True Life Story: Help-I Am In Love With A Serial Cheater-Can A Leopard Truly Change Its Spots?
The first time I met Chindu was in my first year in school. I got admission to study in my brother’s school but my accommodation was not sorted. So, I had to sqaut my brother who had a very promiscuous room mate: Chindu. Chindu was a very dashing guy, rich, had a car on campus and quite intelligent. He was the attraction of both girls and cultists. The girls wanted him for his famous d#ck while the cultists wanted him for his money. There were rumors that he got to become a patron in one of the very popular cults in school. While, the proof of the girls was always in my brother’s room. Used condoms everywhere and everyday.
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When I stayed in their room, my brother cautioned him to stop bringing girls over to the room. So, while he did not have s3x with them in the room because of me, I had a fair experience seeing girls come to ask of him, then he would take them to someone else room for the f#cking. Though he was a campus bad guy, he was nice to me. He also put me through some difficult Maths assignments in my first year.
My girl friends flirted around him. I think he may have slept with a couple of them. I admit I had a small crush on him too but he used to call me his kid sis…besides, my brother would have k!lled him if he tried anything with me. Anyway, they eventually graduated and left school. Three years later, we heard Chindu got married to some senate daughter. His wedding was in Ovation. Cute couple and everything.
One day, I got a Facebook request from Chindu and I accepted. We got talking and he was genuinely like a friend to me. When I got married, I told him and he sent me N5M for my wedding gift. My fiancé and I thanked him very well. And then, I started having issues in my marriage. I don’t know how I never saw it but I married a narcissist. My husband wanted to isolate me from my friends and family. And he made me think everything was my fault. This man could keep malice and make me beg him every time we had a quarrel.
There was never a time in the 3 years of marriage that he apologized for anything. I blame myself. The very thing that attracted me to him was what indeed his narcissism but I thought he was just a very principled and upright man. I thought he was perfect and I adored him for it. But it became verbal abuse for things like, I don’t know how to cook beans like he does, I don’t know how to keep the house clean like him. There was not enough salt in the food, etc.
We argued alot but I felt love would conquer all. But it became worse when our baby Jasmine was born. He made me feel horrible for giving birth to a girl first instead of a boy. He said it was my negative energy that made the baby a girl instead of a boy. Unbelievable right! In this day and century, someone is blaming the gender of a baby on the wife….ah…I don marry. The argument got worse with the way I was parenting our daughter. He refused to allow the baby sleep in our room from one month old…said I was spoiling her…I think he never liked our daughter.
So I was in a hurry to get pregnant with the second child. I prayed and fasted for it to be a boy. When I got pregnant, my daughter was 11 months. I was excited but when I did the scan and found out it was a girl again…I fell into depression. I could not tell my husband. He kept asking me to go do scan until I could not stand it and told him it was a girl again…he became irrational. He said he made a mistake marrying me, that he got revelations that I am not supposed to be his wife.
That was how my husband moved out of our house and started living with a mistress. The trauma was too much. I had a still birth when the baby was only six months in the womb. I almost died if not for my family who stood by me. My husband never came to the hospital to see me for once. When he heard I lost the baby, he said it was God’s will. I had enough. I told him I wanted a separation which he said no to…only for him to serve divorce papers. I begged him to go to therapy with me. He refused. I heard his mistress was pregnant and she gave birth to a boy. Eventually, we got divorced.
Still in pain, I tried to move on with my life. I decided to relocate to do my masters. I left my daughter with my parents and travelled out. While doing my program, Chindu contacted me and when he found out I was divorced, he told me he and his wife also divorced. What happened? Not only did Chindu cheat, the wife cheated too. They don’t have any children so they decided to go their separate ways.
Chindu and I have been talking for almost a year now. He has flown several times to see me in UK. As grown adults, we have developed feelings for each other and I thank God for him cos with him, I was able to forget my pain and move forward. Chindu is asking me to marry him now. Its been two years after my divorce and three years after his divorce. I love him and I appreciate his friendship but I am scared that his old cheating ways are not over. He swears that he is done.
Since we have been together, this past year, there has been no cheating (at least,not that I have discovered). Chindun says I changed him and he wants to prove to me that he can be a better man. I want to believe him but I am scared. And my brother who knows him from school will not give his blessings. But my friend says its better to marry a former cheat who is trying to be a better man than a man who is narcissist, egoistic and abuser like my ex. My elder sister says no man is perfect, but I should marry someone who is a friend cos friendship will sustain a marriage where love won’t.
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Chindu and I are actually become best of friends. I know him very well….and he knows me very well….he has always had my back…and I his…do you think this friendship is enough? Should I take a leap of faith and give love one more chance with a former leopard? Will he change really for me? I want to believe in love again….I know Chindu will not hurt me intentionally but what if he makes mistakes? Even when he is not even trying to flirt, women are constantly flirting with him…you cant blame him…alot of times, he is even running away from social events cos of these women.
Chindu is one of the finest and hottest guy in town…plus he is very rich….his smile is so sexy…and he is so charming and kind. But he is not happy being a single guy anymore…he wants to settle down with someone who understands him. He had fired his secretary that has been throwing herself at him. He rejected a $20M deal cos the woman wanted to sleep with him. All these he did just to prove to me that he can change.
Oh God…I am in love…should I give love with Chindu a chance? He is not perfect but he is divine…maybe what I need is a little faith…we both have been married before and do not want to be divorced again…we want to make this work…Please I need logical and objective advise.
Anonymous
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Madam you can take a chance but please do not put your happiness on him. He is a man, he may not be perfect so give room for error. Marriage is different from relationship, if he says he is changing then believe him and give him a chance.
Dear poster
If your friend has moved on from his marriage also, and if he is ready for another marriage, then you can certainly talk about it! But the most important factor here is – whether or not has your friend moved on.
Because if s/he hasn’t, then you will be tied between his/her ex and your present relationship
which will be horrible for you in the end. Moreover, you need to get to know the reason behind his divorce,
Don’t be carried away by what you see, get to know what kind of person your friend is. See, we can’t say what or how a person is with his partner, because that is not how s/he is with his/her friends!
Get to know why the divorce really happened – and if your friend was a domestic or emotional abuser etc
I will suggest you have a conversation with his ex wife if possible and get to know the story!
You should never trust on one sided story, because it’s always manipulated in that person’s favor. So do some findings from his ex wife, get to know what the reason really was.
See, marriage is a big thing, so you shouldn’t rush into it. Don’t do it because of sympathy, affluence, influence or wealth sake in case you can’t see your friend crying or unhappy, because if you get unhappy after marriage too – then there’s no point of the entire sympathy game!
SO – think wisely, involve your friends/family into it, and then decide what you want to do.
Good luck
Dear Poster,
First things first….two years after your divorce….have you had enough time to reflect on what really happened? Your ex may have been a douche bag but you contributed because you never saw the redflags. One year or two years is ok to move on to another marriage but the question is…are you more emotionally mature?
Do you know what you need for yourself in the next marriage? Chindu checks all the boxes except that he is a serial cheat. He is kind-Check….he is financially stable-check….he is your friend, he has your back-check…..you have known him for a long time….you know his strengths and weaknesses…check….The thing with serial cheats is like they have an addiction….and an addiction does not disappear just like that…he may have to have years of therapy to get rid of that addiction. Are you willing to be patient and stand with him during those times?
He may fall on his way up…will you stand by him or get hurt again? Is he worth that pain? Or will you help him focus on the goal? And the truth is…if he is determined…he will make it but it will be hard…if you think this cross is heavy enough for you to bear…then marry Chindu….if not…continue being friends but no more s3x with him.
Choose your battles…dont carry another man’s challenges if you do not have enough strength…..life is not a relay…its a marathon…are you ready? Think deep about your response. Fast and pray for a few weeks….the answer will come to you.
Cheers.
Dear poster, I would like to hear your husband’s side of this story as well……
The moment Chindu sent you that money was when you began to fall out of love from your husband,yes your husband might have his own short coming ,just like you called him a narcissist but you also have your own bad side too…..
Dear poster,you can’t marry Chindu,be intentional about the choice you want to make,you can’t be divorced for the second time ooooo,stay away from him,those things that are making you want to marry him might disappoint you tomorrow oooooo..
Face your studies and look for another man biko,how you go see fire and try to enter,you want to test how the fire hurts or what? This my gender sef….. Chindu is only deceiving you by not allowing you catch him,the guy is very smart,I hope you’re smarter? Choose wisely!