My Mother In-Law Is Psycho & My Husband Is On Her Side-Please Advise
My husband and I are members of Lively Stones. Thank you for this great platform, where we learn everyday. But right now, I need my platform to advise us …because I am so angry …before I say something or do something I might regret.
So we have been married for 3 years now. We have a beautiful daughter. My husband is a very nice man. We are doing fine, building a future together. We both work and maintain a joint account as well as personal accounts.
Being married to an Idoma man is not easy. Being a Delta person, his family did not really take to me for a while. Especially his mother. They wanted him to marry from his place. But gradually, things went well. At least, we maintain a fairly cordial relationship.
My mother in law came to visit us for the first time since we got married last month. Through out her stay,she gave attitude and tried many times to annoy me. But I knew I had to act mature and endure everything just to make sure that we do not fall out.
When it was time for her to leave, she said she wanted to buy things at Shoprite. My husband asked me to take her shopping. I wondered why at shoprite cos things are not as cheap as other places. My husband said he will give her some money, I wanted to ask but as a good wife, I kept quiet cos I did not want to cause any stir.
I agreed and we set out. My mother in-law has children abroad so when he said she wanted to shop at shoprite, I thought she also had money, maybe from her children abroad.
On getting to the first store, my mother in-law bought so many nice and expensive things worth over N276k. When she was done, she paid with a card and immediately I got an alert from our joint account. I could not believe it. My husband gave his mother our joint account atm card to go for shopping!
I stepped outside and called my husband. He said he told her she can only use like 50k. But my point is,why even give her access to a joint account without telling me? That account is our savings for our capital projects. I have not idea why my husband would do this.
Not only did this woman shop in expensive stores…she spent almost 700k from our joint account that day. My husband was like,I should not say anything so she would not get angry and start trouble that we have been avoiding since she came to visit.
It took everything from me not to voice my anger. My mother in-law noticed my demeanor changed during and after the shopping and she started saying that I do not want her to enjoy her son. I lost my cool at that point.
I told her she was being unfair. Her son and me are not rich people. She knows how we are hustling to stand on our feet yet she is demanding heaven and earth from us. I told her she had no right to spend so much money on us.
That was what she was waiting for. She said all manner of rubbish and said I was a wicked person who does not want her to enjoy her son…hence she never liked me. I was upset and did not care what she said. That day,my husband got very angry with me for letting his mother know she spent too much money.
This woman said she was leaving everything she bought and not interested in ever coming to our house. Through out all these,I kept quiet. My husband was asking me to go and beg his mother but I refused because, that joint account had 850k that we had saved over a year and his mother spent 700k in one day. And he wants me to beg her?
Yes,he told his mother that she was wrong for spending more than the amount they agreed upon but he caused it by giving her the atm card in the first place. I think his mother needs to be told she was wrong and she is the one that needs to apologize….not me. My husband says our parents do not apologize and I say: BS!!!
I worked a full year to contribute almost 80% of that money. I was building it up for us to buy a car or start developing a property and someone spends it in one day on stupid clothes, shoes and bags???On top that,I have to apologize???
Mama is leaving tomorrow…she and I are not speaking. Hubby is on her side,he too is barely speaking to me…saying I should stop being childish and apologize to his mother so she does not leave our home angry .
I am angry and I want you guys to please judge this matter…his mother’s behavior is inappropriate and frankly psycho…she knows we are young and don’t have much.I feel very hurt…I feel betrayed by my husband for giving her our money without asking me first. I never ever believed my husband could ever do this to me…I trusted him …that is why I agreed to a joint account.
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photo Credit:Bellanaija
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Your husband is very very wrong,he does not know the value of what he have,most ladies out there will never agree to a joint account with a man because of things like this and more.My question to your husband how will he feel if you hmgave the ATM to your mother without his consent and your mum end up spending on Material things.Am very sure he will definitely send you packing or make your matrimonial home a living hell for you.Still Mother don’t apologize to children like he said but in situation like this your mother in-law should apologize.She apologizing does not mean she ridiculed herself for you.Am not trying to be rude Sir but you need to let your Mum knows what she did is wrong ,Let her know spending that much from a joint account is like joking with your future..Haha so If you have 1million in the joint account your Mum will spend 900k then am scared you are joking with your children future.Am not saying she don’t have the right to enjoy what she labour for that is you but she should remember you now have a family that needed that money more than materials things
Some mothers are terrible. You are really calm, I wonder what I would have done placing myself in your shoes. Well, these are one of the temptations that come with marriage. May God give you all the wisdom you need to tackle this.
I think the issue here is your husband who is too childish to set his priorities right.
Why did he not give his mom his personal ATM? You should quit saving with him coz he has no regard towards your contributions.
Also, apologize to his mom coz she did not force the ATM from your husband, he willingly gave it to her.
Though, she acted irresponsibly by spending such a huge sum, but it’s definitely not her fault. It’s like fighting a side chick over an unfaithful husband.
Your mother in-law is innocent here, your husband is the guilty one, so let your mother in-law be.
Your husband should firstly apologize to you for giving the joint account ATM card that you contributed immersely to fund to his mother and moreso without your consent.
He should know by now the level of dislike his mom has for you and by extension to him, which can make her to go to any length to ruin that marriage. She squandered that money to spite you, not minding the effect on her son also.
Your husband is supposed to be the one more angry at his mom and tell her that.
You deserve apologies from both mother and son
Hi Lovely couple,
A joint account is taken in trust, before anyone spends from it both parties have to approve the purpose & amount otherwise you have broken a trust and it’s very bad.
Ladies husband, the right thing to have done was to either give your mum the 50k cash you wanted her to spend or give her your personal card.
Your Parents love you, they would not want to break you to satisfy their desires. Children in this case the husband not wife, should be able to explain the true position of things to your mum.
For the husband it is your responsibility before God to protect your wife. Go again and explain properly to your mum that it was your fault for putting your mum in that position, you should have given her a different card, not the card you gave her. 80 percent of the money in the account was brought in by your wife for the purpose of ‘family investment’. Pls don’t fight your wife because she revealed 80 percent was her contribution.
For the wife, your mum in law is elderly, she has made a lot of all sacrifices for her son to be the person he is today, pls apologise if you came across as rude, as much as she would not like to know explain you love her and understand all the sacrifices she’s made for her son, tell her it is ok, she can take the things bought from your heart you only reacted that way because it was a joint family savings and was not aware. Don’t worry giving brings blessings, let it go.
Throughout your marriage periodically send her gifts so she knows you are not stopping her son caring for her.
Please learn from this mistake… possibly for your family a joint account does not work.
Thankfully it’s just a years saving so it can pass and there will be more opportunities to save in the future but you’ve learned a vital lesson especially as you plan for your children’s future.
Separate business and accounts can also work for families , you just all chip in proceeds towards the bills.
All the best
Your husband is at fault here…Giving out that kind of order without consulting you is totally out of it..Your husband has a lot to explain and must refund my money if I was in your shoes… Parents doesn’t tender apology in now in extinction, my mum tenders apology when she knows she’s wrong so I see no reason why your in-law shouldn’t apologize…
Please MA, you should quit saving with him…If you want to save up for your children,you cab open a kiddies account for them…Open qn account to save up for anything you desire and you can discipline yourself by not collecting the ATM(it works)…
I advice you stop any joint account transaction, transfer the 150k to your account and start saving on your own please.You have to be careful with that your jaye jaye(this means she loves life somuch) mother inlaw.Your husband needs a financial deliverance, it is well
Do not ever,I mean ever save with him. Your husband is a wicked man. Asking you to apologise ontop of the heartbreak his mom caused you? I hope if the tables were turned and you gave your mom ATM card to a joint account he will keep quiet. Immature momma’s boy
This is totally unfair and painful
After all her effort to save up for a year, someone just spends it at a go…no its painful
First off i’m wondering the kind of impression the husband has painted to his mum over the years to make her spend 700k at once on material things even after telling her to use just 50k..
The husband is totally wrong for giving out money from the joint account without your consent, you both are supposed to talk about before he makes that kind of move. At least discuss this whole shopping issue with you and then you both agree on an amount to give her.
He is also wrong for being angry at you over the whole situation bcos he caused it in the 1st place.
I would advice you to apologise to his mum if you were rude to her when you guys had the argument over the issue at shoprite, if you were rude pls apologise
And then your husband needs to explain things properly to his mum and make her understand where you’re coming from (the wife). And also apologise to you
Infact he should try to make peace of the whole situation cos you’re his wife and she is his mum, you both are both important in his life.
Pls try and make peace with his mum before she leaves, it’s very important you don’t let her leave the house with grudges for you.
You guys need to put strict rules on the joint account issue moving forward.
Cheers
To add
Ladies husband, the issue a number of African men have is making their family believe they are bigger than they actually are, why do you not want your mum to know she spent a lot of money ? Men should be truthful to their families on how well they are doing in relation to their income , expenses and economy. You must let your mum know 80 percent was your wives money so she really needs to say thank you to your wife for footing buying her the gifts too. That is the right thing to do.
When things get better in future, please remember you kinda ‘owe’ your wife and make it up to her. For now, apologise to your wife for the card you gave out, hurtful words your mum said to her and protect her from this kind of situation in the future also thank her for keeping things cool in the house throughout your mums visit and don’t let this incident break your home. Your wife has every reason to feel hurt at the moment.
Praise her before your mum. Your mum should accept and love her as her daughter.
Wife, don’t worry, people reap what they sow. If a Parent deliberately spends to spite a wife ( if that was part of the intention) it comes back in so many ways while I don’t wish anyone bad.
There will be opportunities in the future for you to recover what was ‘lost’. Please try to let this go from your heart, it’s sometimes difficult for men between their mothers and wives and as you said, He is a good man but learn.
All the best.
Babes if you apologise na me go flog you.. your husband messed up big time because no well meaning young man does that..and I dare say they didn’t agree on 50k because if they did he wouldn’t support her..
She is the one to apologise..how do you spend all my savings and expect me to still be smiling with you?? 700k from 850k no way?? If you dare apologize they will do it to you over and over again.. your husband has a lot of growing up to do yes!!! A lot of growing up…
Brother husband man, if you happen to read this, THERE’S NO ROOM FOR YOU, AT ALL TO BE ANGRY AT YOUR WIFE ! YOU’VE WRONGED HER BIG TIME !!
APOLOGIZE. ….. To your Dear Wife !
Explain the true picture of things to your Mum; paint a good picture of your wife before your mother.
A good and responsible Man build his family on the Rock of Peace……at all times.
Madam, please be patient: go and apologize to Mama and let it go ! Try to win her love and approval.
This is a Mother-in-law Case at hand. They can do and undo o ! Watch it ma.
Forgive your husband’s breach of trust and go back to the table and sort out amicably how to run the Joint account !
.
God bless !
Dear OP, first off, I will tell u that all d people telling u not to apologise to ur mother inlaw don’t want your marriage to last.
If I were u, I will apologise to her for the way I behaved cos I know u were rude to her from ur explanation. Mind u dats d only thing u should apologise for.
As for your husband, he needs some growing up to do, if he is reading this, he should sincerely apologise to you, first, for giving the ATM card to his mum without your consent,and secondly, for the amount of money his mother spent.
Back to you, don’t you ever agree to any joint account whatsoever again, safe ur money by yourself. My 2cent
Mr
Your mother is wonderful o.
When you were younger, so if her own Husband gave her his card will she spend that kind of money in a day on clothes, shoes and bag or will she remember she has children that need to go to school , house to be built etc. So why is she doing it to someone else if you really told her what to spend , even if not.
So she spent all that money in one day. Did she not take pity on you both? On her grandchild? On the fact you don’t own your own home yet or proper car.
She started the fight from your wife’s write up. Trying to pick on her all this while and after spending she started it off, was it really all her sons money?
If your wife’s mother spends 80 percent of all your saving in one day, how will you react?
Well done Mr.
Hello madam,
As advised, your husband has a major role in sorting this situation. But on your part, forgive your husband and forgive the mother. The deed has been done…They were both wrong but this is your family, you cannot see them as separate from you. We cannot choose our family members…some come with baggage that try to frustrate us. We just learn to manage them. So much as it appears impossible, forgive.
You do not need to apologize for anything except you were rude. You can apologize if you spoke rudely to her but you have no need to apologize for telling her she was wrong for spending your money recklessly.
Moving forward, destroy the ATM card and changed the mandate on the joint account to only cheques for withdrawal and both signatories will be required before withdrawals can be made on the account.
You and your husband need to talk. He needs to understand that he erred in the following areas:
1. He did not communicate properly in this case. He should not have used your joint account ATM without your consent. He should have asked you to retrieve the ATM card after the first purchase
2. Trust: He needs to learn that keeping a joint account involves trust. If he cannot understand that,then no need for joint projects in future
3. Create healthy boundaries: He needs to learn to protect his nuclear family and create healthy boundaries around the nuclear family from the extended family
Above all, let love lead you…I see you been really hurt but do not let this make you hate your mother in-law…and please forgive your husband.
From the counselling sessions, your husband sees things differently now. Please let the hurt go and press the reset button on your marriage.
We keep learning everyday….
God bless you
The husband has no business giving his mum access to the joint account in the first place, especially as most money didn’t belong to him. If he didn’t have available funds to give to his mum, he should have discussed with his wife and they can agree on the amount of money they can transfer from the account to his mum to buy a small gift.
The mum is unreasonable and irresponsible at best to spend all that money on a single shopping spree after being told how much she can spend. That could have been their rent money or money to pay for medical Bill’s or in this case, a car to ease transportation issues.
Even my mother who has 5 children abroad don’t spend like an idiot as she’s lived abroad herself and knows how difficult earning the money can be.
The lady has nothing to apologise for, except for being stupid in love by entrusting her savings to a child.
Lesson learned, she should transfer the remainder of the money to her savings account and contribute to capital projects from there.