Hi,
Please keep me anonymous. I am confused on what to do in my relationship. I need advice. I met Michael (not real name) 2 years ago. By that time,he had divorced his wife for almost 5 years. They have 2 kids.
Mike was really into me,showered me with love and everything. I mean,I have been in several relationships and none made quite as happy as Mike. I was really skeptical about dating let alone marrying a divorcee but Mike was different.
He made me feel so happy. We spent all our spare time together and we went on romantic vacations regularly. I was really swept off my feet. I used to wonder why Mike split from his wife cos he seemed like a very sweet man.
I didn’t have to wonder. Mike’s ex wife’s family didn’t support their marriage cos both of them come from different villages. In Igbo land,there is an ancient caste system called Osu and Mike is from a village where they were considered outcast in the olden days.
Mike and his ex met in America and got married against his ex’s parents wishes. That made them have many problems. The ex father cut her off from their family and the pressure was too much that they eventually had to separate.
According to Mike,the ex suffered depression and constantly blamed him for her issues with her family. Strange story right? I couldn’t believe such a crazy thing happening in the 21st century. Mike adores his 2 kids and they come spend holidays with him from America or he goes to see them twice every year.
I met the kids and I wanted to really have kids with Mike. But I wanted to get married first. Mike said he loved me and would want to marry me but that I need to give him time cos of his kids. That the divorce was hard on them. He wants them to be up to 10 years old before he gets married again.
The kids are 7 and 5 when we met. I was like hmm…that is not too long. And I was really happy. Even my parents were happy with Mike. He adored me. Last year,I got pregnant. It was not planned but I got pregnant and Mike was overjoyed. I told him I would not keep the child cos I wanted to be married first before pregnancy.
Mike begged me to understand. That he made a promise to his kids and his ex wife. That he wants them to be older before telling them he is moving on to marry someone else. I understand he adores his kids but I never dreamed of having a baby outside wedlock. So Mike agreed to do marriage introduction at least which we did.
I had my baby this January and God blessed us with a beautiful baby boy. Like I said,Mike was overjoyed but after like a month,Mike and I started having issues. We would quarrel over flimsy stuff and I noticed he became very apprehensive and the only thing that I could pin point was that: something was wrong with his kids.
How I suspected was:before,Mike would call them in my presence or pick their calls. But now,he leaves the room to call or pick their calls. I questioned his strange behavior and he said he does not want his children to know we had a baby. That sounded selfish to me because when I got pregnant,he told me he told the kids and they were happy.
Now,he said he lied to make me happy. That the kids still think were are just dating. I agreed to hide our relationship cos of his promise to his kids but I will not hide my pregnancy. That really made me really upset. So I decided to call the kids without my fiance knowing.
When I called the oldest,she was so happy to see me. I asked after her mother and she told me Mommy is having a baby,we are so happy. A baby,I asked her,is her mom remarried or dating,she said,no…my parents are back together,my mom is pregnant for daddy.
My life stopped for several seconds. When Mike got back,I asked him and he just broke down and started asking for my forgiveness. He said it was a mistake. He went there for Christmas last year and they had s*x. Now she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby. Ha…so,what about what the daughter said about them getting back together,he said they are not getting back together …just that they kids think a baby will bring back both parents.
I am seriously confused. Mike has broken my trust. I feel so betrayed by a man I trusted so much. I never wanted anything to do with a divorcee cos I never wanted their baggage but here I am,not even married but now a baby mama for a man who just got his ex wife pregnant.
Now,how am I sure they are even divorced? Mike showed me divorce papers and swears he is not getting back to her but I still feel hurt and my first reaction is to walk away and leave him to sort his mess. I just feel so sad. How do I raise my son alone? I never wanted to be a single mother.
And now,Mike calls his ex very often. He says he is only checking on her to make sure she is ok. That the wife is aware about me and she knows I have a baby and she does not plan to come in between us. My parents are so upset and insist on Mike marrying me right away,Mike has said,our marriage will be be next year,when his first child turns 10.
I don’t even know if I want to marry him anymore cos he cheated with his ex. That woman will forever be in our lives. What if he keeps sleeping with her every time he goes to visit the kids in America?
Mike is now paranoid. He still refuses to call his kids in my presence,which makes me suspect him more. We are always having arguments cos of this. I feel so unhappy. His ex is due in September,Mike wants to travel to be with her during the birth. What have I gotten myself into?
My parents are advising me to take it easy …so as not to drive Mike back into the arms of his ex…but to me,he is already back to her…abi…why else did they have s*x and she got pregnant for him? What more am I waiting to get in this relationship? A promise of marriage for next year?
And what if next year comes and he does not marry me…What do I do? Mike says I dont trust him and that I should be patient cos no marriage can work without trust. Now,he is making it seem like I am the one with the issue. That I should forgive him and trust him.
Will I not be a fool to continue to trust Mike’s words after what he did to me?
Please post and help me understand.
Anonymous Email
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Hmm women we are actually the problem of ourselves. My payers is that God should heal every broken home because he hates divorce.
Calm down be on ur own n focus on your son for now u mustn’t marry him I understand u want to be married but be married for d right reasons n circumstances I wish you the best
Firstly you were too fast carry away with all the attention he gives you as long they had children, Notin will stop them from calling each other or seeing each other. Sorry to say it normal for them to have s*x because anytime he comes around there is this feeling that comes when they see each other Before you know it s*x. So my dear just be patient and take care of yourself nd your child that all don’t stress yourself of think about it relax yourself and watch he as he handle the issues at hand as he promised
Men do all sorts to get what they want in a woman! You fell a victim! You fell into wring hands! Let him be for now! Focus in your son and you
Please take a deep breathe and calm down and focus of your child because he needs a mother. You have till next year to observe and study Mike and to know if he is the right man for you. You don’t have to marry him if you don’t trust him to be the best husband. However, if you decide to marry him eventually, know that his ex will always be a part of his life and you have to be able to deal with this.
Firstly, the greatest mistake ever any rational human being can make in life is to be faster than their shadow… you were too fast and was carried away by his attention, you never digested the fact that he just divorced his wife of many years… indeed he needed you to fill in the gap and you gave in. But nevertheless what has happened has happened, because you should have been very sure before embarking on this journey of no return because odikwa risky…
What kind of parents marry off their child to this kinda situation? Little wonder you got entangled with another woman’s man and you’re telling yourself he cheated on you… You are not his wife… Let that sink into you my dear… If there’s anyone cheating here, it’s you he’s cheating with… Introduction is not marriage… Don’t fall victim of parents pushing their children into what they won’t be there to take care of… Embrace it, you’re a mom for a man who isn’t yours… His wife n kids are his priority… You’re second place… If you can’t bear that just accept that you’re a single mom and begin to plan how best to deal with your reality and raise your son… Begin to plan a future for your son and go prepare yourself for your own man if you don’t want to be in the shadow of another woman in her rightful place…
For me, babe you should get busy for yourself if you’ve got nothing doing for yourself… You could ask financial assistant from him so you can start doing things for yourself by yourself and making money enough to sustain you n your child + extra…
Secondly you can bargain for child support… Thirdly, you should take your mind off this guy no matter how sincere he seems and go be your best for a man who’ll not be jamming two women’s heads together *except* you can deal with being his second wife and can deal with dwindling attention + affection + time together…
Last but not least get a mind of your own and stop allowing people push you around not even your parents… This is your life!
Honey moon is over… It’s Reality TV show series now…
Pray your heart finds peace to forgive yourself and sit up to be your best for you n your son… Peace dear
I think you’ve entered one chance.
For the guy to still be sleeping with his ex means he’s still in love with her and you’re just a rebound.
Focus on yourself and your child, if he still comes around let him support your child. I don’t think he can have a life with you, his life is already with his ex and children.
Take care.
You better move on,look for a means to feed yourself and your baby boy. He is not ready to settle with you,he might not even come back to Nigeria when he goes to see his wife and mind you not his (ex),note that. I wish you all the best.
You have been fooled that man is still with his first family, if you marry him,he will always see you as a mistress, be wise and avoid future regrets
Leave Mike alone and move on with your life
Hi,
This man has unfinished business with his ex wife. My advise would be:remove yourself from their situation.
Stay on your own,raise your baby with financial support from the dad but nothing s*xual going on with you too.
Let him focus on his children and his ex wife and their new baby.
If he really wanted to,he would make you top priority in his life. Clearly,you matter to hi, but his family comes first.
He may or may not marry you….either way,you will always have his first family to contend with.
Do not wait around for him to decide when he wants to marry you. You deserve a man who would choose you first.
So move on,single mothers still find love today. Its not a do or die affair. Your best is yet to come.
Stay blessed.
Life is a two edged sword,ryt now u’ll hv to choose d side to cut with,d first side says act like Solomon’s first wife n paddle d canoe u boarded ie keep ur emotions aside n bear with ur confused man,d second says if u can’t take d heat get out of d kitchen,ie take ur child n take a walk,ryt now u alone know what u want coz na u wear d Shoe,men on crossed roads don’t think straight,I will advise u just give it tym before u die of cardiac arrest
You said it yourselves aunty,your baby father and his wife did not split because they did not love themselves anymore,but because of the family rejection.
He came to you not because he loved you but was hurting and needed a distraction,which you took to heart.
To me he still wants his wife and was waiting for her to have a rethink and come back to him.
It is sad you didn’t see through his so called love and attention.
Don’t let your parents push you into unfavorable situations, you have your life to live, they wont live it for you.
Dont hang on his marriage promise,except you want to live the rest of your life in another woman’s shadow.
You can choose to take care of your son and move on,you will find love despite!
And please do not cohabitate in your next relationship, its not ideal!
He already said the reason why it didn’t work out with his wife was because of the family but he did not say that they fell out of love he still loves her and no situation will change that. The fact that he keeps walking out of the room to receive calls and calls his wife a lot more means they are back together. I believe it is wrong from the people on your side to encourage you to be between a family that is trying to make things work again.
It is easier to walk away with one child but with more it will be hard. His wife will ALWAYS be the love of his life and they will ALWAYS be together.
She is overseas and you are in Nigeria.
He can marry you and still be married to his wife. Your will not be recognized.
Sorry.