Good morning Ma,
I am a member of your WhatsApp group. I love the way you treat issues, please there is an issue I would like you and other members of the group to help me with. My younger sister’s marriage is turning into what I don’t know.
She is 27 but she has been through what I the eldest don’t think I can endure. She got married at 20 because she thought her life was ruined because she had a baby outside wedlock before her WAEC.
At first, the man was all over her, showing love, kindness and all, even to our parents, we never knew he was only acting up just to win my sister and my parents heart to allow him marry her.
I was not at home then, so they only tell me everything through phone. When it got to the marriage thing, I sincerely asked my sister if she is ready to settle down with the man, she said yes. Ok oo, I told her I feel its too early and also the man is about 18 years older than her but my sister’s mind was already made up, they wedded both traditional and in the church.
My sister has had three children for him but only one is alive, even that baby she had before marriage also died in the man’s house. Now this man is making life unbearable for my sister, he sleeps around even to the extent of having an affair with a married woman with four children in their street.
He would by food stuff, cloths, shoes for the woman and her children but will never buy anything for his daughter and my sister even food, my sister teaches in a private school where they pay her peanut but she manages it with her daughter, everything about the girl my sister takes care of it, sometimes according to my sister, he’ll buy food outside and come home, finish it without asking if his wife and daughter had eaten for the day.
My sister hid all these from us her family until one day, one of our cousins died and was to be buried, I came home on the day of the wake keep, I asked of her and I was told she said she would come. Later that evening, she came and we all went for the wake keep, we were dear till about 10pm, we left so we can prepare for the burial the next day because it was our first cousin actually.
My sister now said that we should please escort her home so her husband will see us, I asked why, she said because they had a little misunderstanding about the wake keep before she left that evening, so all of us went with her just so there will be peace.
On getting to their house, their gate was already locked from inside but we could see light from the sitting room and TV was on too. So we knocked, but no response, we knocked and knocked and called out to him or whoever is inside to come open the gate thinking may be they had slept off, no response, nothing, we then tried his line, he didn’t pick at first but he later picked and told my sister to go back to wherever she was coming from.
Our eldest uncle that was with us called him but he didn’t pick, by then anger has risen in me but I just maintained calmness after all am not his wife. After about one hour, thirty minutes of standing there, we decided to leave,
Before we left, I called his eldest sister that is my sister’s sister-in-law and told her what was going on, she told us to hold on that she would call her brother immediately, after like 20 minutes, I called her back and she said she had called him but he didn’t pick, I told her we are left with no other option than to leave with my sister in case tomorrow her brother will start telling another story.
So we left, but on our way, we saw one of their elderly neighbors that was sitting out in his compound, my sister suggested we talk to the man because her husband respects the man, so we met the man, talked to him and he called my in-law and told him to open the gate for his wife immediately, that tomorrow they would talk about whatever it is, the man then told us to go back that he will open the gate.
And trully before we could get back to their house, the gate was already open, all our effort to even greet him proved abortive, he just went inside without talking to any of us. Then the next morning my sister came for the burial.
I asked her what latter happened when she went inside, she said nothing, ok oo. After the burial, she went back in the evening only to see that her husband had locked their door and left with the key, she stayed in the sitting room (its a family house) till late at night.
When he came back and told her to take whatever she want to take from their room that he wants to sleep, she went in took her night cloth went to the bathing room, took her bathe, came out and discovered the husband had locked the door from inside.
That was how she started sleeping in the sitting room every night, in the morning, when the man goes to take his bath, she will hurriedly go into their room and take whatever she might need for the day because the husband will always lock the room and leave with the key.
At a point, he changed the key totally. That was when my sister now came and told my parents, because all along she would pretend she was visiting and would eat and go.
Then my dad sent for the husband to come but he declined saying my father should come to his house if he wants to talk with him. My dad told his brothers and they collectively sent for him but this man still declined till today.
I asked my sister what she is still doing there, she said she can’t leave because of her daughter and that the man has not out rightly told her to leave or pack out her things, and that the last thing she is waiting is any day the man would raise a finger on her.
This incidence happened in May 2019, and till today, this man has not honoured that call or talked to my parents, even if he meets them on the road, he would just pass, yet my sister is still living with him though she said he later apologized to her and they made up but that was because he got tired of waking up in the morning to prepare his daughter for school, prepare her food, wash her cloth etc.
Not too long after that, he increased his wickedness to her to power 10, he told her never to go any where close to our house again, so this my sister is just there enduring because she made up with him then neglecting her people, though she sometimes sneaks out and comes to our house, eat and goes back because the husband has gone back to the attitude of not caring if she eats or not.
The latest now is that she wants to join the mother’s union in their church because they wedded in the Anglican church. My mum told her to hold on, that it’s better she use that money to start up some kind of business that will earn her extra cash so she can take care of her self and her daughter and develop her self because she can’t depend on N7000 teaching salary for the rest of her life.
But my sister is paying deaf ears which now made my mum to conclude that the man is holding her strongly with a charm, because even if any member of our family wants to help her, the husband will say no that its an insult to him.
So my sister is still preparing to join mother’s union may be she thinks the reason my mum is not supporting her is because she wants her to leave the man and she can’t leave because of the reasons she gave above.
- Please my questions are:
Should she really continue with that marriage? - Is it wise for her to join the mother’s union now?
- Please what advice can you give this girl, she is my blood, I feel for her but she seems to really be under a spell.
Please ma share to the group, let me hear people’s advice for this my sister because am confused myself.
Anonymous Lively Stones whats app Member
Photo Credit:Rolling Stone
Your sister can only seek for help when she realizes that she needs help. Her low, poor self esteem is making her act the way she’s acting.
I’d suggest daily calls and messages to her sometimes scriptural verses encouraging her then sometimes motivational words. Make her ger close to you this way, don’t judge her or criticize her or her home or even husband, infact talk good of the man.
Intensify all these with prayers too. I believe that one day she will realize herself and open up to you and then since you’re her friend you can then tell her that what she’s going through isn’t her fault, she deserves better to live a better life in joy and happiness. I believe she will make up her mind to leave that looser when she sees she has a strong support system.
Getting married at a young age, when she was naive and with low self esteem really caused her. However I will answer your questions respectively.
1. She should continue with the marriage but she has to Add more values to herself, she should try to earn more to take care of herself and her daughter, she should be full of prayers for herself and her husband (very important). She is not under a spell, the man is. When the man is prayed for, when he sees the wife his doing well without him, he will come back to his senses.
2. Since you are close to her, let her understand the importance of investment. She should utilize every single money she has very well.
3. My advice is simple, like Jane said, she needs to get closer to God this period and pray more. She needs all the support she can get too. She doesn’t need to be afraid of the man, no need to confront him either because a man will continue to remain stubborn and irresponsible if the spirit of the devil still resides inside of him, untill that changes nothing will change.
Very good advice
Hello,
Your sister is not under a spell but she is definitely under the husband’s fear. She is afraid of her husband and she cannot come out to tell you guys.
There is something he must have done to her or said to her that makes her fear him so much. She is too young to be going through all these. Please pray for your sister.
You all need to be a pillar of support to her. He needs to be summoned or the family sends a representative to hold a family intervention. He needs to be counselled to stop ill treating your sister. Why on earth will she sleep in the sitting room or lock her out of her matrimonial bedroom?
If he wants to stay in separate bedrooms,that is fine…he should say so. Not lock her out of her room.
The man does not regard anyone…not even your family. So, you all have to stand by your sister. Help her gain her confidence back. She can still live a very happy life.
If this man has threatened or mistreated her,she should open up and she should be sent to therapy for help and healing. She also needs a proper source of income so she does not depend on her husband anymore.
As for the mother’s group…what exactly would she gain from being a member…I am not sure I understand that. Is it like a prayer group or business group? If that is not going to help her present condition,she should forget about that for now.
Call your family together. Your sister needs all of you. She needs your prayers , emotional and economic support.
At 27…she has ever right to live a successful and happy life. If that man will not allow her to do that…its best she leaves with your support.
P.S:
Why did she loose 2 children out of 3? Does he blame her for the loss of the children? Does he need counselling too? Maybe he is hurting and does not know how to communicate it and instead,he is hurting her….something is just wrong somewhere….
Please try all the suggestions above and prayerfully handle this matter.
God bless.
I commend your love and concern for your sister. Some sisters wouldn’t even pay much attention to what their siblings are going through in their marriage. They will be feeling like they have their own married life to handle too.
I don’t think your sister is under any spell. Maybe she’s just the type that keeps to herself and wants to do things her own way. Some people are like that. Did u notice such trait in her when she was growing up? And also she’s seriously under the will of your husband. That’s why she is treating the matter as “me and my husband”.
She shouldn’t leave the relationship for now, since there’s no physical abuse in the relationship. Which I am sure your sister would agree to, since she is myopic about the situation. You just need to be showing her love, support and care to aid her emotionally and financially. Definitely, the salary she’s getting from that teaching job is small. But if she’s getting extra income from other sources, maybe that might boost her self esteem and make her feel like she can be on her own and stop depending on the husband. That might give her the courage later on to leave the relationship if things doesn’t get better between her and the man.
About joining the mother’s union, using the money for investment to earn extra cash is the best option but if your sister is actually that type of person that doesn’t listen to others when she has made up her mind, then I doubt if you could convince her not to do it.
As I said earlier, continue to show your love & concern for her, and be prayerful and supportive in any way possible. If you don’t give up on her, the love and care might help her to change one day and be courageous to make her own decisions.
It is well !!!
Hello,
Your sister really need you and the family at this junction, she needs your prayer, financial support and advice.
Continue to pray and also support her financially to start a business to cater for her self and baby, her husband attitude is killing her gradually.
Try again to call family meeting with the husband and talk whathever the problem out…. something is wrong somewhere.
It will end in praise.
Regards
I feel your sister need serious prayer and a good job to take off her mind from the husband so that she can be independent
All these mistakes ladies make. Getting married without adding value to yourself… You don’t expect him to worship you like princess forever. So try to add value to yourself and do not be scared of him…