doesn’t care for you, there is no love in adultery.
Stop deceiving yourself sister. Hold yourself accountable.
This is why I always tell people, your happiness is in your hands not anyone’s hands.
I wish you well