My Fiancé’s Family Told Him I Am Not God’s Will For Him-Pls Advice
Good evening ma,
My name is Juliet (not real name). I am a silent follower for like a year now. I have an issue. I am 28 years old. I was dating an Igbo man for two and a half years. I am from middle belt. We love each other so much but his family kind of do not like the fact that I am not an Igbo girl.
Last year, this man relocated to Turkey permanently for business. The plan was for me to join him after our marriage. His entire family is aware of our relationship, our marriage introduction was done but the engagement was planned for later on in the year. I took his family like mine and I even used to go spend weekend with them. I cook, clean and shop for them.
They try their best to accept me but I sense that little resistance sometimes. For example, the mother will be speaking Igbo to me when she knows I cannot understand or speak it…when I ask her why, she will say I better learn the language cos how will her son marry someone who cannot teach her grandchildren how to speak Igbo.
I tell her that I will learn but she will keep mocking me and making me feel uncomfortable. I sometimes tell my man but he will tell me to relax and accept his family cos his family is important to him. Well, just about two months to our engagement, out of the blues, my man called me to say that his Aunty from Ghana had a revelation that I am not God’s will for him.
Well, it was a shock and disappointment for me cos before I could understand what was going on, the entire family stopped talking to me, stopped me from visiting them, my man kept apologizing for wasting my time but he cannot go against prophecy. I told him the prophesy was a lie but he did not believe me.
I suspected that his family just wanted to get me out of the picture. My mom, a single mom was very sad but she encouraged me to move on. I loved this man cos he used to treat me very well and take care of my and my family’s needs. I cried and cried for weeks but eventually, I let go.
For my sanity, I refused to date anyone immediately cos I was still hurt. But after like 5 months, I noticed, a manager where I work trying to flirt with me. The man is engaged but he said he wished its me he met before his engagement cos he likes me alot. Well ma, to be honest, I was not interested but this man keeps buying me gifts and I have to support my mother cos she is not very well and cannot work.
I know I was wrong for accepting those gifts but I needed the support. Then he asked me what will I do for him since he has been giving me nice things. I told him what can I do, and he said, to be his special friend and just make him happy…well, I know what that means. I spent a weekend with him in a hotel and he was very generous to me.
Everyone knows how tough things are, I earn less than 35k every month as a graduate. Its not enough for feeding and transport, not to talk of taking care of my mom and my siblings. I had to maintain cos my fiancé that was helping me was no more.
The manager and I have this affair going for like 3 months going now. And out of the blues, my ex fiancé calls me and says he wants me back. That he was deceived by his family to marry an Igbo girl but he discovered its me he loves and he is sorry. I told him I now have a boyfriend but he is refusing to give up.
Ma, I need your advice, should I go to my ex and make up with him? Or should I remain with this manager who is engaged to be married to someone else? If I go back to my ex…will his family accept me fully or will they continue to treat me like an inferior person just because I am not from the same place as them? I think they also do not like that their son is assisting my family financially. Its well.
Another thing, when I was with my ex, I was a virgin, now I am no more. Should I tell him or just keep quiet about it? Cos, its not like I knew were were going to reconcile abi?
If its according to who I love to choose from…I love my ex more than the manager. The manager is just for support purpose but my ex loves me so much and I love him so much, he loves my mother and family so much..,, he takes care of all their financial needs from schooling to rent to allowance, etc.
I just feel so hurt that he dumped me for a stupid trick his family played on him cos they don’t like their son to marry a none Igbo woman. What should I do?
Anonymous
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What i can deduce from this is that, you claim to love your ex cos he pays your bills, schooling to rent to allowance, etc and also takes care of your family, those were you words
You also agreed to date the manager cos he buys you gifts and spends on your mother.
Honestly, you dont love any of them. Please leave both of them alone, you are not ready for a relationship @ll, you are being an opportunist.
Dear sister, you are exhibiting greed and selfishness. Peace.
It obvious that the manager does not want you as a wife but just a side chick so it’s logical to go back to ur ex since he now understand that he was being deceive to dump u.But come to think of this, ur ex was with u for 2+ years and u still maintained ur virginity after supporting u and ur family financially all this years but ur only three months relationship with ur manager had made u lose ur virginity that means ur ex was really a good man that only heeded to bad advise but the question is are u really a good woman? Thanks
To my own little understanding, I can only advice to call your ex privately, and explain in details what has happened when you guys broke up perhaps if he can cope with it ..well…so be it and if not …fine, atleast youve relieved yourself of any forms conscience litigations and you have a free mind ,And if he’s being considerate nothing stops him from accepting you back and if he didn’t …then you let go** Ain’t going to ask you go back to so-called Manager with benefit, obviously he’s ready to take you as a second wife rather than a side chick…for how long will continue with that , you’re 28 already ,you gotta plan for your dear life and be prayerful…it helps too
Lost for words, you were a virgin and you lost it to be a side chic to your Manager who is engaged to be married to someone else even when you knew he only wanted you to ‘make him happy’ because of money & gifts and you seem to be justifying your actions.
Do you believe in God ?
If you do, that was a test of your faith and He (God) would have come through for you with you still intact. If you held on for so long why couldn’t you pull through?
Is your question whether to remain a side chic to someone who will marry someone else and keep fornicating with him because of money or marry someone who wants you who you still love but disappointed at the past or stay by yourself till you meet someone fresh? I’ll leave the advice to others … whatever you do, if you decide to go back to your ex, since it seems He left you a virgin, before any marriage let Him know it’s not the same so it does not bite you after the wedding night but this is not a license for you both to fornicate before marriage.
You can make peace with God and be celibate going forward until you marry.
Also, as soon as you can, try to strengthen your self financially. A man to take care of all your families needs? Phew. Look for a need, start a small business on top of what you have and grow gradually. It’s good to be self sufficient. Nothing wrong from a hubby helping here and there with family but do strengthen yourself.
I’ve come over the shock of you holding yourself for so long and letting go quite easily so let me advice you from a Godly perspective assuming you’re a Believer.
You are not the world saver even with younger ones, just do your best. With your 35k, thank God when you receive it , give your 10 percent back to Him and be prayerful for open doors . Cut down and manage the rest for your bills, whatever you can spare for family do. Expect good things daily. Look for bigger job opportunities and a need to grow a side business, call on aunties if any to support your mum (their Sister) as well etc.
If your younger ones are above 16/ 18 let them school and work but must never ever trade their bodies for money … drum that message in or let them pause school till money comes.
Let your needs and that of your family draw you to prayer and God will send helpers.
Be celibate after now if you had held back, God would definitely have stepped in like He did for Daniel in a similar situation, pressed on all sides, he made up his mind not to defile himself , in turn he got wisdom, salvation from Lions, Promotion up to 3 tenures , (For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him) but the good news is it’s not too late to do the right thing from now.
On who to go with , it’s your call
It seems you only have one proposal on the table at the moment – your ex. If you decide to go with Him, pls read above post.
Regarding his family, ‘LOVE CONQUERS ALL’…. be calm and love them don’t react back, soon you will be in Turkey ( hope his papers are clean and he has the right to invite you as a spouse not leaving you here for a long time – there may be issues if you cannot join him soon , his family and can you hold ? etc. )
When you join him in Turkey you will both build a new community and family there … from there still love his family and send gifts when you can , the ‘Igbo’ thing will not be a big deal away from Nigeria.
It is better to marry than burn if you can’t hold yourself.
If your current lover says He wants to marry you . No more S.x, I’m concerned He did that to someone, sleeping with you while engaged, leaves doubt in my mind on if He won’t do it to you when you are pregnant and giving birth . However if he turns around and decides it’s you He wants , it’s your call. Be celibate and take time to know him without s.x and be sure He is what you want.
Option 3, you wait for someone else. Your call.
Pray and let God lead you but again if you cannot hold yourself marry who wants to marry you.
You should not be s.xing an engaged man or single either for money or gifts you are of more value than that, pls stop it. A lady did and collected HIV with it when the protection broke first time .
All the best
Dear Poster,
Your love for your ex is questionable. Why so?
• I’m tempted to believe you would have accepted your ex back without questioning, if the manager was not in the equation. Your quest for money is currently being fulfilled by the manager.
• Your ex probably knows you’re a virgin, yet choose not to take advantage of your situation and rob you of your virginity. How come you let go of your virginity easily with the manager, something you kept with your ex for 2yrs and 6 months?
• You know the manager is engaged, yet you still proceeded to have an affair with him, and you may likely continue even when he gets married. Your justification, you need money. Hmm…
Bear in mind, processing is bigger than result. The steps you take to change your story matters a lot.
The easiest route might not necessarily be the best. Let your actions be guided by God’s word.
Please, stop your affair with the manager. Know that what goes around, comes around. Do you want to destroy another woman’s home? Will you desire this for your own home?
As regards your ex, do you really love him? Remember, love is of the heart, so search your heart, not your pocket…
What you, your siblings and mum are going through is just for a moment. Allow God to lead (let him be the captain of the ship).
Prolong struggle or hardship are usually as a result of one acting out of desperation. Please, always seek to know what God is saying in every situation, through prayers.
I pray God makes you fit to overcome.
Remain blessed.