True Life Story: After Trying To Save My Marriage-Is This A Sign From God To Move On
Dear Lively Stones,
I am 28 years old and am facing the most difficult challenge of my life as my marriage of four years is about to collapse but it’s like God is showing me a sign so I need your advise on what to do. So, I met my husband in my 300 level back then in Adamawa state Uni. He came to do his NYSC and he was posted to dad’s school to serve. We became friends cos he appeared to be a very responsible young man. My dad loved him cos he was one of his very dedicated corpers who taught very well.
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After his NYSC, he told my parents that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me. Even though he had nothing, my parents saw him as someone with potential. The only thing they asked him was for him to wait for me to graduate before marriage. So he went back to his state and later got a marketing job in Lagos. With the job and me having graduated, my parents allowed us to marry.
My parents were very supportive, they planned our wedding cos they knew my husband did not have much. But that was a big mistake cos now, I feel my parents made it too easy for my husband right from time. But no one knew things would go bad cos everything was fine even after the marriage. I moved down to Lagos to be with him. There was little money coming in but we were fine, we loved each other.
However, when I got pregnant and had twins, everything changed. My pregnancy was hard cos I was with twins. It was challenging cos I could not do most of the wifely duties during my pregnancy. Then when I gave birth, the bills and challenges of raising 2 young children with a salary of less than N150k was very hard for us. Again, my parents stepped in. But my husband took the easy way out. He started cheating on me with Sugar mummies cos he is a fine man, ladies flocked him alot…
Instead of him to work harder to get a job, he preferred to sleep with other women who pay him for s3x. This drove a wedge in our marriage. The trust was broken, I had STDs many times, and when I demanded he stop cheating, he would say some hurtful words like he regrets marrying so young, that I did not allow him enjoy life before marriage. Me, did I force him to marry me? He is 30 years old and he feels he was too young to marry when he did at age 26 while I was 24.
We have quarreled many times, my parents always trying to settle us until he warned my father to stop interfering in our marriage. My parents respected his wishes and stayed out of our marriage but they were very disappointed cos this was not the same man they knew when he came to serve in our state. Our marriage issues have moved from cheating to abuse and violence. For peace sake, I was advised to stop doing anything to annoy him.
So for the past one year, we both live as strangers, no s3x between us, he does not provide financially for me or my twins. He goes out to f#ck other women, returns drunk. He bought a car and has never allowed me enter the car. I think he has a sugar mommy sponsoring him now and she wants to send him abroad. He told me in December that I should start planning to go back to my family cos he will travel abroad before the end of March this year.
Somehow, the japka thing did not work. He and his sugar mommy are not together…but there are still other women in his life cos I see how he behaves. Anyway, did I mention that I got a contract job last year that I have been doing but I was recently fired cos the economy is so bad…it was a marketing job, I could not meet up my targets especially with two small children with no house help. So after everything, my dad asked me to come back home last month.
My husband does not care and he is even happy that I want to leave. I am very sad and I cry every day. At my young age, my marriage is crashed and after having such a big wedding just a few years ago, now am going to be a divorcee, back in her parents house? As God would have it, I met someone in our church, he is a single father. One of my friends introduced us. She said he is looking for a wife. His baby mama is abroad and left their son with him. I see him with a small boy of about 4 years in church sometimes.
So my friend does not want me to go back to my parents place…she wants me to marry this man. You see, everything about this man seems ok…he looks like he is doing well for himself. When I met him, I asked him why his baby mama left,,…he said they never planned to marry, she got pregnant and he wanted to do the honorable thing by taking care of their son but she wanted to travel abroad and she left their son with him.
I am beginning to like this man. He has given me the courage to start my divorce process with my husband. Thing is, my husband has not been coming home for almost 3 weeks. Only God knows where he is….our landlord told me our rent expired since and if he does not get his rent money, we should pack out of the house by end of this month. My husband does not care…he says I can do what I like, that we are no longer a couple.
So, right now, its like am getting stranded…so this guy in church said I should come and stay with him. I dont want to but I have no choice….the few times I have visited him, he has tried to have s3x with me…he was upset that I was saying no to s3x…told my friend that I am acting like a virgin when I have 2 kids already. I had to remind him that I am not yet divorced but he is getting impatient…make me wonder, if he really cares about me or he just wants s3x? I am even surprised I am not down for s3x with him cos I have not had s3x in almost a year plus…why am I not mentally ready?
Do you think I may still be having feelings for my shit husband?. Do you know that I am sometimes very horny but I dont know why I dont want s3x with this man yet…Yes, legally am still married…but me and husband has not lived as man and wife for almost two years. He is the only man I know sexually…he disvirgined me. Right now, I need a place to stay cos our rent is due. Husband does not even care where his children will live when the rent expires. This man says I can come stay with him but he cannot guarantee we will not have s3x with me cos he cannot pretend not to have feelings for me. I know he is a man and I like his honesty but I am not mentally ready to have s3x with him…what is wrong with me?
My friend said I should not allow this man loose interest in me cos he is single and other girls are eyeing him. I even saw him last Sunday after church, he gave a ride to some girls after service. He was angry the last time we spoke and he said he wanted to give me space to decide if I want to move in with him or not. This guy knows girls are flocking him but he says he does not want these small girls but a mature woman cos of his son. He was even toasting my friend before me but my friend told him she cant be with a man with a child cos she does not want any baby mama issues.
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That brings me to the second issue with this man. Apart from the pressure to have s3x with me, I see the way his baby mama calls almost every time…she calls to check on their son but when she calls, she talks to the man for almost an hour. To me, I feel they still have an attachment towards each other and with them having a son together….that attachment will never go away. But I am desperate hence I need advise. I have barely a week to move out of my husband’s house.
Should I agree for this single father? Is this a sign from God? How do I prepare my mind for s3x with him? And finally, how do I manage with his baby mama in the picture? What if she returns in future? Will he have anything to do with her? I am not sure I can handle another cheating marriage. Please advise me, what should I do? Should I move in with this guy, is this guy God’s will for me? How come he just came into my life now that my marriage is over? Is this God’s intervention?
Or do you think I should go back to my parents home and face the shame of a failed marriage? To be honest, I do not want to go back to my parents, I know they too are going to be ashamed that after they threw such a big wedding, their first daughter is divorced. My younger sisters are getting married…I don’t know if I can bear it, that they are leaving home while I am returning home. The shame is just too much. I need advise fast.
Anonymous
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My candid advice is for you not to rush or be in a hurry to enter another man’s welcoming arms for now, go to your parents home is there something new under the sun people would talk n keep shut, get a job n forget about men in general and build a life for ursef and kids while prayerfully asking God for directions. Till then
Dear poster, kindly go back to your parents’ house to avoid more drama…
Go back to them, that’s the only place safe for you and your twin children right now.. Don’t be in a hurry to process the divorce papers,you need to be ready for it,so calm down before you take that decision… It’s well
Kindly go back to your parents and forget about that man.. What that man will do to you will be a child’s play compare to what you ex had done to you already.
The man is even a lady’s man like your husband.
Please don’t rush . Go back home
Dear post,l really sympathize with you it’s not easy to be in your shoes.Marriage is not for the faint hearted, your parents thought they were helping you by providing everything for you to get married forgetting it’s you who will be in the marriage and will face the consequences.
The deed has been done please keep your legs close ,that man is a wolf in sheep’s clothes looking to feed on your desperate situation.Go back to your parents better you endure whatever life will throw at you than being with that man, he will just use you to satisfy his sexual pleasures and dump.
Please seek therapy so that you can be strong to fight for yourself and your kids, you are still young, you can change the narrative of your story.Turf times don’t last but turf people do last,it will get better with time,God is till on the throne.
Dear poster,
Having a failed marriage is better than losing one’s life. There’s no shame in it.
Kindly go back to your parents house. It is only temporary. As for your husband, he will come back begging. Just make sure you are emotionally and physically ready for him when he comes begging.
Don’t move in with the single dad in your desperation. You may be jumping from fry pan to fire. Don’t be led by your feelings and emotions but be led by Spirit of God.
Whatever you’re going through is just temporary. It came to pass.
Shalom!
Hello ma, i appreciate you already…..this is my encouragement please take courage by going back home to your parents and restart…see the man needs a woman for release when his baby mama comes back he will send you packing…..be strong go to your parents and let your twins have a positive family background thank Godfor the gift of twins….now heal work and let God be in charge you are not down but a winner
Please don’t move in with him yet. Kindly recover from the shock of your marriage.
You can get an apartment if you are too ashamed of moving back to your parents place.
For your sanity, don’t let anyone rush you. You will only have more regrets.
My sincerest advice to you is that you dont need a man for now. You need to go back to your parent’s home. You need to heal and forgive yourself and ex husband. Get a job. Focus on your children. When that inner satisfaction and joy is there, if you want to give a relationship a try, go ahead. If you enjoy being alone, please be. Never rush into another relationship. This is still a fresh wound and you need to heal. Your children needs you physically, mentally and emotionally. Learn from this failed marriage.
Dear poster, I have few advice for you it’s either you. go home especially for the safety of those blessed kids and yourself because, you need time to be sure of what you are doing also, for the right reason and the right person. whatever experience at home it will be temporal compared to any other further damage that may involve you in a relationship that you are not sure of even your parents may be more disappointed at you for it if they find out. On the contrary if both of you are ready to commit more seriously to the relationship it may be advisable to involve spiritual counsel from church authorities that you both attend concerning the issue on ground for proper guidance and clarification on the issue pending the time all will be finalised for you guys to be together as husband and wife. as for accommodation the church should be ready to assist you and your kids pending the time all will be sorted out but don’t live with him. The process should allow both of you earn eachother trust during the period it should enhance healthy boundaries and clarity on the relationship to be sure it was made from above. Best wishes dear
Don’t rush into marrying or moving in with him , cause you do barely know him and his character. From what I observed.
firstly he is going to cheat on you (girls flocking around him and him toasting your friend even infront of you is a mark of disrespect to you)
secondly asking you for sex immediately is a big sign of a man that will cheat on you. He isn’t over with his baby mama trust me on this cause the signs are there.
Thirdly he will verbally abuse you and know this,he is not going to marry you. He is only looking for a sexual partner to take care of him and his son.
Take your time and plan your life don’t rush into this relationship before you will make another mistake.
Since the first husband is not longer interested in her
She needs to calm down before taking another action and decision regarding marriage with the new found man
So it won’t be from frying pan to fire, there are actually signs, signals and red flag the new man is giving already such as cheating/womanizing tendency or still in love with the baby mama.
Moving in(co-habitation) with the due to her accomodation issue isn’t also advice able as it weaken her will and moral to say “NO” to sex
I feel the best option is to separate from both men(former and new), travel to her family, start all over again, pray for wisdom and God’s favour till she finds her feet again and get a good man
My own opinion though✅
Your husband let you and your parents down, betraying your trust and love. However, don’t move in with the new guy. Instead, take your twins to your parents and focus on getting more education, learning a trade, or starting a business. Achieving financial stability is essential for supporting yourself and your children. In time, a sensible and mature man will come into your life, and you can plan to divorce your husband and remarry. Don’t let this situation break you down. Life has its challenges, but you are destined for greater things. By God’s grace, you will get there.
Return to your parent house and prioritize retracing your steps back to God full time. Sometimes, we think our security, prosperity and wellbeing are in the hands of men….and we make loads of wrong decisions because of that mindset.
God have your back anytime, all you need to do is re-anchor your faith and hopes on Him and see how everything turns around.
Wish you all the best.
Dear poster,
Na your marriage fail you no kill person
And it’s not your fault that it failed.
Issue of people’s opinion about your marriage should be the least of your problem now
Go back home. I believe with help and support from your parents you can start all over because they have been supportive from day one.
Forget the new man
All he’s looking for is someone to give him free sex hence the pressure of moving in with him
His major concern for you now should be what to do to help you find your feet so you won’t be at the mercy of men.
If truly he loves you as he’s claiming, he should be thinking of going to see your people to do the needful but there he is pressurizing you with sex because he’s aware you’re sex starved.
His baby mama being very active in his life another big red flag.
May you find courage to move on without both of them. Amen.
Please,go back to your parents house. Yes, I must be very direct with you.
There’s nothing like shame of a failed marriage when you are saving your life. The moment abuse of any kind, (mentally or physically) enters a marriage, the victim should run for her dear life.
The single father is no different from your husband. If not worse.
Give your husband chance. For now, focus on yourself and your children. Better your life. You can acquire skills and venture into new things. Make your life sweet for YOU.
Love God more now and be there for your children. God knows how to settle you.
As for your husband, wait for it. You will hear his story with this kind of life he is living. He can’t eat his cake and have it.
Even the prodigal son went back to the father and more than a million dollars was use to organize well come party with world leaders in attendance. In your case you are not prodigal but a product of failed marriage from an exuberant husband. Your story is of crass empathy and not your making.
From your submission you have good parents that are supportive and will always stand solidly behind you.
To pervent the shame and going back, talk to your parents let them support you first to secure accomodation. Then front a business that you can manage and take care of your children. Put them in a cheap school close to where your accomodation and business is situated to avoid unnecessary stress.
Concentrate on the business and your children and avoid men and sex that will further compound your problems. Rediscover your potentials. As a woman buy cucumber of your size to be satisfying you any time you are horny.
While you are recuperating your life, divorce your husband. He will ruin your life once he discover you are reconstructing your life so-dont allow him in your life.
If your parents are in a position to look after your children, it will be better for you to take your children to them. Be prayerful and God will send a good husband to you.
I once accomodated one woman in a similar situation like you but with 3 children aged 7, 5 and 3years after hearing her case in the church. She is doing very well now while the husband is fighting back. Men want to see you frustrated and dejected. You have a bright future more than your husband.
Sugar Mummies are well to do women with money and connections, you cant dare them. He is sitting and playing with a time bomb and his life in adverse danger. He need prayer and deliverance but not from you but his family.
My sister go back to your parents they will shelter you plus that will reduce your expenses. You can put the children in your parents care and be rest assured of their safety. Then dust yourself up and look for a job or learn a skill to enhance yourself. It is not the end of life. Please don’t try to reconcile with your husband he obviously doesn’t deserve you. Let him go, don’t be fooled he will meet his waterloo.
Allocate time for prayers asking God for insight and understanding. The Bible states in James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, ” At some point in my life, I was also pleading with Him to make me see clearly again and at same time also seeking expert advice. Nothing matters more than your security and that of your children. If your husband has been abusive or neglectful, you need an environment that is safe now. It may be best for now if going back to stay with parents would offer safety as well as support. Sharing the same pastor could be helpful, he knows this person better than anybody and you can as well meet your pastor to know more about him
You should take time off to heal emotionally and spiritually too. Don’t rush into another relationship, especially if you’re still dealing with emotions and trauma from the current marriage, unless you just want sex but then again, there’s never enough balancing sex;
Although this new man in church might look like the safest bet at first sight given what you have gone through lately, you must always think twice before making assumptions about people based solely upon appearances, pay attention to his intentions maybe he just wants a quickie. What matters most here is shared respect.
Whatever choices you make shall also impact kids’ lives, remember, they too deserve protection from you more than anything else right now. God has a plan for every person’s life, including yours, though it may seem unclear at present. Jeremiah 29:11 declares: “For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give hope a future.” There is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed and confused. Take things easy step by step. Seek His counsel over these matters first to ensure both personal safety and wellbeing, then trust that He will guide you through this tough time