Dear Ma,
I need your advise.
I am 41 years this May. I am single but trusting God for my own husband for years now. I have been betrayed and heartbroken many times. My last relationship lasted on and off for 2 years. I was aware he was cheating on me but I hoped he would change and marry me but he clearly had other plans.
I prayed and fasted to God to have Mercy on me. Being single is really not fun. But in February this year,I met a divorcee and we really like each other. Actually,I met him in a government office when I went to apply for something. He is a civil servant.
Lets call him James. James is 39 years old. Two years younger than me but he is very mature and nice. He makes me laugh too. However,being a civil servant is not a good paying job so he is not usually the type of man I would go for but I still accepted cos I don’t know if he is God’s will for me.
We been dating since February. He told me he has one child from his previous marriage. He said his wife ran after a rich politician and left him with their son. We have been seeing each other and spending time mostly in my place. The day he invited me to his place,I did not meet his son. He explained that the boy was with the grand mother.
Apart from finances,this man is good. I am not saying I am a gold digger or looking for a rich man to take care of me but too be truthful,I feel somehow dating a man who cannot even pay you 1k recharge card. He calls me with whatsapp calls most times cos he does not have airtime.
We went out to a restaurant,like fast food. He bought me snacks and soft drink but took water. I feel bad for him cos he feels shy or bad that he cannot do much for me. I told him not to worry. I have my own money.
In April,he started getting serious with me,saying he is madly in love with me. That I am the type of woman he wants to be a mother to his son. I told him I would like to meet his son. He then agreed for us to meet.
The day I went to his house to meet his son, I met 2 other children. I was shocked when he introduced them as his children too. He said he wanted to surprise me . To see whether I truly loved him if he had one child or more. I told him he was wrong for not telling me the truth. One child is a big deal. 3 is another level.
Since then,I have been feeling somehow about our relationship. Clearly,he is a good man,a good father…I see the way he treats his kids,very good but he is struggling financially. And that may be the real reason his wife left him. Being married to a man with 3 children will pose a big financial challenge for even some one like me.
And when I have my own children,that will mean more children to feed,raise and send to school. I love this man but he has too many baggage. I hope he is not looking for someone to help him manage his financial responsibilities….He lives in a one room apartment too with the children while I live in a 2 bedroom apartment even as a single woman.
James has noticed I am a bit withdrawn since I met his children. His children seem nice but I am just scared. I do not know what to do. Should I consider this relationship or back out now? I see that James is serious about marriage and being 41…I really do not know if this is God testing me…
James did not even consider our age difference. He is a nice man. But is he the one for me? How do I deal with his baggage? Can I be a good mother to his 3 children? How will we manage?
Please advice me….
Anonymous Lively Stones Member from Abuja
Photo Credit:gofundme
I would advise you to have a meeting with the first wife and the children separately before going further with any plans. The man might not actually be in love but looking for a companion and someone to share bills with. So be careful and look very well before you leap
Obviously you love him or that you are eager to settle down but lying about the number of kids he has is wrong.if he was able to tell you he has a child and divorced then he should have mentioned how many they are.telling you he wants to surprise or test you in rubbish
Search within you if you can marry him if not forget about him.if you can’t wait anymore adopt a child or get pregnant and take care of your child
He shouldn’t have lied about the no of children he had, but then you know what you want in a man. If you know you can help him out financially, and he makes you happy, you can go ahead. But if you know within you that you can’t help him out financially, gently work out on time to avoid a situation where by you will be in the marriage and later regret marrying him cos of the financial obligations. Search your heart well and make a decision.
Good luck
I think he’s not sincere. Try and have a chat with his ex-wife. And maybe after your money, since he sees you are financially independent.
I think you should pray and let God direct you. You might think the load is too much,Is possible when you marry him his life will change. But have personal conviction before going into the marriage so that you won’t blame anybody in future. Pray and receive from God direction to go.
I will say since since both of you love each other and if you’re convinced within you and again can deal with it…..go ahead but if not, back out.
He shouldn’t have kept the other two from you…he didn’t do well in that area…God bless you and guide you to make wise decision.
Too much baggage relax a man that truly loves you will come. Don’t set yourself up for unhappiness because of desperation.
God isn’t trying you. The right question is what do you want?
Sit down and ask yourself what’s more important to you. If you feel you can’t handle being with him and his “baggage” then kindly tell him you can’t. It’s very clear if you marry him, you’ll have to accept the kids and contribute financial.
If you aren’t happy being single, marrying someone you know is not what you want is way less happiness because you obviously can’t love the man and not his kids or not be OK with his financial state at the moment. Does he have dreams of getting a better job or having multiple source of income to support the present and future kids?
Take your time and think if these are deal breakers for you then, tell him and take a walk away.
Thanks for reaching out . Am afraid all the cards are not on the table yet. Those three children may not have come from one woman. Find out more. Is he formally separated from his ex wife/s. Look deeper. Have you met any of his family members especially the females?
Realistically can you cope with the 3 kids? God is already talking to you o. It takes about 10 yrs to have 3 kids from a marriage,so why the separation after such a long time. I know you need a husband but easy o. Find out what led to his marriage breakdown from him and neutral sources. Pray above all things.
First, I will advise you not to rush things with him. Still watch him for sometime before taking decisions.
Secondly, I am a bit uncomfortable with him telling you at first that he has a son and all of a sudden they became 3 children…. I sense he is trying to play a fast one on you.
You love him, but do more research about him to be sure. Women don’t just stand up and run away from their homes especially when children are involved. Please take your time to study him very well and be sure you are ready to do this before excepting..
All the best….
First of all I want you to calm down and ask your self some questions.. what exactly is your take on marriage,are you peaceful and your heart is at rest when you are with this guy..
I guess he was just too scared telling you that until he knows you are in love with with him and not to scare you away with such information.
Please pray to your maker to be sure if this man is God’s will for you.if truly he is God’s will for you baggage or no baggage will not be an issue..best of luck.
Hello People,
When I read this , it reminded me of the scripture that said *A certain POOR wise man* Why is poverty being used to describe a man.
I made some decisions, that if I camt buy call time/recharge card/Balance worth $3 ,or if I cant call without using what’s app call , I wont go into any relationship.
Now, I’m thinking a single man with 3 kids trying to “endanger” another lady.
Maybe in the lady”s family ,they give birth to triplets, that’s making it 6.
Hmmmmmmm.
Wetin una fit talk for this matter?
To me oo i will advise you to see a pastor nd talk to him about it. So that he can help you nd lead you through prayer befor you leap
Seriously this calls for caution, I want you to find out well about him in the former marriage and the civil servant status
Quite frankly,it appears your man may have so much more surprises to spring at you in the nearest future.
Virtues like honesty are key to building a great foundation for any relationship.
While he may have downplayed the importance of telling you the number of kids he has, I sincerely hope that he didn’t conceal it because of some ulterior motives he has up his sleeves.
I know its hard, but whatever happens, try not to function according to the dictates of society regarding age and ticking of biological clocks.
At this point, it is very important you set your standards and make him understand the importance of honesty and integrity in a good relationship.
I would advise that you yet again consider the following variables;
i. if the number of kids he has is so much of a baggage that you cannot carry;
ii. Apparently if his “fortunes” do not change, you may end up being the primary financier of the Union: are you willing to take up that role?;
iii. What long term goals has he shared with you on how he intends running a larger family?
Having considered these variables, if your answers are in the negative, you may just have to peacefully walk away and believe that God is a gracious and kind God who CAN still align your love life according to his perfect will and purpose for you.
The concept of love is very beautiful but then we need to apply practicality in our dealings.
You deserve to be happy and I wish you all the very best.
Hmmm! This is serious! That guy has something up his sleeves! I don’t trust him! Make enquiries about him! Pray about him! Something must come up at last! Bear in mind, no perfect family!
You are already having some doubts please don’t go ahead to marry this guy. Except you pray and have conviction if not walk away
Let me tell u,ur own will in due time, don’t be a hurry to get a marriage that u will regret getting into in the nearest future,
Right now in my present relationship now,i agreed to marry a man with a daughter,my dear, it’s not been easy,me, still dating the guy oo, u need to see the rubbish n nonesense that am seeing in his house! I decided to visit him now n see somethings n get to know his daughter because ever we started dating,i haven’t really been around his daughter so i decided to come down to his place but my dear , it’s been very difficult, n the worst part is that his family expect me to cope with all the nonesense coming frm the girl?n right now am not sure if the marriage will pull through, simply because the mother of the girl left,her father n his family allowed the girl to grow up without trainings at all,this girl is 13yrs this April, but my dear,what i have seen since this lockdown,has changed my mind,the feelings n love i felt for the man wen i newly met him, why am i saying all this? Am just giving u a heads up on what u are u going to see, after everything, don’t be too desperate, because in that ur states of desperation u will hardly see anything wrong in anything that man does right now,be calm n wait,ur own will come definitely. Let’s come back to the man,in the first place,he had lied that he wife ex wife left him with a son,now u go there to meet 3children , that is a no, no, no, he has no reason to lie to u in the first place no mata what,n the baggages are too much. N again,that man is looking for someone to assist him financially in taking care of those his three children,.One child is so much problems,let alone three,hmmm! Na waoo, wen u start now , they will be expecting that u take everything that is brought to the table by the children,n if not he n his family will start shouting n saying that because they are not ur biological children that’s y balh balh balaaa,my dear be wise n fall victim
My take, if you don’t like what you’re seeing now while dating please take a walk.
The Man has so many baggages. Children, living in one room, not being able to have good finances from what you’ve observed.
I think he’s looking for someone to take care of his children with him.
You should do your investigations about him especially why the first wife left. Even if it doesn’t work out between you guys you can adopt and take care of a child in your single state.
God bless!
Hello sister, I feel really concerned about your situation.
This man was not being truthful to you in the first instance about his children.
Truthfulness and Honesty is one of the basic foundation in any relationship.
You want happiness and peace, Sure you do!
The truth of the matter is that you are going to help this Man raise his three children (that is, if there are no other children elsewhere or other surprises).
Is this what you dream for in life? Think about this and pray more earnestly for God’s guidance and direction. Don’t be too desperate! Men watch for your weaknesses
Just hold on a little, give yourself a break and patiently wait for God to lead you.
God bless
Hello,
To be honest, you sound like you got yourself a good guy but he is financially challenged.
My advise: have a heart to heart discussion with him. Let him know how you feel. Discuss financial planning with him. How are you going to take care of your kids and his if you both get married?
He is a civil servant you say? Why can he not do something aside his day job to make more money? You can support him to achieve more if he is hardworking and passionate.
Do not judge him,hear him out. If he has a plan,support him. If he has no plan,to better his situation,then run away.
If you both eventually get married,you may decide to have one or two children so you can both be able to provide at some decent upbringing for the children.
Have you spent time with the children? do you love them? how do they feel about you? what about his ex wife…is he still in the picture? what is her involvement in all of these?
There are so many questions and conversations to be had with this man before you decide whether to go ahead with him or not.
So,talk to him. Read in between the lines. If he is honest and willing to work it out,faith in each other is enough to make it in life.
Like you said,maybe he is the one for you,maybe you are the one for him. Just be patient. Do not seem desperate. Just be yourself. Talk to him..communicate and communicate.
And most importantly,pray about this,let God speak His plans and purposes for you. When you pray,you will not be confused. You will know exactly what to do. Either to leave or stay and build with this man.
God bless you.
God bless you for this advice ma
It is truly a tough dilemma. But do not fret your age. You must carefully weigh the consequences of your actions. If you go ahead with him, you should be ready to carry a chunk of his baggage. This will not be an option. You can also consider simply becoming another baby mama to him without marital commitments. This may look promising on the outside considering your age but you still need to carefully evaluate the option. All the best
A post by whatsapp member “creve” from the whatsapp group that is worth considering.
………………………………………….
This story is so close to me because i can even touch it…
My comment comes in two parts… The other part will be for later..
Now part 1..
I said on this group some time ago that men should go and make money, people especially the men i was giving expo did not agree with me.. Some one actually insulted me… A young man that has not even started life…
Again on this group, i said once that it is wrong for a young man to want to get married and still stay in a one room, someone private chatted me and said all sorts…
I am not talking from experience because someone i listened to guided me from age 19 to avoid all of it..
I am talking because i have seen how not been financially strong has messed so many young men up in life….
Look at this story, i kept crying from within.. The only good thing said about this man is him been a good man but is that a guarantee for a good and successful married life to a woman???
Can’t buy credit to call, can’t afford anything for a woman you claim you want to marry, stay in a one room without a plan to improve,, etc.
*THIS MAN’S PROBLEM AND THE WOMAN’S CONCERN IS NOT THE CHILDREN AT ALL, IT IS HIS FINANCIAL STATE….*
If this man was comfortable do you think we will hear this story or anyone will come here for advice?
A woman coming into your life to inherit another woman’s children is enough problems for her than to add financial struggle to it all.
If a woman marries a man with children and finds out that the inheritance of the children alone is enough to even take care of her for life, she will jump in and love them regardless because at that point, they become an asset to her than a burden…
Brothers please make legitimate money, i beg you all … If you do, ladies will respect us all…
I will *NEVER* blame this lady because this walk with him is so uncertain and unclear to her…. She might be walking into a very dare future if she does not calculate her risks….
This man no try at all.. Why 3 children when you are still staying in a one room and have not increased financially…
You now want to add another person’s daughter.. *HOW UNA GO TAKE BREATH OR DO SOCIAL DISTANCE FOR THE ROOM?*
Please don’t fight the messenger, let us brothers work hard and take our respect back.
Let us marry them, love them and give them the security they need to give us the best they ever had…..
I will face the main issue in my next outing…..
PART 2
………………………………………….
I now want to address the main issue. It will also be in 2 parts. One for my brother and one for the lady. But both will be NOW..
*MY BROTHER,* i really do not think you are ready and stable for marriage..
In fact marriage should not be in your plan at this point in your life..
You started by not showing the true picture of how many children you have.. For what ever reason, a woman you are bringing in to mother another woman’s children should be given a clear picture from the word go…
By this action of yours, you have put your integrity to question and will make her start putting every word from you to question…
You also do not have a *CLEAR ROAD MAP* for your life..
Lots of women want to help their men grow as in invest and be a part of the future with them but majority of men do not have any clear vision of their future. They have nothing to show to assure the woman to walk with them…
You need a road map for your life going forward…
No woman will give you that road map, you will fashion it out and she will only buy in and follow tru if she sees a future for you and her in it.
You are about to loose a good woman because of your carelessness and you not been truthful..
I always say in my talks, that getting a woman to support you and release her money to you is a very very easy task….
For now put your life back on a solid footing, let marriage come later..
Your children need security for their future..
As a young man you have all the ability to achieve that now..
Get a nanny to take care of the children and go hustle and look for money….
*MY SISTER,* i understand your fears. As it stands now, this is a road no sane person would encourage you to walk..
Truth is, most men like him will hardly change.. I can largely predict what he has in mind after the marriage..
Move into your flat with the children,
Sustain the status quo of you continuously paying the rent *(after all you were paying before he came it).*
Shift a larger part of the bills of the children to you *(after all you na help meet na)*
And stay comfortable with his civil service work…
Don’t accept marrying him yet, he might be a good man but by the time the pressure of marriage, children and husband hits you, him been a good man will not count anymore…
Be very careful, many men today are looking for women that will pick their bills and will in turn think they are doing you a favour because of s*x.
Have you found out what led to his divorce, seperation or why the mother or mothers of the children abandoned or walked away and left the children with him?
Lots of questions you need to ask about this man and lots of answers you need to hear from him and a few others around him…
Beware, because of your success, you are an endangered specie to lazy men who look out for your kind to prey on…
Take your time and don’t be and show desperation to get married.. Men will take advantage of you.
It will work out for your good…
Just like the way everybody has suggested, you need to carry out more research on this man. Don’t be desperate to settle down with him. You don’t know if there are more bad surprises for you. Enquire about his past life, from him, through the kids and maybe his friendly neighbour or relative.
You need to be sure of his true intentions and character. Also know about his plan for you if you were to settle down with him. Try to know how he plans to handle your marital life financially and how he will carry out his responsibilities for his children on his own (even though u could still assist on that) without it affecting you when you settle down with him. Also try to be sure the children belongs to the same mother and why she left.
After carrying out your research, sit down and decide for yourself if you could handle the responsibility that will fall on you when you marry him. Controlling another woman’s children is not an easy job, so you should also put that in mind.
Lastly and most importantly, pray to God to show it to you whether he is the man you have been praying for all these days. Also discuss and pray it out with your pastor after doing your research on him.
May God help you to choose well.
It is well with you !!!!
Please No Marriage until you know what he really wants,you or your financial help.
I think he is really in need of help with his kids,he is having financial difficulties and is probably eager to marry you because of your seeming financial security which might become very unsecured if you take on a too low paid husband and a three children coupled with two or more children from you,you’ll sure bow under the financial pressure and that might Mae you bitter and develop resentment towards him as he’ll be the cause of your problem.
He also strikes me as a not too honest man,you have to be careful with whatever he says and make sure you find the real truth of whatever he says.
It is good you called out for help,some women would have just went ahead blaming it on their age and desperation it caused them.
You’ll be fine,GOD is there for you!
You need to pray and have serious conviction before going into marriage with me. You should have a heart to heart discussion with him to. Tell God your doubts and fears. He will guide you.