True Life Story: My Boyfriend’s Confession Is Threatening To Destroy Our Relationship
Dear Lively Stones,
I am a 42 year old, divorcee. Been divorced for almost 4 years, its not been easy. My ex has moved on. On my own, I feel lonely except for once or twice when I just hung out with one or two guys. These guys actually want to sleep with a divorced woman but nothing serious like relationship. Sometimes, I cry silently to bed cos am lonely. My kids are grown, the last one is on boarding school while the first two are already in Uni.
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Not until late last year, I met Samson (not real name). We met at the gym. I thought it was a casual thing but we kept on going, I enjoyed his company, he is funny and very intelligent, very successful business man. I was shocked he was 40 and not married. He gave excuses that because he was formerly chubby, girls never found him attractive. So, he started seriously exercising. He is still a bit chubby but not that fat like before.
To me, he is ok. I don’t mind a man with a little flesh. Things have been going steady for us and we are happy. My kids love him…and his family loves me. I have told him am not looking to marry to have children cos am done having children and he says he does not mind adopting with a woman who will raise a child with him. We laugh and just say lets see what the future holds. I like his free mindedness.
This guy has not met my family cos I don’t want anyone to judge me or chuk their mouth into the matter. All went well until the day we were discussing this gay and transgender matter. He was of the opinion that some people are actually born that way or forced into that way and sometimes, its hard for them to hide who they are. I was confused. Like, why was he trying to defend these people?
Omo, I argued that no one was born gay or transgender for hours until he now confessed that since he was born, he was never attracted to females but only males. That he had male s3xual partners from the age of 15 years. He said, his uncles started abusing him from that age until he was tired of being abused, scammed, tortured and betrayed, so he stopped having s3xual male partners and decided to focus on the opposite s3x but even the opposite s3x did not accept him cos he was chubby. Then he decided to be celibate until he met me.
If he never told me this, I would never have believed this ….am looking at him and wondering….how can this man say he had s3xual relations with other men? To me, that was an automatic turn off. Since then, I have been giving him cold attitude and he has noticed. He is now accusing me of judging him like other people did in the past. That is why he never talks about his past. He said he is not gay but he knows he once was attracted to same s3x but right now, its best for him to focus on females for his own safety.
Then I asked him if he still feels he can ever have feelings for men in future…he said no because that was too traumatic for him. I have explained to him that he was not born that way, that he was a victim of abuse. He said he knows and that is why he feels empathy for those who are calling themselves gay or transgender…because he knows most of them were abused and made to accept that lifestyle.
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On the other hand, since that conversation, I am beginning to find myself having doubts. He has said if I want to break up with him, its fine but that he has told me everything and I have nothing to worry about. Should I trust him? Should I believe the past is past? Or is this a redflag to run away from? I am a grown woman and truly I don’t care what people will say but personally…someone who used to be attracted to men before….is it not possible for them to still be attracted to men again if opportunity presents itself?
I already feel so sad at the thought of loosing him, he has been nothing but a wonderful friend, companion and lover since we have been together almost going to seven months now. My ex cheated and I could not forgive…this one….my fear is not that he will cheat with another woman but with another man? Am I over thinking it? Please what do you think I should do? I am not that desperate but I actually love this guy…hes been nothing but very good to me.
Anonymous
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Dear poster, you’re just over thinking… It’s not bad for one to tell you his past,he has left there long time ago,he doesn’t live there anymore ,focus on the present and future..
If you love him and want to be with him , fine,if you don’t want, please don’t waste his time…. You already have kids,free him,allow him to go biko
I don’t see any issue here at all,the same way he has a past,you also do have a past,I like the guy,he’s so open minded and sincere. Not all guys would tell you their past,afterall he was abused when he was a little child.
Poster there’s nothing to be worried about unless you don’t want him, then let him go….
Hello ma my opinion is when a man comes out like that and u feel comfortable around him then you have nothing to worry about…. there is nothing to be paranoid about…allow yourself to love and be loved back. Enjoy your life….
Dear Poster,
I feel you are overthinking it.
If you still need assurance, maybe you can talk it over with him again and get him to assure you that he is completely done with that lifestyle and you are free to walk away and react however you care if you find out he is still into it.
Let your happiness continue and give him opportunity to be your happy place.
You can only pray that he will remain straight and the best for you.
All the best.
Don’t let him use Bleach to wash your head oh. He does not sound straight in his explanation. He is possibly trying to avoid social suspicion and persecution of his sexuality by being with a female. Recall his position about having kids. You also remember the myth about getting sentimentally attached to the person who took our virginity. He might go back since his involvement in his sexuality is emotionally entrenched. A better man will come your way, my dear sister. The potential risks here far outweigh the benefits.
Dear poster Deciding to marry someone is a significant decision and should be based on mutual trust, respect, and compatibility. If you love him and believe that he loves you genuinely, then you can consider marriage. it’s important to have open and honest conversations about his past and how it might affect your relationship in the future best wishes .
Dear poster Deciding to marry someone is a significant decision and should be based on mutual trust, respect, and compatibility. If you love him and believe that he loves you genuinely, then you can consider marriage. it’s important to have open and honest conversations about his past and how it might affect your relationship in the future best wishes .