My Fiancé & I Argue A Lot: Will Our Marriage Be A Happy One?
Dear ma,
My name is Judith (not real name). I am 29 years old. I have been in a relationship with my fiancé for 2 years plus. He is the only son of his mother who is widowed. He has two sisters, both are married.
Since we been dating, we been planning our wedding cos he told me that he wants to get married quickly to bear children and keep the father’s name alive. The only reason we did not get married sooner is because we sometimes have disagreements that make me fear that our marriage may not work out.
Like I said, been an only child, the pressure is a bit much. I feel I will be put under the same pressure once we get married. He may want a male child very strongly. Even though he says he does not mind the gender of our children but his mother sometimes asks me when are we getting married, when are you giving me a grand son?
Most importantly, we argue a lot and I feel he is childish or spoilt as an only son. He once said his mother will come live with us since he is the only son. I told him the mother can come visit but not live with us permanently …that caused augment and we did not speak for days until he apologized and we moved on.
But sometimes in my heart, I still fear that might be an issue. He says if I don’t trust him, then we should break up and I tried to break up with him but we love each other so much ,that we cannot bear to stay apart.
The latest argument I had with him was a big one and we actually broke up for one whole month. I had spent the entire weekend in his place cos our wedding is close. We are planning and putting finishing touches to the preparations. I decided to leave his place around 8pm that Sunday cos of work the next day.
Getting to work from his place is so far, so I asked him to drop me off at my place. He was like, he is tired and that I should take Uber. I was like Uber? Why cant he drop me? Well, seeing I was not happy…he grudgingly got up and decided to drop me off.
Since he was already grumpy, he was just complaining throughout the ride. That his fuel is not much…and we got stuck in traffic. I kept my cool. But I was getting upset inside me. At some point in the traffic, he said I should take a yellow Taxi to continue the rest of my journey.
I was furious cos it was already getting so late. So, I asked him, is this how you show your love for me? You will leave me half way because of traffic? I honestly felt he was not been considerate and I got so angry, I got down from the car and started walking.
I honestly thought he would even call me back and beg me or at least pacify me but he ignored me. I suffered in trekking until I found a bus that would drop me two bus tops to my place. I took another bus and got home around 11.45pm.
Do you know this guy did not call me until the next day?I felt so pained and I broke up with him. He tried to give a lousy apology saying that since our wedding is so close, that I have been very unreasonable. I told him if I was being unreasonable, then lets call it quits.
He did not talk t me…neither did I talk to him for a month. His mother and sister and my family got involved and tried to settle us but I was done with his childishness. It was until he told my pastor and my pastor called me and counselled me to forgive and forget that we made up.
Since then, I just feel somehow. Like is this the kind of life I really want to get into? Is my marriage going to be about childish arguments? And he does not apologize properly…accusing me of always wanting him to apologize first but he is mostly the one at fault most times.
I know he loves me but he is very annoying sometimes…will love be enough to overcome his behavior? Or am I asking for too much? He says he will get better…that I should have faith in him…but that me too that I take things too far….is that so? do you think so?Please advise me…I do not want to be unhappy in marriage.
Anonymous Email
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Please never ignore those fears. This arguments will intensify in the marriage when he tries to show you that he’s the man of the house hence can take whatever decision he wants. Pregnancy delay for some people after marriage, can you withstand the pressure that will come? If you’re haven’t these arguments now, breaking off and coming back, they two of you will end up making each other miserable because you’ll become bitter in marriage. Know also that love alone cannot sustain a marriage. Forgot about we love ourselves and use your head.
Marriage requires a lot of maturity and patience from both partner. If you think you are not matured enough then don’t go into it. Even in marriage you will have arguments but you can’t keep malice for one month because of that. You must learn to be able to resolve your differences quickly. Both of you cannot be head strong. You have to support each others weakness and strength.
This guy is like this and marriage won’t change him. Can you cope? can you sometimes overlook his short comings? Does his good side outweigh his bad side? Does he love and respect you? Does he support your dreams and encourages you to succeed?
Making a marriage work is the work of both partner. Are you ready to? If not give yourselves more time to grow and mature.
Pause ur wedding plans& preparation a for now&Seek God’s face earnestly and make u get his leading before going into marriage o.its mostly important.u can get this book:on the same page?by ifedayo ogunbiyi bode_salisu.
Hello,
Relationships succeed with alot of communication and compromising. What you are going through with your man is not new. This is because, you are both different individuals with different upbringing.
Each person wants to be able to express themselves in a relationship and be acknowledged. That is where you need to work on communicating better and compromising sometimes to accommodate each other’s views.
Adopt a strategy of heart to heart talk anytime there is an issue. You may place ground rules before you communicate. Something like: no interrupting when one person is speaking….actually listening and showing empathy and kindness to each other.
Arguments may come but you must set a ground rule that nobody leaves the relationship without first trying to settle after an argument. You can also decide that before you make up or talk about an issue….you pray about it. Pray together and ask God to guide your discussions.
Mutual respect must be encouraged. In this case, he was not wrong to ask you to take an Uber. You should have considered it knowing the situation of things.
However, he should have called to check on you that night. But perhaps, you both had argued so bad …he was feeling upset too…now two wrongs dont make a right.
But in my opinion….the guy should reach out and make things right sooner….so teach him to be a chaser or toaster as they say….lol
As for the pressure to have babies…that is imminent. So ask yourself…are you ready for that kind of pressure? If your husband has got your back…then it can be managed…if not…it could be really trying…
Have you discussed your options if you are unable to have kids of your own?
You and this man need to have some serious long conversations.
Make sure you have clarity on where both of you stand on issues bothering you before you go head or end the relationship …which ever is your choice.
My only concern is the potential child bearing pressure…
God bless you.