Insecurities In A Relationship-Is This A Serious Red Flag? Please Advise
My name is Effra (not real name). I am 26 while my fiancé is 30. We met in January this year through a close friend in church. We both know that our relationship is towards marriage and we have started planning for the end of the year for wedding and all that. Our families are aware and given their blessings.
My only issue now is that, my guy is giving me vibes like he is going to be a possessive or jealous guy or a petty person…and that really bothers me. What I mean is, sometimes we have misunderstandings and the way he behaves is giving me cause for worry.
So for example, we both have each other’s picture on our dp. But once we have any small misunderstanding, he will remove my picture from his dp. I find that childish cos I don’t remove his own picture when we have a misunderstanding. Same thing he does for screen saver. He will change his screen saver from my picture to his mother or family members.
Next thing,he will start quoting inspirational nonsense on social media. Like…trust no one…em, they say they love you but they stab you behind your back….and bla bla bla. I find it annoying that instead of talking to me to sort our issues, he will be making indirect posts about our issue on Facebook.
In April, he bought me an iphone for my birthday. Well, since then, my ears have not rested. When we had a small issue, he asked me to return the phone. Ha… I thought he was joking. He said how many people buy expensive phones for their girlfriend’s? So, I returned the phone and broke up with him.
Later, he came apologizing. That he feels insecure about me…that he does those things so I can feel how much he fears loosing me…that he is trying to protect his heart from hurt so he tends to do things like that …that I am young and fine…and that he knows guys may be after me…so he is doing everything to make me happy but I don’t appreciate him. His idea of making me happy is post my picture as his dp abi buying me iphone?
I told him I cannot handle his insecurities and if he does not change, that we better move on. Since then, he has not removed my picture on his dp until yesterday. I went for a wedding yesterday…my phone was on silent through out so when he was calling, I did not hear. There was a terrible traffic too,so when I got home, I just sent straight to bed.
This morning, I woke up to see that he called several times yesterday and because it was such a busy day and I did not call him back…he has gone to change his dp again. And went on ig to say: when they say you are the love of their life but they don’t call you or return your calls all day.
Like seriously, is this what we will be dealing with? I don taya. Is this a red flag? Am I going to be expecting this kind of reaction every time things don’t go his way? My guy is good Christian guy but I think he has serious insecurity issues and its beginning to bother me. Please advise…how do I deal with this?
I am so upset that me too…I have removed his picture from my dp. Me too, I can be petty na. Please tell me that I am not over reacting….Abeg…is this worth my time or should I move on?
Anonymous
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My dear this is a serious red and black flag sef ,you better face your front sharp sharp,because he will equally send you packing in marriage if anything happens. The guy has trust, insecurity and petty attitude. I’m sure you cannot cope with it right ? So take a break, you met in January this year,you are 26,why giving yourself headache? You are just stressing yourself over some nasty attitude of a 30years old man but still a boy,a real man will not buy a phone and then take it back. So when you marry him ,this is how he will be announcing everything that happens to Nigeria. Abeg comot him picture for your dp,to use person picture do dp dey add money for your bank account ni abi nahim be visa to Canada. Take a break, allow him change,then when he has now become a real man,then let him come back but if not my sister make you follow who know road. Peace
The ball is still in your court. If it’s something you can never manage or cope with during marriage, then put a stop to the relationship before marriage talk and plans get more serious.
The major thing I really want to talk about is that, before you decide to end (or continue managing) the relationship, try to help the man. You should please try to convince the man to go for counseling. He really needs to heal up. He is still wounded by bad experiences in his past and he won’t be able to change his insecurity behaviour unless he discussed it fully with someone in that field. There’s no amount of assurance you can give him from your own words and pure mind that will clear the doubts inside him. He still won’t believe you. So it’s better you offer him a suggestion to get help from a professional in that regard.
You can take a break as marylyn as advised while he go through the counselling or therapy session. He needs to go through it with a clear head, so you must give him a break during that period. You can just be checking up on him by making short calls just to know how he is coping with the therapy.
Then if he successfully went through it, you can decide to give him a try again to see if he has gotten better.
Shalom.