My Husband Has Neglected Our Marriage Because I Aborted His ‘Son’
Dear Ma,
I need the house to advise me on this matter. I am really pained about the situation. My name is Miriam (not real name). I am from the middle belt. Married to a man from Delta. We met here in Lagos about 11 years ago and got married 9 years ago.
We have three children,all female children. Giving birth to these children has been the most challenging times of my life. Its only by God’s power that I survived the ordeals. Let me start from the beginning. My first pregnancy was a very bad one. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant,I became sick.
My sickness was supposed to be the normal morning sickness for pregnant women but I ended up spending 2 months in hospital and bed rest throughout the pregnancy. I had all kinds of problems,BP,seizures,anemia,etc…just name it. I finally gave birth to a premature baby boy around the 8 month.
My baby was in the ICU and in less than 4 hours of birth, the baby died. The doctors could not understand what happened. It was a very horrible experience for me. I almost died.They said the baby lacked oxygen but they tried to give him oxygen but he still didn’t make it.
After about 8 months. I got pregnant. The same experience. I was in and out of hospital. My family was praying and fasting. They were afraid I would die. When I finally gave birth through CS, my baby girl came out and in another less than 4 hours was gasping for air.
Thank God…there was a specialist there who quickly took charge and they were able to save my baby. I went home and all was well. I got pregnant again under a year. Again, sickness started. Note, I am not a sickler. I am AA. But soon as I get pregnant,all kinds of sickness come upon me.
It was another battle for 9 months. I was like a skeleton. I was barely able to move. The doctor advised us to stop trying to have babies after this one. I gave birth again through CS and it was a baby boy. My husband was elated. His family was happy cos I had given them a boy.
That night….the baby started to cry uncontrollably. I was alarmed. I called my husband cos I was alone in the hospital that night. The baby was rushed to the ICU again. Even though I was in pain from my CS,I went with them to the ICU to the extent that the stitches removed and I started bleeding.
I fainted and by the time I woke up…my son was dead. I could not understand anytime I have a son…that I loose them. I was ready to take my life. Now…the doctors even warned us to stop having children at this point or I loose my life.
My family began to suspect something was wrong. To the best of my knowledge,I do not hold grudge with anyone…neither do I know if I have offended anyone. Why do I keep loosing my sons? After a traumatic pregnancy? I was inconsolable cos I thought I would never be able to have children cos the doctor said we should stop.
I was placed on family planning. And Things gradually went back to normal. Two Years later,I fell sick. I was always having seizures. Eventually they ran a pregnancy test and me and I was discovered pregnant. I was surprised cos I know I was on family planning. The FP failed me.
Here I was …pregnant again…against the doctors advise. I was scared but also hopeful. Hopeful that this pregnancy would give me another son. By the 7th month,the scan showed I was carrying twins.I was very sick and under admission. Prayers were going on for me around the clock.
My babies were taken out as soon as they were 8 months in the womb. I had 2 lovely twin girls. They were placed under intense observation in the ICU. I was also in the ICU cos I was in critical condition. Finally,we were discharged two and a half months later.
Now,I have 3 girls. God has been merciful to me. I promised myself never to get pregnant again but I had to change my family planning cos the coil failed me. I started taking injections which had me blowing up very fat. I eventually stopped and begged my husband to be using condom.
He always failed me with the condom…I had to fall back to the coil again. My girls are 6 and 2 years. During the lock down,I started falling sick strangely. I was afraid I had the corona virus. But it eventually turned out to be pregnancy. This time, I knew the devil was at work. I cannot be pregnant. I knew this would kill me.
I told my husband I wanted an abortion. He said no. That its a sin. So, I reminded him what the doctors said. And when I went to see my doctor,after examining me..he said…madam..why are you trying God? You should be alive to train your children …stop trying to kill yourself.
So I told my family..they supported me having an abortion. My husband told his mother…she now said she has taken my name for prayers and that the revelation says I will survive this pregnancy and I will have a boy. I was like…so its a boy that is important to them? Not my life?
In June, I was so sick…with seizures that I was rushed to the hospital. I was in induced coma for 2days. When I recovered, I could barely speak. I called my family and told them to help me…I got an abortion. I choose to be alive and not die. Even if its against my husband’s wish.
When my husband discovered I gave permission for an abortion,he went livid and threatened me. I felt really bad…all he wanted was a son??? He later calmed down after some people spoke to him. I was discharged in July. Since then, our lives have never been the same.
My husband has never forgiven me. He barely talks to me. He has changed. And I suspect he is seeing someone else. I am pained and I feel like leaving this marriage. After all my sacrifice…after all I lost. I lost 2 sons…I almost died. I gave him three daughters….yet he treats me like this?
I cannot continue like this….I went to meet the mother to complain to her…do you know this woman blamed me for my sons’ death? That I should search myself. That I must have made a covenant with somebody in my past…that is why my sons keep dying…That I brought bad luck to her son…by depriving him of having a son…that I aborted his son because the prophesy said I was going to have a boy…
I asked her what if I died…is it only sons that are worthy children? After all my ordeal every time I am pregnant? She said women go through challenges through child birth…that I will give birth like Hebrew women…that I should try again to get pregnant.
My mother in-laws words hurt and still hurt. The lack of compassion…I do not deserve this…if this is how my husband and his family feels…what more am I doing here? My family is prepared to help me start all over if I decide to leave because they prefer me alive than die by trying to give my husband a son….
I have been thinking…what is the best thing for me to do….remain here and continue to be treated so badly,to be blamed and called all sorts of names or leave for my peace of mind?
Please advise me…I am really exhausted. So sorry for the long write up…
From Miriam
Photo Credit: mcleodhealth
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Madam please for your safety and to nurture your kids, ignore him and his family. For now leave the house temporarily to your family house to have peace of mind. Whether he calls or not, whether he checks up on you guys or not ignore. Focus more on your girls and yourself. Have fun, give thanks and praises to God.By the time he realises his mistakes , (hopefully it won’t be late for him), you and your girls would have made it far in life.
Also, pray to God to bless you and the work of your hands. Whatever mother in law said ignore her, and pray to God to surprise them by giving you a miracle that is difficult to believe.
I read your story with a great pain in my heart. I express my sympathy over the losses you suffered and the cold treatment you are receiving from your husband and in-laws. I will go straight to my submissions. First is that from your story ,you have a very caring and supportive husband. The challenge started because the nature of illness you experience while pregnant and subsequent loss of two male sons. Your husband loves you ma. The main problem is societal perception over the place of a male child ,and the unbearing influence of your mother-in-law. Your husband has not matured enough to pull himself away from the maternal strings of his mother. Depending on his age, exposure and family structure this can be a hercluian task. No man becomes a full man until he wins this battle of separation from his mother’s overbearing influence. It’s not an easy battle. Women are very queer and manipulating. Truely your husband appreciates your sacrifices but he needs a son too. If he is matured enough he will not wish to expose you to harm or death further. He needs to give you all the necessary emotional support you need for now. But the mother has taken over the battle and she is fighting it the women way! What is the way forward?
Continue to love your husband and try to fight for your home. Befriend him the more and draw him closer. If you achieve this, other options like adopting a male child can be looked into. Overtime prayerfully you can still conceive a boy,under close medical care and have a son. Please don’t fight your mother-in-law. Keep a distance from her and keep showing her Love. Let God fight your battle. But if your marriage becomes abusive and a threat to your life or that of your children, please leave immediately. I hope that your husband will be able to extricate himself from the mother’s clinched fist.
How close are you to God. Please draw close to the Bible and see what a God we have. Smile for I see a librated and joyous future. Thanks
Ma’am please move out temporary from that house. Your husband and his family do not wish you well. Focus on yourself and your girls. Do what makes you happy. Be prayerful, this too shall pass….
Ignore him and be as you please
Babes move out to your family cos you need all the help and support right now..
It’s very painful what your mum in-law is doing to you right now but just try and ignore her.
You need to love yourself and your girls right now.. your life is more important right now.I pray your husband realizes his mistakes..
Hello Madam,
So sorry about your ordeal. This must be traumatic.
But I thank God for the strength and courage you have to decide that you matter in life and you want to be alive to take care of your beautiful daughters.
Every child is a gift from God…boys or girls…its sad that some people do not appreciate that fact.
Your daughters are as valuable as a hundred sons…you need to know that your husband needs to know that…
If he chooses to treat you bad because you refused to put your life in danger to bear him a son…..a son you are not even sure you will have….what if the next pregnancy is a girl? what if yo die trying to have another baby?
If your husband and his family refuse to see reason…leave them alone. Stay in your marriage and focus on raising your lovely daughters.
If the pain or depression tries to set in…you can take a trip to heal and recover. Go somewhere people are genuinely happy to have you…maybe relocate to join your family. Thank God you got their support.
Work on getting stronger and better…get yourself a job or build a business…and focus on your happiness.
Only pray for your husband and his family to realize their wrong doing one day.
Even if he marries another woman …please do not let him get to you…your happiness should not be built around him…
Their behavior is hurtful and you deserve better.
Stay strong…you are a warrior for all you have done…now,your girls need you alive to be a role model for them to see as they grow. So they too can know that they are valuable as girls.
How you react…will greatly affect your girls’ perspective to life…let them see you take life in strides and overcome all your adversities.
You are strong…beautiful and your best life is ahead of you…do not let anyone stop you!
I am routing for you girl…we all are…we are so proud of you.
God bless you.
Ahhh madam you are a very strong woman and God loves u a definition of a mother..I feel your husband has been supportive for so many years but he blind to see that a girl child is a fortune…I come from a family of 4 and all are girls and we are doing great not having a boy doesn’t make our parent or us less so plz work on ur happiness dont allow them kill you for your children they are still very very young and they have alot to do if you die your husband will marry another and what will happen to ur 3 beautiful girls ..think about that and focus on ur kids forget ur mother inlaw if u cant take it move out with ur kids becuse I dont advise divorce
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