My Fiancee Has Been Having Intercourse With Men But She Claims She Was Abused
Hello ma,
Hide my name please Where do I even start from? My fiancee and I have been together for two almost going to three years now. We met in church. A very quiet and shy girl. We were just friends for a while before we got romantically linked.
We got engaged last year and our plan was to get married in April this year before the corona virus lock down changed that. So, the plan now is in November or December this year. All these while that I bee dating and courting her, it has been a relationship of no s*x cos of our faith as Christians.
However, my fiancee just told me heaviest secret I have ever heard. So my girl used to live with her Cousin before she moved out to her own place like 5 years ago. She was very close to her cousin and practically helped her raise her children. So, they are very close.
Especially the cousin’s husband. He sends her money and buys her expensive gifts which even the cousin is aware of. Anytime the cousin travels,my girls goes to stay with the children until she returns. She would return with gifts or cash from the husband.
I was introduced to them and I took them as family too. Last month,my girl told me she wanted to tell me something. That she is tired of hiding this secret and that she needs me to forgive her what she is about to tell me.
I told her,I will forgive her no matter what it is. She said that her cousin’s husband has been sleeping with her since she moved in with them when she was 17 years old. And that anytime she goes to their house,he sleeps with her and gives her money and gifts.
The man threatened to disgrace her if she ever mentioned it to anyone. So she felt she was a disgrace for sleeping with a married man….her cousin’s husband and to avoid disgrace…she continued doing it anytime she wanted.
To make matters worse…one day, one of the cousin’s husband friend walked in on them having s*x. And he started blackmailing her,saying that he would report her to her cousin if she did not sleep with him also. He threatened to put her s*x pictures with her cousin’s husband on the internet to destroy her.
So that is how she started sleeping with the man and his friend. And she has been doing this for years. That she got tired and is feeling guilty…that she decided to darn the consequences of revealing what is happening and whatever will happen if she stops sleeping with these men.
That the men have promised to ruin her. That she told herself that she better tells me the truth before we got married. Ma, I was shook beyond words. This is the same shy and innocent looking girl I have been dating without s*x for almost three years. Not knowing she has been having carnal knowledge of two grown married men?
How do I even begin to forgive this? I know she is not a virgin when we met but this is too much…Yes…she has been begging me to forgive her…that she was scared to tell anyone cos the men constantly threatened her…that is why she is so shy and reserved. Ma, I wont lie…I am struggling…I do not even know what to do now…
I told her we have to tell her cousin…she said no…that would destroy her cousin’s marriage and maybe their family…why should she be caring about that? Is she not even trying to clear her name? Why is she so scared of the men? Now,am aware..she has no need to be scared even though I find it hard that she was scared all these years…
Yes…I find it hard…we been dating for three years…why didn’t she tell me earlier? Maybe she enjoyed the gifts too much? Maybe she is was enjoying it….haba..somebody help me understand…scared of what? She is a 26 year old woman now…how can she still be scared?
The only people we have told are our pastor and he is asking me to keep this a secret and try and work things with my girl…help her heal. That my girl took courage to come and tell me. That I should remember how Timi Dakolo’s wife did not have the courage to come out to talk about her abuse until several years and because of the support Timi gave her.
But Timi’s wife was allegedly raped…my girl was not raped…she was involved in consensual intercourse….even though she said she was threatened…I do not really truly believe everything she said to me cos if she can pretend with me for all these years we have been together…then she is not as innocent as she wants me to believe.
Please ma…I am having serious cold feet with going ahead with marrying her…especially with the fact that she does not want to tell her cousin the truth…do you believe what she is saying…did she not play a part in this whole situation? Maybe she even tried to seduce these men…why else is she trying to protect these men….please what do I do…advise me…
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I understand her fears but she has to clear her name first…What if these men comes back and start blackmailing her again about her cousin,would she go back to them to conceal the secrets again…Its better she let the cat outta the bag now and let her cousin realise what she’s dealing with…
Uncle you have to support her in every way and see how things turns out…Am not saying she is a saint neither am I saying she isn’t a victim too…she might play a major role in this and not…
Have a heart to heart talk with her and assure her of your love again if she’s afraid of loosing everything…
#peace
This matter is for the strong hearted. It all about forgiveness. We all have made mistakes but will you be willing to forgive her mistakes and help her deal with the current situation? Can her ordeal be a thing of the past and you won’t bring it up in the future.
Forgiveness is about us loving the other person and not judging them.
In dealing with this situation you need to let those men know that you are aware of their escapades and are will to let the matter die otherwise you will expose them.
If this is too much for you, maybe you need to come clean to your girl and tell her you can’t deal with her past.
I feel for you, and I feel for her also.
This is not just a matter of age, this might be her fear for not telling you since, the fear of how you are going to take it.
My advice is, forgive her if you can and support her, help her deal with the situation. But if you know within you that you can’t forgive her past , let her know.
But, just know that someone not speaking out when in this kind of situation doesn’t really mean she was enjoying it. No.
She might have done that in the past but since your are together u need to forego wat happened before and concentrate on your realationship to an extent she had the urge to tell you the truth which shows how much she wanted to clear her name and ask for forgiveness .best thing is to let go of wat happened and be together (forget the past n wat happens btn her n the cousins hubby )
My dear friend, thanks a lot for sharing this. I thank mostly your fiancee for coming clean of her past. I appreciate her courage for telling you know before marriage. She took the best decision. All of have a past. They may not always be pleasant. Our past atimes if not most of the time is beyond our control. They occur when we have not developed the full control over our lives. Our past is meant to humble us . I have read your words bc and can decode the unspoken vibes. You said that you are a christian. I guess a believer. Please meditate with me on book of Galatians 6 vs 1-3. Please stop and read . Don’t beat your chest in tumps up, rather be humbled this revelation. Do you know what it takes to keep this secret for this long and then to open up now. Blackmail is a strong force.
Now I wish to be very specific. If you ever have an bc atom of love for her, please forgive her and help her heal and close this sad past. Be sure you can handle it. Do not be stampede into this. Don’t wake up tomorrow and begin to torment her due to any slightest provocation. Delay or postpone your marriage until you come to terms with this situation. It is not easy. Help her to forgive your self. At the appropriate time her cousin will be notified and the cousins husband also notified. That is the only way to stop the blackmail completely. This should be done when you are fully healed and ready to help her fight the unfolding battle, because they will surely fight back. If you can handle it forget the blame game and be a shoulder to her. If you can’t graciously quit. Remain blessed
You are being judgemental and harsh..she told you because she knew you could help her deal with it..forgive her and move on.
Pls marry someone else ,e get why oooooo?The only reason she opened up was because marriage is now involved, if you had not mentioned marriage trust me she will still be comfortable with them and still be collecting expensive gifts from them. A woman of 26 is still behaving like a child, I was even thinking she is a teenager, even teenagers of this age and time are not even scared of empty threat.Why did she not tell her cousin when the whole nonsense started? Your girl has been enjoying the good life she has been getting from those men,biko I rest my mouth.
My brother leave that girl alone move on with your life. Don’t start what you cannot finish.
I know how u feel and I also know is not easy oo, buh u hv to let go and help her out of dis situation nw. Give her that assurance that u will stand by her to enable her confess to her cousin. She has to tell her cousin,, let her know that she has to confess to her cousin. But if u know u can’t take it or u will use against her tomorrow, pls let her go buh u can still help her to go out of dis guilt. For she to be bold to cm open up to means she is really remorseful of her actions,, don’t reject her, don’t throw her away, instead help her out of d situation.
My advice for you is that if truly they threaten your girl to have S.e.x with them. One thing you should understand is that the man friend did not catch them by coincidence, it was a set up. A planned game by both of them. Now this is what you do, take the fight to them by telling your girl to go back to them and make sure you stage a burst up. take their picture in the act and make sure your girl identity is protected in process then after that you decide what to do with the information you have. And make sure the men in question are not listening to this. Thanks.
Hello Sir,
You can only find peace and resolution in this matter with a clear head and calm spirit. I would advise you to relax.
I would also advise you to reassure your fiancee of your support as long as she is willing tell the entire truth and burn every connection with this two men.
Tell the entire truth?….I suspect the relationship with her cousin’s husband started as a threat but progressed into a relationship. This is similar to the Stockholm Syndrome where the victim falls in love with the abuser and tries to protect the abuser.
She is trying to protect the man by refusing to tell her cousin.
Sin needs to be exposed for it to stop. She needs to confront her truth,….not just speak it.
Confronting her truth may affect the cousin…but that is the only way she can truly burn the bridge with that man and move forward in her life.
Then you Mister….you need to forgive your fiancee…at least…she told you before she got married to you. She deserves your forgiveness for trusting you with such a dirty secret in her life.
After all is said and done…forget the past and help her build her confidence and build a happy life together.
This incident…if you can move past it…will make your relationship stronger and better.
All the best.
Am sure she still have some secret hiding pls step back ,or she should open up to the cousin.